Thursday, May 28, 2020

The Worst Type of Racist


Confronting the Worst Type of Racist. Myself.

     It does me no good to say “but I’m not a racist, some of my best friends (and family) are Black/Latinx/Asian/other.” Not when I look at some of the things I have done or said so very long ago. Mostly out of ignorance and fear, and just plain stupidity. This is not meant to be a mea culpa, although I would beg forgiveness from anyone I I have made to feel less than, hurt, offended, or even angry. And when I say “beg” I do mean plead with such sincerity and emotion, yet I am aware never coming close to fade out such hurt.

Let me explain.

I grew up in a very mixed, military town. So much of the make up of the student body was a true melting pot. Fathers from military families who had been stationed overseas often married women from those countries. The “mix” was every coupling you can imagine. And like most cities, there existed blatant and unspoken racism from decades before. But as a third and fourth grader, we didn’t know that, and we maybe had not yet learned from others around us how to divide ourselves along those lines quite yet. I do recall the very first time I felt that there was definably something different in those other than myself was during a questionnaire given to us in the fourth grade.

Mrs G Smith was our teacher, and looking back she was one of the best educators I have ever encountered. We actually all loved her. The questionnaire came about during one of the times of year I grew to dread, the Presidential Physical Fitness testing. I was not as physical as I would have liked, I was smaller and slight. If only someone then would have taken me aside and said “let this be the thing that changes you for the better” my life may be very different, but I digress. One of the questions was about “race.” We really hadn’t been exposed to that idea before, and I remember Mrs. Smith trying to guide us all to answer in the way she most certainly thought we would identify.

I had grown up understanding that somewhere in our family background, there had been Cherokee. As kids, if the idea of “Cowboys and Indians” came up, I always thought I’d be the Indian. And not the villain. Now later with the advent of genealogy and ancestry tests, it seems we were not AS close to Tribal bloodline, but as a kid, I thought I should answer differently than “white.” But Mrs. Smith told me that of the options given, I should choose “white.” So I did.

A classmate who sat beside me, named David, who was barely darker skinned than I, chose “black.” I was surprised. Certainly I knew “black” was an option. I had heard it before. On TV, from my father and my fathers employees, even in random conversations. But for David to self identify as “black” had me very confused. I even asked him why and he said “my dad is black.” So that was all I needed to understand. OK, so that’s all it takes is for someone’s dad to be black. After all, I knew my mother’s last name had been different before she was married, thats why my Grandma and Grandpa from her side had different last names than I did. But then it settled in my brain that there were reasons and configurations which I did not understand. And it was mostly forgotten.
Except for the teasing. 

Rodney, Michael, Vince. These boys, black even though they had white or Asian mothers, would pick on me relentlessly. “Sissy, Tom-girl, and Pinocchio nose” were what I was called on almost a daily basis. Now evidently my nose was longer and pointier than their noses, so I guess I understood KIND OF where that one came from, although it didn’t feel any better. But I didn’t yet understand “sissy” or “Tom-girl” take on “Tomboy.” But I knew it hurt. And still, the only thing that I myself saw differently was that I was “white” and they were “black.” They didn’t pick on any of the black kids in the class. And honestly their daily abuse was saved for me alone. They didn’t hit me or hurt me physically on a regular basis, it was just the name calling. Although they did on occasion spit in my food at lunch when my back was turned.

One day, on the playground, Michael, Vincent, and Rodney were relentless in picking on several kids for some reason. A few of the other kids were playing in the sand pit (we didn’t have an actual “box”) and Michael came stomping through kicking sand around and destroying the scene that was somehow supposed to be a town. Everyone started yelling and asking him to stop. I remember clearly he said “shut up honkeys” and kicked sand again. Although I had not yet come to understand that word, I was still really mad. So I grabbed a handful of sand and I threw it at him, and even grabbed another and rubbed it into his hair. He had an afro that he would always pick out. It was quite honestly the perfect head of hair. And I knew my actions would really make him mad. They did. He punched me in the stomach just as Mrs Smith came to our rescue.

Although that was all the retribution I got from Michael for that particular incident. The teasing and the torment never let up. Not from the rest of fourth grade, not from fifth, sixth, or through junior high. One young black man I thought was my “best friend” in fourth grade was named Marvin. But he turned on me once in the fifth grade and also called me names, and that ended that friendship.

In junior high and high school, even some of the black girls chimed in. Gayle, Angela, and one or two others would steal lunch from my bag. They would call me a new name “fairy” or “faggot” and even some of the white kids started to pick up on that difference although I would not understand that much about who I was until later in high school.
I had NEVER called someone a bad name or even used “swear words” until I was in eighth grade or so. Not really and not with any regularity. But the abuse I suffered, albeit by this time I was not alone (Mitch, John, Michael, a few other boys became targets for the “faggot” slur by then.) But I remember the first time I really used the “N” word in a hurtful way.

We were in the library and I had just a few of the usual verbal assaults. Someone I loved as a friend (and still do) who identifies as black came and asked if I wanted to go out to the patio during lunch. I knew who would be on the patio and I didn’t want to be a target so I said “no, there’s nothing but n******-lovers there.” I saw the shock on the faces of my friends and the look on her face and I was immediately crushed inside. I knew that my use of the word felt just as horrible to her. If not worse, because I was actually supposed to be her friend.

Even typing those words out now causes me physical discomfort. But to feel the full force of how awful, awful, awful, a thousand times horrible, they are, I need the reader to feel them too. They hurt then, they hurt now, and they are just this side of unforgivable. I say “this side” because I do believe in redemption, and I hope I am still earning it. More on that later. But I do remember crying about it at home that evening. It was the obvious to me for the first time I had actually sinned against G-d.

It shames me more to know that I would use that term again. Although never as an insult hurled at someone to their face. Usually in stupid, ugly, vile “jokes” or conversations where you try to “shock” someone and you pretend its “funny” or you “didn’t really mean it.” None of that can excuse it. Nothing could ever excuse it. It simply is the most horrible word in the English vocabulary. Designed and used for nothing but hurt.

There were kids that I would tell you that I LOVED who were black. Sheena, Cecelia, Corrine, Khadijah, Robin, so many more) and if I thought now that I had ever caused them to feel the way I felt when I was called names, it cuts me so deep. They were so beautiful, fun, funny, kind, smart, caring. I was and am proud if any of them thought of me as a friend. But it cannot erase what I had done or said on any occasion.

As I grew up into young adulthood, my group of black friends diminished and I became like most others my age. Friends with many, but close friends with those with whom I more readily identified. As I learned of my sexuality in early adulthood, I did not go in for “social kiss greetings” except for a young man named Bruce. He was black, and a true GIFT to this world, His charm, his humor, his kindness, his joy. He was the only man I would greet socially with a kiss and feel wonderful about.

I didn’t then, nor do I now, consider myself “racist” but I don’t think I ever really asked anyone for “forgiveness.” And I think that is important. I believe in the value of the 12 Steps, used mostly by those with addiction and substance issues. I have been to meetings and I know that an honest assessment and statement of the wrongs I have committed is for me AND for those I may have harmed. To ask forgiveness is necessary for real healing.

So am I racist? I don’t think so but I cannot offer excuses. 

When Trayvon Martin was killed, I thought George Zimmerman was GUILTY of murder. But I remember thinking AND saying “well, Trayvon had been verbally abusive and sketchy, and ....” other nonsense now that is complete garbage thinking. And then when Michael Brown, or Eric Garner were killed, I thought that the police involved should face justice but somehow I didn’t think it rose to the level of “murder.” I mean, they had been involved in possible crimes and they were not obeying the police. Some part of me wanted so badly to believe in the ultimate goodness of the police, but somehow I also believed in some unproven inherent "badness" of men I didn't know. Could I have really been racist? Was this due to some hidden fear I still had based upon how I was treated as a kid? Out of some prejudice picked up that was modeled by someone else of which I was not aware? I wish I knew, because I know it is not me.

But now look at us. To understand, too late, that most men of color grow up with such a figurative and literal loaded gun pointed at them no matter the circumstance, what gives me, or anyone the right to ask that they somehow “follow the rules” in order to NOT BE SHOT? Irrational, angry white men storm the steps of state buildings armed for bear because they don’t want to wear a mask during a pandemic and they feel perfectly safe. Yet a man who never resisted the police gets put prostrate on the ground and killed with a knee to his throat. I could never offer enough “I was wrong” statements. 

No matter how much of an outsider I feel I am because of my orientation, it will not overflow the level of privilege to which I have access based on my “complexion.” None of those men deserved to be treated the way they were. None of them deserved to die, to be MURDERED because some white guy thinks they should have “acted differently.” How can I make amends for any of that to which my ignorance had a hand in excusing for so long?

Now at this point in my life, one of the women I have met and admire most in this world is Kimberly. A long lost friend whom I have certainly hurt and miss terribly is Kamille. Terri is a woman who will most definitely change this world for the better. My sister in law gave me the experience of my two nieces who have the most beautiful souls I have been blessed to meet. They would all identify or be identified as “black.” And it is to them I owe so much of my personal growth and self discovery. So to understand that the harmful actions of my past. actions born of hurt, or pain, or ignorance, have left a mark somewhere, means I have been complicit along the way. I pray to G-d that I can yet be changed.

I would ask only that when I am judged, I am able to account for my sins, and say, yes, I am guilty, and I ask forgiveness, and I will make amends. 

Show me Lord. Bless them, and change me.

I am sorry.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

In Honor of Patricia Nell Warren

When I was a young boy, back in 1978 or so, my father owned a business in town.  I often would go spend time at his office, walking the grounds, or hanging out in a showroom. Across the street was a K-Mart and sometimes he would give me a few dollars to go and buy a new book to read.  
I was a voracious reader and always enjoyed adding to my considerable library.  It wasn’t just Richie Rich, or Pogo Possum comic books. I enjoyed books like “No Flying in the House,” and all the Beverly Cleary books, Judy Blume’s “Then Again Maybe I Won’t” and even “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien. 

On one such day, after being given a few dollars, I found myself browsing through the books again.  Suddenly I noticed a novel with an intriguing image that seemed scandalous to my young eyes.  A dark, muscular man in a towel stands behind a young, blond athlete dressed in running clothes ubiquitous in the nineteen-seventies. The older man seems borderline angry, compared to the young man almost meek, his eyeglasses practically a shield from the overbearing presence.  It is not a sexual image, but something in me struck like a tuning fork.  I picked up the novel and read the introduction about the author, Patricia Nell Warren, meeting a young athlete and being inspired to write this story.  My heart beat fast. The main characters were gay. As a young boy raised Southern Baptist, I felt a heat run up the back of neck. Something seemed illicit, probably a sin, and yet familiar. I knew that I could not buy this book, some of the cashiers knew my fathers business, and maybe they’d share their thoughts on my choice of reading material with someone who knew my parents.  And yet I also knew I had to read this book. 


So I did something I never thought I would do. I committed the sin of stealing.  Well, kind of.  I chose another book of the same price, I don’t even recall which one. I paid for it. Then I went back and switched the books out without notice, and quickly left the store. This was obviously before the wide use of UPC and scanners, the small price tag sticker was simply affixed to the top of the front cover.


I remember sitting in an out of the way spot outside of my fathers office and beginning to read the book. I was getting lost in the story, reluctantly sticking it in my pants while my mother drove us home, hiding it so she wouldn’t ask me about it. Once I was safely in my bedroom with low pile, deep blue shag carpeting, did I lose myself in the story again, reading well into the night.

I think I finished reading the novel in less than 24 hours. I was dumbstruck by the effect it had on me. Not just that there were some tragic elements to the story, but just the realness in the motions I felt. This was different. This seemed less like a novel, and more like I was viewing a true story from a close perspective. I wanted to know more about these people. And the name of the author lodged in my brain. Patricia Nell Warren.

Knowing that I couldn’t actually keep this book on my bookshelves, I hid it under several piles of comic books in my closet. Buried beneath Spooky, the Tuff Little Ghost, and stacks of Disney comics. I read and re-read it several times over the next week, each time more and more nervous that my mother would happen upon me and began asking questions about the book with such a cover. I read it several times over before deciding that I actually needed to remove it from our house. I felt such a connection to the book, as books were sacred to me, that I didn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t put it in the trash, that would be a real sin. So I buried it in the back yard, less a funeral than the planting of the seeds of my future.

I could not get the story out of my head. And this author, this Patricia Nell Warren, had become a part of my consciousness. So, a few weeks later, on another visit to my fathers office and being given another few dollars, I repeated this exercise. I bought another book, secretly swapped it out, bought small, cola Icee, and hid myself where I could and began revisiting the characters. I hadn’t realized that several passages had been committed to memory, and discovered that at several points, my mind recited the words in the micro-seconds before I read them. After a few days more of rereading the book, again, I found a place to bury this copy in the woods near our home, on the edge of a lake by the “Old Mill” ( an old dilapidated grist mill that must have been from the late 1800’s.) 

I repeated this process probably twice more over the next few years, finally deciding to try and hide my most recent copy from my parents. My mother had volunteered with a group that received overstock books that were to be donated somewhere in town, and the book sellers tore off the paperback covers. I had found several such books that I had kept to read, and figured if I just tore the cover off the front of “The Front Runner” that I could hide it more easily among my other books. I felt a twinge of guilt as I tore the books cover, feeling like I was betraying Patricia Nell Warren in some way.  I tried hiding the cover separately for some time in my sock drawer, but became worried it would be discovered and eventually it found its way to its own make shift memorial. But at least I could keep the book itself, and I read it over and over. I do not think it is an exaggeration to say I read “The Front Runner” cover to cover, at least 50 times in the years leading up to my senior year in high school. 

Years later, as a college graduate, I found another copy at a used book store, and happily paid for it and it was allowed to remain whole and intact, happily on my shelf between copies of other books I was reading at the time. Every so often I would reread parts of the story, if not the whole novel once again.

Much later, in 1994, I was a volunteer co-producer for a radio talk show called “Family Values” on WPRK 91.5 FM, the “best in basement radio” on the campus of Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida. The term “family” referring to the LGBTQ community of Orlando, Florida and surrounding area. I even co-hosted or hosted the show once or twice. The host, Chris, was a former Marine who came out later in life, and he hosted weekly and interviewed a variety of guests from the local community. One night he called me letting me know that he was not feeling well, and could I please host the show.  I asked who the scheduled guest was going to be, and if he had any notes he could fax to me.  He said “its an author, her name is Patricia Nell Warren.” My heart stopped, and I actually felt dizzy. “Who?” I asked, not believing what I had heard. “Patricia Nell Warren,” he said. “She wrote a book…” 

I interrupted him. I was breathless as I explained I knew exactly who she was and I did not need any notes at all. Although I had never heard or read any other interview with her before, I had read a little about her in an authors bio once, and I certainly KNEW the questions I wanted to ask her.  I was ecstatic. 

When I was in the station and she called in, I could barely breathe as I set up the phone link and begin to broadcast the show. What I can recall is how easily I felt talking to her. She was gracious, funny, comfortable, and insightful. There were to be some long awaited sequels to the story begun in “The Font Runner” and she was on a working vacation of sorts. I also recall that I had asked her about being one of he first women to finish the Boston Marathon, as she was a runner herself. I asked her about being recognized by the National Cowboy Hall of Fame. As the interview ended, we were talking about her personal life, and how she enjoyed staying involved, a third novel was coming in the Front Runner series and it was about young people. She said something to the effect of “not having children” and I blurted out that she indeed, had thousands of LGBT children who felt she was every bit family. She seemed touched.

After the interview (which I wish desperately that I had recorded) she mentioned she was in town for a day or so. I mentioned that I also worked at Walt Disney World and if she was anywhere near the parks, I would love to be able to shake her hand. To my amazement, she agreed to come out to the park and say hello.  

The whole next morning I was on a cloud.  I had not seen real recent photos of her, and scanned every face of women in their sixties for some sign of recognition. When I finally saw her, my entire being melted. She was motherly, but could not hide the strength of a lifetime of being a person of clear intent. She and her partner decided to join me in the park during my lunch and to just stay and enjoy Epcot for the afternoon on their own. 

As we stood in line to ride “Spaceship Earth” we talked about so many things. I had typed a “thank you” letter to her and gave it to her. We talked about my background, and she had thoughtful questions and comments of her own.  We discussed my desire to recommit to my authentic self, and being raised “in the church” as I mentioned, I felt a desire to use the sacrament of baptism, but knew the church would not consent to my specific request. She urged me to gather with friends and perform the ritual for myself, to claim the power it represented without the narrow minded ideology imposed by those who would not accept me as I was anyway. I told her about my early practice of buying her book, and how happy I was now to be able to buy her work proudly.

When it came time to part, she offered me a beautiful, powerful embrace. I didn’t cry even as my skin could barely contain me. I felt as if I could burst into light. It was a truly incredible moment for me.

I never saw her again in person. Many years and a serious life event, I decided to pursue getting a book published, and when I was lucky enough to reach that goal, I included her in the acknowledgements. I researched a contact address and sent her a copy and she actually called me once, saying she most certainly remembered me and was touched by the mention in my book. We spoke just briefly but through the magic of Facebook, she would encourage me a few times over the past few years. She was a woman of true compassion and strength of spirit and she is still my idol.

We lost Patricia Nell Warren on February 9 this year.   W hen I read the news on her Facebook page, I had to stop and perform a moment of real gratitude. All I really can say is “Thank you” and “I love you” Patricia Nell Warren. You touched so many people through word and deed. You inspired more than writers and running clubs. You were the spiritual parent, aunt, sibling, and friend to so many of us.  You will be missed. 




Sunday, October 14, 2018

Sunny Thoughts

On this day in history, October 14, back in 1977, I was a 12 year old boy, living in Melbourne, Florida.  To fully understand how this particular day impacted me, I need to give a little background. 

My grandfather had been a contractor during the construction of Walt Disney World, and we visited the Magic Kingdom during Christmas of the opening year.  I remember a few things very vividly about that day.  Seeing a giant Christmas tree, watching the parade, the Jungle Cruise, the Haunted Mansion, and so many others.  I remember the souvenirs we got as well.  I got a sweatshirt with Winnie the Pooh, along with a toy version, stuffed with sawdust.  A glass mug with “BIg Al” the slow talking bear from A Country Bear Jamboree. But maybe my favorite was an LP (long playing) record of the story and songs of The Orange Bird, starring Anita Bryant. My grandparents home, where we lived often, had a large console stereo with record playing turn table in the front room, and I would play it over and over again.  The title song, written by  genius duo the Sherman brothers of Mary Poppins fame, became almost an anthem for me and my young imagination.  


The Orange Bird was a combination Disney character and mascot of the Florida Citrus Commission, in exchange for their financial support in opening the Enchanted Tiki Room at the Magic Kingdom. 

Over and over I would listen, until I had memorized the words and songs.  I would try drawing, and coloring my own version of the Orange bird incessantly. I would further imagine that the little Orange Bird would come visit the orange, tangerine, and grapefruit trees in the back yard.  I was entranced by the story.  I would get excited when I would see the occasional television commercial of Anita Bryant singing about Florida orange juice, with the animated Orange Bird flying around her at the Sunshine Terrace in Adventureland. I felt as if Anita Bryant was practically a distant relative.


For years, this LP and story became so identified with my grandparents home, Florida, my trip to Walt Disney World, and childhood overall. So on an day in October of 1977, once again at my grandparents house, we happened to be watching the evening news.  There was no air conditioning in my grandparents home, so the jalousie windows in the back room were open, a warm breeze still coming into the room.  I was laying on the terrazzo floor, probably drawing or reading.  Then I heard that familiar voice.  Anita Bryant was giving an interview of some sort.

It seems she had been addressing a group in Des Moines, Iowa, and they showed a replay of a man coming from off camera and hitting her in the face with a pie, which appeared to be a lot or whipped topping or meringue. Covered in the pie topping, she made a quip that “At least it’s a fruit pie.”  I didn’t quite understand. She then started praying for the young men who had been there to protest, I understood that, having been brought up “in the church” and fully aware that people were sinners, and you needed to pray for them.  Although I didn’t understand exactly what made these men “evil” and worthy of such animosity.

Intrigued, I started to pay attention over the next few days to this story, which was covered a few more times.  She was condemning the “homosexuals” and their lifestyle and had been celebrating the reversal of a decision in Dade County, Florida that had offered some sort of “protection” for Homosexuals. This was being championed by Anita and others.  Something in me fractured in those few days.  I was too young to fully grasp in what way, but instinctively I knew that she was talking about me.  Something in me was broken.  I know even at that young age, I had been aware I was not only a “sinner” but that I was fundamentally damaged. I had been reminded repeated at church that I was guilty of something, born into sin as a consequence of just being human. 

It was years and years before I could even approximate any form of self worth, and that lifetime struggle continues to this day.  But on that day, October 14, 1977, I did awaken to a deeper sense of self. A profound clarification that I was different than what was expected.  While I now find that to be more of a gift, than a curse, I look back at that young boy, locked inside my psyche, and wish for him to know that the magic that he experienced prior to the impact of that news story, will someday actually save him.  

I lost my copy of the LP years ago, probably in a garage sale after my parents divorce. But thanks to online auctions, I obtained a copy a few years ago and it hangs in an album frame as a piece of art. I am able to view it now with a sense of reverence, and forgiveness to those who would condemn me.  And more than that, a deep appreciation for myself and the history I share with others who are like me, and with those unlike me. And I can still sing every word with conviction. 

Little Orange Bird, 
In the Sunshine Tree. 
Won't you think of something sunny just for me?

Think of funny thoughts. 
Or a sunny word. 

That will make me happy, little Orange Bird.

Monday, February 20, 2017


Rubbing Elbows with Susan Sarandon
(image used without permission)


I have done a lot of different jobs as “work” but one of the most formative and self-enlightening was working for a VIP Department at Walt Disney World.  As a function of this role, we were assigned to day guests, executives, Broadcast Synergy and Corporate Alliance partners (with Coca-Cola, FedEx, American Express, GM, ABC, and others,) dignitaries, sports figures, world leaders, and yes, even the common celebrities.  The official title during these functions was “VIP Guide” but we were called “velcro-buddies,” “assists,” and simply “Plaid” for the plaid vests worn as part of the costume for this department.  Admired by some, hated by others, but envied by most in both camps, this job had its benefits and its drawbacks. But most who viewed it as a privileged position saw only the glamour of hanging out with notable persons, eating in fantastic Disney restaurants and enjoying immediate access to attractions, and just basking in the glow of celebrity.  Although we may spend hours to days and even weeks alongside these special guests, it was mostly understood that we were to be very discreet with the “goings on” and with what we witnessed.  We may have shared stories amongst ourselves, stories both funny and shocking, but it was rare that we would share these stories outside of the circle.  To borrow the Las Vegas catch-phrase; “what happens in plaid, stays in plaid.”  To be completely honest, I was not always the best employee (or Cast Member) and I will live with some regret, but at the time I would rarely gossip about those with whom I worked.  And I do say worked “with” rather than “for” because for myself, more often than not, I was either assisting them as a function of a special event or production at which they had been invited or hired to perform, or I was working with them to simply have a great vacation or stay at the “Most Magical Place on Earth.” 
I was by no means the VIP Guide with the most illustrious stable of guests with whom I’d worked, but I will admit to having “vacationed” alongside a pretty impressive group of artists, professionals, and famous folk.  One of them seems to get a lot more reaction than others.  Susan Sarandon.  It was early 1999 and I had been told that somehow, Susan’s office had personally requested that I be the VIP Guide assigned for her visit.  How my name had come to their attention I still don't know.  She would be coming to put her handprints in cement in front of the “Great Movie Ride” which was housed in a replica of the famous Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.  It was to help promote the release of the film “Stepmom” to video, and she would be traveling with one of her children as well as one of her young co-stars from the film, Liam Aiken.  Liam was probably 9 or 10 years old at the time.
As our roles normally required, i was to meet her and the group at Orlando International Airport and escort them back to the resort.  (All of Walt Disney World property was commonly referred to as the “resort” although she would be staying at the sleek Contemporary Resort) Some of the people who worked at the airport got accustomed to seeing the Disney VIP Guides (again, the plaid vests) and would keep an eye out for who we may be meeting.  This was especially true during press events or big anniversary events where there would be leagues of VIP Guides and even an outpost in the airport for logistics reasons.  On this day, I got a few looks and questions, but I was mum on who I was there to meet.  
When Susan disembarked from the plane, I of course knew her at once, after all I was there to pick her up.  But she could have gone unrecognized.  She was petite, dressed casually, had no entourage, and although wearing large dark sunglasses, (and who wasn't, we are talking Florida and the end of a cramped flight,) she was “normal” looking.  Until she spoke.  That voice.  You do not mistake that voice.  And of course, the passengers who were on the plane with her had figured it out during the course of the flight, and many began to buzz and flutter around her, taking pictures and you began to hear “Susan Sarandon!” practically becoming a chant.  And once you knew it was her, you KNEW it was her.  She could not long hide that aura of “star” and she was supremely SEXY.  Not just looks, but the way she carried herself.  She deserved to be called SEXY.  And gay though I am, I was a fan, and was instantly smitten.  But I had a job to do.
Our introduction was short and perfunctory enough.  I was just one of a long list of such assists who met her all over the world and was only there to help her navigate the next few days.  But she was warm and personable.  Again, she was accompanied by Liam who had just had a birthday it turns out, Liam’s mother Moya, and Miles Robbins, one of Susan’s sons with her long time parter, Tim Robbins. Miles was just 7 or 8 at the time.  We got the luggage quickly (first class passengers) and departed for the property. (Another way we referred to WDW.)  It is about a 30 minute drive, and along a then very un-scenic greenway, so plenty of time to get acquainted.  We discussed schedule and plans, and also what the young boys wanted to do during the stay.
I wont go into much detail about the stay, it was normal.  Well, normal for me in that capacity as a VIP Guide and normal for Susan in that it was a function to which she agreed as a promotional stunt.  The things that stick out to me are a few though.  We were having lunch at the Brown Derby (restaurant in the Disney MGM Studios Theme Park - now simply the Disney Studios Theme Park) and it came up in conversation with Moya, Liam’s mother, that I had seen “Rocky Horror Picture Show” over one hundred times, in the days before it had been released to VHS, much less DVD or digital.  Susan was intrigued and asked if I had ever “portrayed” the characters in front of the screen, which I had done only once.  But I remarked on how many movies in which she had sung, and we had a great few moments connecting over counting them.  And it was contemplated that with the number of roles she had filmed, AND the cult viewing status of “the Rocky Horror Picture Show” that surely she must be the MOST viewed actress of all time.  (Side note, during one conversation, she mentioned how great it would be remake “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane” but HOW could you remake that movie, the idea of a remake was almost a sacrilege to contemplate, and yet, now she and Jessica Lange will star in “FUED” about the actual filming of the movie and the professional rivalry that existed between the stars Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.  THANK YOU Ryan Murphy!!!!) 
Also, Miles, Susan’s son, came down with a fever for a day or so, and she instantly became JUST his mother and we took him to a doctor and then she stayed with him in the hotel for the day.  I took Liam and his mother out to enjoy the parks.  We were walking through the Magic Kingdom when one of the pesky sea gulls that patrolled for food flew low overhead and “let go” onto poor Liam.  It hit him square on the head and a bit dripped down to his shirt.  Realizing what had happened, the young lad began to almost retch.  I hurried him to the bathroom to wash, grabbing a bottle of water along the way for him to drink, and then I ran to get him a new T-shirt.  I informed him that actually, in some cultures, it was considered a great omen of fortune to have a bird dropping on ones head.  Turns out, he had been up for a part in “I Dreamed of Africa” and he got it. I hoped later that the experience become a fond memory for him.  Also, after Miles’ recovery, the boys spent an afternoon at (now closed) DisneyQuest creating virtual roller coasters on Cyber-Space Mountain.  In fact, the Cast Members at the attraction let them know (wink wink) they could go a little bolder and design a more compelling ride than was normally allowed for guests at the flight simulator attraction.  So, while one of the boys was designing a coaster with more and more loops and barrel rolls, I would be “riding” it with the other.  I rode Cyber-Space Mountain over 25 times that day.  Probably not an official world record, but I still claim it as such.
Now the reason Im writing about my time spent with Susan Sarandon is because of how she has found herself in the news lately.  As a vocal critic of Secretary Hillary Clinton as a candidate for the Presidency, and further remarks since the (excuse me while I choke back some bile) the resulting “election” of Donald Trump.  As someone who was routinely admired by liberals or by the “left” but now, suffers slings and arrows from both sides of a political divide, she steadfastly maintains an air of peace and dignity, just sharing her opinion when asked.  (You can research for yourselves her interviews prior to and post election.) Having no contact with her since our Disney adventure, but always having been a fan, I found it difficult myself to reconcile my admiration of her with what she said before the election.  I personally wanted Hillary to be the candidate, and that came after much inner conflict as I REALLY wanted Bernie Sanders.  It had been said "Hillary was the best candidate for the job, but Bernie was the candidate we really needed.”  So I wanted Hillary.  The fear was that too many of those who supported Bernie would disappear in the choice between Hillary and Donald.  I guess in a sense, that is what happened.  So now, with some still asking her, she maintains a quiet, dignified, yet still mysterious position that the election of (excuse me again) Donald Trump could speed the “revolution.”
While I personally think we would have been not only MUCH better off with Madame President and Bernie in a role that would still be creating policy, and Obama as the next Supreme Court Justice, Susan’s logic caused concern for me.  But I had to contemplate it for my own reckoning.  
I thought back to one of the conversations I had overhead her have with her mother (a renowned journalist) in the car. Susan was planning to attend a protest against the excessive force used by police in the arrest of Amadou Diallo, and unarmed African immigrant in New York City.  This was years before current day outrage.  Susan’s mother had questioned what could happen, potentially Susan’s arrest and how might her family be affected.  Susan had replied, something to the effect of “that being the whole point.”  Her position, really her station, asked of her to stand by her principles, and being well known was both a magnifier and a higher need for this cause.  In fact, Susan was arrested, peaceably, and it did make headlines.  I was not as familiar with the particulars of the cause, but I recall thinking “she commits to her beliefs, that is truly admirable” which by most accounts, are beliefs in equality, peace, sustainability, and integrity for all. 
So now, with her recent beliefs being called into question, I have to ask myself to investigate my own beliefs all over again. Revolution may be needed certainly. SOMETHING has to change.  How might our country have continued to swing towards a more perfect ideal with either a Bernie or a Hillary White House we may never know.  Susan, like other artists, seem to know something still lost on politicians.  That humanity needs such voices to gently or harshly call attention to ourselves.  Artists say what must be said.  Artists say the things and ask the things required for true democracy.  How Hillary Clinton may have too long been central to the game she was trying to change. How Bernie Sanders was really the candidate with the ideals and beliefs we need but cannot yet bear to admit.  Susan Sarandon, through her quiet, thoughtful, husky and sexy voice points to the choice we can still yet make.  Not so much to “revolt” as to “resist.”  And change.  Do what is necessary.  Start with yourself.  Ask not the emotional questions, not even the political ones.  Ask the ones which beg more difficult answers.
If I could spend another afternoon with Susan Sarandon, there is much I'd still like to discuss. I'd love her opinion about MY work, my writing and to be honest would she consider an endorsement? I'd still ask about working on so many fantastic films over the years.  Id ask her about Miles, and how interesting of a young man he has become, and does he remember Cyber-Space Mountain?  I'd ask about life as an actor “of a certain age” no matter how successful a career they’ve had.  And yes, I'd again ask her WHY?  I'd almost want to ask HOW she actually voted.  But more importantly, what someone with her outlook and experience really SEES for our future.  The NEA faces threats to funding, PBS, ACA, National Parks,  and how many other functions of a Government of the People and for the People are in jeopardy now.  Can she, by her grace and her insight, still offer us a glimpse of ourselves? Can she weather the disdain of some and disappointment of others and still be an artistic voice calling us to suspend belief?  Not just for a made-for-TV legendary Hollywood feud, but the feud between who we area and our better selves? 
Seeing her recently on TV discussing her personal beliefs seems like a risk that many celebrities of her stature would not dare make.  And yet she makes it.  I am still a fan.  And I find that I am still being influenced by her.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

I Don't Keep Score




I don't keep score.  Not really, or at least not anymore.  Thats a folly of youth and misinformation in my mind.  Except for being kids and fighting with siblings and that type of "payback" I don't think I was equipped to "settle the score" with others.  If anything, when I was younger, I was more likely to KEEP trying to help someone, woo someone, or even befriend someone, if they were dismissive of me or even mean to me.  It was to prove something to myself more than to them though.  Not sure I understood it then, and only slightly certain I comprehend it now.  But if someone did something "wrong" to me, or if they hurt me, I just kept trying.

Also, Ive never been much of a competitive person.  I like games, playing games, team games, card games, what have you.  And some of my high school friends can attest to a few games of Canasta, Backgammon, and Uno getting PRETTY heated, watch out!  But it was always in fun, laughing as you won, laughing as you lost.  The intensity of a full blown game of Monopoly or RISK! much less organized sports, was always lost on me.  If it wasn't fun no matter the outcome, why do it?  If you felt it wasn't enough to WIN but that you had to DESTROY your opponent, we probably were not friends.  Even if you only experienced sports from the sofa.  I think I liked the Miami Dolphins because I was from Florida, not because of Larry Csonka and certainly not because of Dan Marino.  My official NFL pajamas and school bag were just COOL, with their aqua and orange colors and my favorite marine mammal mascot.

That extends to later in life.  I want to do things because I am inspired by the thought of doing them.  Id LOVE others to get on board and maybe even get as excited as I am about things.  I feel that if you tell me "No, Im not interested," it just means I haven't explained it well yet.  I don't think God (the Universe, Source, my Higher-Self) would give me such great inspiration, motivation, incredibly creative ideas that quite honestly border on genius, if those ideas were only to torment me.  The idea of "let you haters be your motivators" bores me.  If they don't believe in me, if they don't see what I see, or can imagine the things that I can imagine, then really I just feel sorry for them.  I think to myself; "How sad.  They must not believe in magic."

I want to do something wonderful.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

OK, this is a story I started writing back in 1998, before I had ever watched an episode of "Will and Grace."   At first, it was a short story.  Then I thought I could make it into a novel.  THEN, about 4 years ago, I started to revisit it as a screenplay.  A lot of "social constructs" have changed and I am adapting the basic story to reflect that.  BUT I hope you may enjoy it in its current form.  Let me know what you think.  

FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE
by Brian Todd Barnette
©Brian Todd Barnette


EXT. DAY, SUBURBAN MALL PARKING LOT
Cars are coming and going, people are walking into and out
of the doors of mall entrance.
INT. DAY, INSIDE SAME MALL INSIDE DEPARTMENT STORE, CONT.
Normal hustle and bustle of any department store in any
mall. Shoppers milling about, clerks at register, bells from
PA system and soft music behind all the din. This particular
department store seems to be upscale, like a Macy's.
INT. DAY, INSIDE SAME STORE, HOUSEHOLD GOODS DEPT CONT.
In the housewares department of an upscale store, there are
displays of China place settings, flatware. We see a young
man and a young woman walking around the displays. They are
early thirties in age, dressed casually but with style. They
slowly browse through the displays of the finer home goods,
reading from a list and searching through the offerings. The
young man points out an item and the young woman researches
the list then looks at the prices, her eyes get big.
                    LEXI
          Are you kidding me? One hundred
          thirty dollars for a gravy boat? I
          wouldn't pay that much if it was
          made out of the skull of an ex
          boyfriend.
                    THEO
          Really? Are you falling asleep
          again between episodes of "Martha
          Stewart" and "CSI"? What do you
          expect? Its a wedding registry.
                    LEXI
          A gravy boat? She ain't someones
          grandmother. You know she doesn't
          WANT a gravy boat. You're gay AND
          French, would YOU use a gravy boat?
                    THEO
          Im Swiss, thanks again for
          remembering. Jeez, ten years
          later...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
2
                    LEXI
          This is still a scam.
                    THEO
               (mocking)
          A scam? A ruse? A "swindle" if you
          please. What kind of scam?
Lexi, the young woman, rolls her eyes. She gestures around
them to all of the expensive house wares.
                    LEXI
          This is all so "Edith
          Wharton." She's marrying some
          cardiologist or something. You know
          he'd already have a Keurig if he
          wants one. This is just an excuse
          for her to ask for friends to spend
          a bunch of money on a list of items
          you know she will return for the
          cash!
                    THEO
          First, GREAT literary reference, Im
proud of you.
                    LEXI
          Thanks. They mentioned her on an
          old episode of FRIENDS. She is a
          "her," right? Not like Maria
          Wilkie?
                    THEO
          Rainer Maria Wilke.... Secondly,
          he's an anesthesiologist, not a
          cardiologist. and YOU are a cynic!
                    LEXI
               (confused)
          Analsthesiologist? Like a doctor
          for your butt? (shakes her
          head) Don't be naive. You know what
          I mean. You cant ask for cash. You
          ask for things and most of them you
          already have, so you return it for
          cash. That's what Id do. Not try
          and have some "three ring zoo."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
3
THEO Circus.
LEXI What?
                    THEO
          Circus. Its a three ring
          circus. Not a three ring zoo.
                    LEXI
          Whatever.
                    THEO
          Well, I don't want to be cynical,
          much less cheap. I'm still pissed
          she assumed that we'd be each
          others date. What if you had a
          boyfriend? Or if I had one?
                    LEXI
               (sweetly with a little pity)
          Oh, honey. Really. BOTH of us with
          a boyfriend at the same time? I
          love your optimism. Don't change.
                    THEO
          It's possible. C'mon. Let's go back
          to Williams Sonoma. We'll get her
          the rooster pitcher, the pepper
          mill, and some nice wooden
          spoons. Classic gifts. Some
          variety.
                    LEXI
          You.....are......so.....gay.
Theo gives her a stern look.
LEXI Swiss?
Theo grunts.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
4
          LEXI
OK, but can we get it at Target? I
swear I'm good for a few bucks, but
lets not go INSANE.
THEO Insane?
LEXI Insane.
          THEO
What do you want to spend? Fifty
bucks?
          LEXI
     (mocking an auctioneer)
Do I hear thirty?
          THEO
Are you STILL having money
issues? I thought you went to an
actual financial counselor. Or did
you randomly meet one at some
bar? I forget.
          LEXI
Ugh. You don't even want to know. I
won't even let my father and Lisa
know how bad it is.
          THEO
Why not? I am sure your folks would
help you out.
          LEXI
Lisa is not my "folk." And that's
all I need is something for her to
use against me. Im not going to
just HAND her an advantage.
          THEO
Grow up. She and your dad have been
married for, what, a hundred years
now?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
5
LEXI Five.
Theo fakes adding on his fingers.
                    THEO
          Five? And she's only seven years
          older than you so (mimes adding
          numbers) carry the one...
                    LEXI
          You disgust me.
                    THEO
          You're evil.
                    LEXI
          You make me taste vomit.
                    THEO
               (fake flirting)
          Are you purging? You know, you DO
          look a little thinner.
                    LEXI
          I can't stay mad at you.
Lexi opens arms as if to hug him, then when Theo opens his
as well, she changes her hands to makes a dismissive
gesture.
                    THEO
          Well, I said I'd pay for it, even
          though she's technically more YOUR
          friend. I've only hung out with her
          when she was with you.
                    LEXI
          We have BOTH known her since
          COLLEGE. Besides you've been to
          plenty of her parties. Remember
          Halloween s few years ago?
                    THEO
          Well, yah, but she wasn't happy
          with either one of us then.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
6
                    LEXI
               (laughing)
          HA! That's right! The "Mouse-ka-
          queers!" HAHA. "Butch and Sissy."
                    THEO
          You got more laughs as "Butch" than
          I did as "Sissy"
                    LEXI
          Because MINE was (air quotes)
IRONIC.
                    THEO
          Whatever. So exactly HOW much in
          debt are you right now?
                    LEXI
          Let's not ruin the experience of
          spending money on an extravagant
          gift by making me think about
          finances.
                    THEO
          How much? Ten? Fifteen? I know your
          piece of crap car must be paid off.
Lexi looks at Theo and mouths the word "twenty."
                    THEO
          Oh baby, Trump change. But that's
          not impossible to get out of.
                    LEXI
          For YOU maybe. You always were
          better with numbers and work and
          adulthood.
                    THEO
          Whats your plan then?
                    LEXI
          Too late to invent Twitter I
          guess. Or get a usable degree. Do
          you need any part time help?
Theo looks up, then nudges Lexi.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
7
THEO
UH-OH.
Theo motions his head in the direction of another young
woman coming down the isle. She is roughly same age, dressed
impeccably and carrying a very expensive handbag in the
crook of an arm, holding a giant, iced coffee beverage in
one hand, cellphone in the other. She is wearing sunglasses
on her head.
                    LEXI
          H o l y merde. Speak of the
          Kardashian. Is she actually
          BOUNCING?
                    THEO (WHISPERING)
          Quick! (thrusting the list at
          Lexi) Hide it. Make her sweat it
          out.
Lexi stuffs the list into the back of Theo's pants. Theo
grabs the gravy boat and holds it close to his chest,
pretending to hide it in surprise.
                    LEXI
          Shauna! (sweetly) HEY lady!
Shauna stops in front of the duo. She seems simple and
sweet, with a large smile. She is bobbing up and down a bit
and Lexi imitates her slightly, almost matching her energy.
                    SHAUNA
               (overly sweet sing-song voice)
          Well, HEY you two. Aren't you a
          sight?!
Lexi stops bouncing and gets a slightly annoyed look on her
face.
                    LEXI
          Wow, don't you look....
Theo elbows Lexi
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
8
                    LEXI
          ...so chic.
                    SHAUNA
          You are SO sweeeet. What are you
          two up to? (smiles coyly at the
          gravy boat) Dare I ask?
                    LEXI
          Oh YOU! (mock disappointment) You
caught us.
                    SHAUNA
          Don't be silly, (laughs) its
          sweet! Oh, but don't buy THAT for
          us! PLEASE! (motions to the gravy
          boat) My mother put that on the
          registry! Who uses a gravy boat??
Shauna holds her hand to her chest, turns to Theo, punching
him in the arm, nodding her head, wide-eyed.
                    LEXI
          HA! DIDN'T I SAY THAT??
Theo sets the gravy boat back on the display, rubbing his
arm.
                    THEO
          I believe in a more personal gift
anyway.
                    LEXI
          Like a gift certificate... or
something.
                    SHAUNA
          Oh, I just hope to have lots of
          friends there! I'm so blessed
          already.
                    LEXI THEO
          looking at each other (together, a
          little too sweetly)
          Awwww.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
9
          SHAUNA
Seriously, its crazy. Mark has
EVERYTHING we need. I am amazed at
how many family members have
already just sent money! Its almost
like the etiquette rules don't even
apply! Maybe they think it will
help pay for the wedding or the
honeymoon.
          LEXI
     (interest piqued)
How much money?
          THEO
LEXI! (rolls his eyes at Shauna)
          SHAUNA
It's ok. Its not a lot, only about
twenty five thousand.
          LEXI
     (shocked)
AMERICAN?
          THEO
I hope the checks are in nice
envelopes at least.
          SHAUNA
     (giggles)
No, my parents just set up a
"wedding" account. Its mostly from
family. I think its sweet.
          LEXI THEO (TOGETHER)
Sweet.
          LEXI
Maybe you could just get some work
done.
You're HORRIBLE! (laughing)
SHAUNA
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
10
                    LEXI
               (recovering)
          I mean on the house... or the
          shop... or car... or something.
                    SHAUNA
          Well, it makes it nice to think
          about planning a vacation or
          something. But you can't really
          change the world with twenty five
          thousand dollars. Oh listen to me
          (feigning slight
          embarrassment) talking about
          money. How tacky.
                    LEXI
               (absentmindedly)
          Yeah...tacky. (more directly) So,
          they just send you money?
                    THEO
          Well, it should be a great
          wedding! Such a beautiful
          location! I love the Gardens.
                    SHAUNA
          Me too! You know, Mark's family are
          trustees. They are really rolling
          out the red carpet.
                    LEXI
          So.... is there, like, a minimum
          buy in for a wedding gift?
Shauna turns to Lexi, still smiling and ignoring her
questions.
                    SHAUNA
          You know..... I have a cousin that
          I'd love to introduce to you! He's
          a bit younger, but he may be just
          your type. He's a...(searches for
          right word) free spirit too!
Lexi smirks.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
11
                    THEO
          Got a cousin for me? Younger is
cool.
                    SHAUNA
          You are so cute! But really, I am
          surprised YOU TWO just don't get
          married! haha.
Lexi stops, as if stunned. Looks at Theo who is grimacing.
                    THEO
          Sure, all we need is Jack and Karen
          with some high jinks.
                    LEXI
          Oh.... my... God. (flatly) It's
          almost crazy talk.
                    THEO
          I've been punished enough.
                    SHAUNA
          Well, really, just BE there! I have
          to run. One more week and then I'm
          (singing) Sadie, Sadie, married
          lady...
Shauna waves with her fingers, giggles, and then heads
off. Lexi is staring at Theo, almost scrutinizing him. He
catches her.
                    THEO
          What? You almost insulted her.
                    LEXI
          I still may just buy her a toilet
          plunger as a gift.
                    THEO
          Charming. Whats wrong. You look....
          constipated or something.
                    LEXI
          Im just thinking.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
12
                    THEO
          Yikes. Lets go grab some nosh,
          maybe it'll pass.
                    LEXI
          Hmmmm....
                                                      CUT TO
INTERIOR - RESTAURANT AT MALL - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Lexi and Theo are being seated at a small table, the hostess
leaves them with two menus and walks off.
                    LEXI
          Listen, why did you make that face
          when she said we should get
          married? You'd be LUCKY to have me!
                    THEO
          I'd be lucky to find someone with
          shoulders like yours at least.
          (rubs his arm again) Or could throw
          a punch like you. Whaddaya mean
          'why did I make a face?' You're
          a..... you have "lady parts." And
          you're a Libra. It'd never work.
Lexi still has a glazed look in her eye and she half smiles.
                    LEXI
          I've got an idea....
                    THEO
               (imitates Desi Arnez)
          LUCY! You've better not be thunking
          what I think you're
          thunking. (normal voice) Wait, what
          are you thunking?
                    LEXI
          Let me see that list again.
Theo checks his pockets, cant seem to find it,
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
13
                    THEO
          Oh, yeah...
Theo reaches around and pulls the list from the back of his
pants, presses it to his chest, smoothing it out. Hands it
to Lexi. She takes the list and looks over it a
moment. Looks up.
                    LEXI
          I want a wedding!
                    THEO
          Ooooooo...k. Good luck with that
          whole "white dress" thing. Who's
          the lucky lad?
A waiter appears and sets down a bread basket with a side of
olive oil.
                    WAITER
          Hello, welcome. May I tell you
          about our specials today? (doesn't
          wait for reply) Our fish is a maple
          glazed salmon served with oven
          roasted zucchini and garlic
          polenta , our soup is a creamy
          potato with spinach, and todays
          appetizer is fried sweet corn
          nuggets served with local honey for
          dipping.
LEXI Sure.
                    WAITER
          Ma'am?
                    LEXI
          Sure, you can tell us the specials.
                    WAITER
          Um... thats it.
                    THEO
          Ignore her. (to Lexi) Wanna just
          share the salmon?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
14
                    LEXI
          Well, let me look over the...
                    THEO
          Im buying.
                    LEXI
               (to the waiter)
          Go ahead and bring the corn nuggets
          too then, thank you.
                    WAITER
          And what do you care to
          drink?  Something from the bar?
Theo cuts Lexi off.
                    THEO
          Iced tea please. For both of us.
          Mine with a lime.
                    WAITER
          Thank you.
Waiter takes the menus and leaves
Lexi waits just a moment then dives into the bread basket.
                    THEO
          OK, help me understand this. You
          are looking for an "insta-husband?"
                    LEXI
          Not a husband silly, a wedding.
Theo makes a gesture of confusion.
                    LEXI
          Think about it, you and me tell our
          family we are getting married. Your
          family is loaded, they'd be HAPPY
          to throw a bunch of change at
          you! My dad would rob a bank to
          marry me off!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
15
          THEO
US? You're kidding right? My family
knows I'm NOT "the marrying type."
They know all about my fantasy
husband.
          LEXI
Bullshit! They'd fall into a coma
just to think you would actually
just get married already,
regardless of your fondness for
photographs of European Rugby
players .
          THEO
Those books are ART! Besides, your
friends would never buy it. They
refer to me as your "girlfriend."
          LEXI
     (playfully dismissive)
Ha! ALL in fun! Still, think of it
like a party.
          THE0
What about your family? You think
they'd actually believe it? Even
your dad?
          LEXI
I don't think he'd care if I
married a prison pen-pal if he just
thought I could officially be
"MRS." Somebody. And he has asked
how "close" we are on more than a
few occasions.
          THEO
You're nuts. Why are we even
discussing this?
          LEXI
COME ON! Don't be selfish! When do
I ever ask you for ANYTHING? Plus
it would finally fix your
"immigration" issue.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
16
          THEO
Um, my father is Swiss national,
mother is American and I was born
at Cedar's. I dont have an
immigration issue. You really pay
no attention to the details of the
lives of others, do you? What the
hell would I get out of it? Besides
unnecessary "Americanization?"
          LEXI
Didn't you want to refinance your
home loan? Or business loan? Or car
insurance? Something. Anyway, you
can keep whatever your family
gives, or donate it to Boys Without
Shirts or some such thing....
          THEO
I don't even know whether to
continue this... are you serious?
          LEXI
Think about it, it's no big
deal.  Like when Marissa married
Eddie for citizenship.
          THEO
Well, thats KIND of a felony.
          LEXI
But "companionship" is a legitimate
reason to get married. Even the
Catholic church says so.
          THE0
Oh so now you're Catholic?
          LEXI
You're missing the point. We aren't
throwing an actual "wedding," we'd
just be getting married and raking
in the gifts! Justice o'the peace
or something. Let it ride a year
and then "oops" we realize that it
"...isn't working
out." Done. Nobody gets hurt.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
17
                    THE0
          And you'd have no problem
          misleading your entire family?
                    LEXI
          WHAT MISLEAD? We're friends, we
          love each other. Why not get gifts
          for that? Our relationship has
          outlasted PLENTY of marriages.
                    THEO
          So you really are serious?
                    LEXI
          I think its PERFECT! Are you
          worried about YOUR family?
                    THE0
          I don't think they'd be all that
          interested in giving a bunch of
          money....
                    LEXI
          But they're probably good for some
housewares.
                    THE0
          So now YOU need a rooster pitcher
          or a toilet plunger?
                    LEXI
          Do you think its too much to just
          go ahead and register at Wells
          Fargo? Or is Citi-bank more "chic?"
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - AN HOUR OR SO LATER
CUT TO
Lexi is adding up a list in her head and speaking out loud
while Theo is driving.
                    LEXI
          So, all together, thats about
          thirty two members of my family...
          potential gift givers. Even at just
          $50 a pop... thats what....
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
18
          THEO
Thats just $1600 sweetie...
          LEXI
Ugh... thats it??? I hate math.
          THEO
Thats not math's problem baby. But
it IS a numbers game. Look, you
need twenty K right?
          LEXI
Itd be nice.
          THEO
Then one hundred gifts at two
hundred each. You better have some
very happy family members who
really want to give you away.
          LEXI
Is two hundred bucks a lot of
money? I mean NORMALLY?
          THEO
Or you could find twice as many who
are only half as happy. And
remember, you may end up just
getting some gifts from Target....
you know... for those who dont go
"insane."
          LEXI
Whatever. Even if its only half of
what I need, its something. But I
think we could spin this thing.
          THEO
Why am I even discussing this? NO.
          LEXI
I went as your date to that thing,
that one time, because YOU needed a
cover.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
19
          THEO
What "thing?"
          LEXI
That thing, you know, that business
convention or whatever. You
remember, I ended up making out
with that distributor you were
trying to impress?
          THEO
     (sarcastically)
Yeah, great cover. Anyway, you
BEGGED me to bring you because it
was a weekend in Vegas. I didn't
need a cover.
          LEXI
Well, still, When he asked, I said
nice things about you. Im sure it
helped SOMEHOW.
          THEO
Well, they did end up having me
design their logo.
          LEXI
See?! C'mon. Its your turn.
          THEO
I think you're crazy.
          LEXI
Being married opens doors for you
too ya know. Its not like Im asking
for a baby.
          THEO
I think you just have dollar signs
in front of your eyes because of
what Shauna said. First you hated
the idea of a scam, now you're
creating some kind of Wile E Coyote
diabolical plan for a wedding haul.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
20
                    LEXI
          Dont be dramatic. If worst comes to
          shove you could just think of it
          like the housewarming you never
          had. You'll get a few nice things
          too!
THEO Push.
LEXI What?
                    THEO
          If "push" comes to shove. Not
"worst."
                    LEXI
          Whatever....
                    THEO
          Just stop talking about it for
          now? Cool? Let me think?
Lexi, sits back and lets out a breath.
                    LEXI
          Whew. I am scheming my ass
          off. This whole wedding planning is
          exhausting!
                    THEO
          Uh.... yeah.
                                                      CUT TO
EXTERIOR - SIDE STREET - VIEW OF THEO'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Theo's car drives on.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - NEXT DAY - MORNING
DISSOLVE
Theo is drinking coffee and working on the computer. He is
designing a graphic logo for a company, and listening to a
morning news station reporter. The reporter is doing a story
on marriage.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
21
                    REPORTER
          With the growing instances of
          marriage equality, we wanted to
          find out what the advantages were
          for two active wage earners to
          actually combine their resources
          and what steps folks should take
          when trying the knot.
Theo stops and turns to the television.
                    REPORTER
          ...for example, the tax benefits
          for those earning above a certain
          mean income alone make the idea of
          marriage financially
          advantageous. Not to mention the
          savings on car, home and health
          insurance premiums. Did you know
          that married professionals are also
          better credit risks? That can equal
          thousands of dollars a year in
          interest on everything from your
          auto and home loans to business
          loans, combined with better tax
          advantages on investment income. It
          seems that LOVE is not the only
          reason to consider getting
          hitched! Live from the court house,
          this is...
Theo turns off the television. He stands still for a moment,
then goes to his desk, pulls out a file we see labeled as
"TAX RETURNS" and he opens it, reading quickly through
several pages. He closes the file, returns it to the
drawer. He looks on the book shelf next to his desk, there
are several small framed photos of various people but he
concentrates on a collage frame with the word "FRIENDS for
LIFE" on it. There are a few varying photos of Theo and Lexi
together; on vacation, at the beach, dressed up at a party,
riding horses. Theo thinks for a moment then grabs his cell
phone and dials Lexi. She answers.
                    LEXI
               (over the phone)
You rang?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
22
                    THEO
          So I was thinking..
                    LEXI
          So.........
                    THEO
          Lets do it.
                     ALTERNATING SHOTS BETWEEN LEXI AND THEO
INTERIOR - CROWDED CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL CENTER - LEXI'S
SMALL CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
                    LEXI
               (excitedly)
          Really? You'll make an honest woman
          out of me?!
                    THEO
          I'll go one better. I'll make a
          DISHONEST woman out of you. One
          condition.
                    LEXI
          You name it.
                    THEO
          I want a loan to expand the
          business. You keep everything from
          your family, I'll hit my family up
          too. Whats yours is yours, and
          whats mine is mine.
                    LEXI
          Pre-nup?
                    THEO
          Sure... actually that's a great
          idea. This can't impact our
          friendship. No drama. No games. Its
          strictly business.
                    LEXI
          Like the Bible intended marriage to
be! Done.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
23
                    THEO
          OK, call me later. Come over after
          work and we can sort this out.
                    LEXI
          Id like a late spring wedding.
                    THEO
          No gimmicks. Courthouse, two
          witnesses, no consummation.
                    LEXI
          OK. When can I register?
                    THEO
          Lets deal with your dad first. He's
          the only one I worry about pissing
          off.
                    LEXI
          He'll be thrilled. No worries.
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING
CUT TO
Lexi is with her father and his wife, Lisa, around a nice
table.
                    MR. SIMONS
          You're WHAT???
Lexi is trying to maintain an upbeat attitude.
                    LEXI
          Getting married! I thought you'd be
thrilled?
                    MR. SIMONS
          Thrilled? I WOULD be thrilled,
          but ... isn't Theo... I mean..
          after all this time I thought he
          might be .... gay? Right?
                    LEXI
          Well, yeah, he's also European, so
          it confuses a lot of folks.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
24
                    LISA
          What do you mean confuses them? So
          he's homosexual AND European then?
                    LEXI
          European and METROsexual.
                    LISA
          Is that still a thing?
                    MR. SIMONS
          Im confused. Are you getting
          married because... wait... why? Why
          are you getting married?
                    LEXI
               (Deadpan)
          Hey, Im as shocked as YOU are that
          I'm not married already. (more
          animated) But Theo and I, we do
          love each other. We've been MORE
          than best friends forever. Its kind
          of like ... the next step.
                    MR. SIMONS
          the next step for FRIENDS?
                    LEXI
          MORE than friends...
                    LISA
          He's a very sweet boy.
Lexi looks at Lisa, blank stare.
LEXI (dryly)
          Boy? He's practically YOUR age.
                    LISA
          I just mean, I think its great.
          Honey (to Mr. Simons) I think its
          great! You've said before you
          thought they should "go ahead and
          get married." Well, now they are.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
25
                    MR. SIMONS
          Well, I didn't really think... I
          mean I thought he was... wait...
          I'm still confused.  Who asked who?
                    LEXI
          DAD!  Sheesh!  Besides, this isnt
          the fifties or something?
                    MR. SIMONS
          So... what? Its the 70's?
Lexi laughs, despite herself. Attempts to give her dad a
high-five.
                    LEXI
          HA! I got that.
Mr. Simons does not return the effort for a high-five,
leaving Lexi's hand in the air. He maintains a quizzical
expression. He looks to his wife. Lexi drops her hand.
                    LISA
          I think its .... great, Lexi.  I
          want to help.  Are you going to
          plan a wedding?
                    LEXI
          Not really a... wedding,
                    MR. SIMONS
               (under his breath)
          "not really" a wedding.
Lisa looks a little disappointed, Lexi notices. She looks
slightly confused but tries to keep the excitement.
                    LEXI
          ...but maybe a nice reception.  I
          don't want to spend a lot of
          money...
MY money?
MR. SIMONS
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
26
                    LEXI
          ANY-body's money... on a fancy
          "wedding," but to have family get
          together for a reception... you
          know, gifts, and cake...
          celebrating, music... and, um...
          you know.. presents and stuff. I
          mean, give everyone a chance to
          really meet Theo.
Lexi checks her dad for some type of reaction. Decides to
play a card.
                    LEXI
          You never know, we MAY actually
          decide to have a kid.
Mr. Simons seems to perk up a bit.
                    MR. SIMONS
          What does HIS family think of this?
                    LEXI
          Oh, I don't know yet, but Im sure
          they will be... um... thrilled.
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING
Knock on the door, and Theo walks in, he has his own
key. Lexi comes in from her back bedroom.
                    THEO
          Now that the coast is
          clear... How'd it go?
                    LEXI
          Oh..my... stop it. They LITERALLY
          left, like, days ago. Where've you
          been?
Theo looks at her as he walks past, raises his eyebrows.
                    THEO
          "Literally?" I shall never
          understand your failure to grasp
          what that word actually implies.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
27
                    LEXI
          Do you mean "literally" implies?
Theo walks to the kitchen, looks at a large assortment of
canned and bottled beverages, diet sodas, lite beer, skim
milk, surrounded by to go containers from restaurants.
                    THEO
          Do you never buy any bottled water?
                    LEXI
          No, I'm on a diet, but I've got
          plenty of diet soda...
                    THEO
               (shakes his head)
          mmmmmkay....
He returns to the common room, sits down across from Lexi,
who is busy texting someone.
                    THEO
          Who are you texting now?
                    LEXI
          April. I am going to need some help
          planning this...
Theo leaps out of his seat, grabs the phone, deleting the
texts....
                    THEO
          NO! I told you, baby steps. First
          things first...
                    LEXI
          You are literally giving me gout...
Theo holds up his hand to silence her.
                    THEO
          One challenge at a time, please.
                    LEXI
          What about your family? When are
          you going to tell them? When are we
          going to do this?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
28
                    THEO
          I've been thinking, I don't want to
          fool my family into traveling
          thousands of miles for a sham...
                    LEXI
          We're GOING to have a party TOO...
it'll be fun.
                    THEO
          Let's debate what "fun" is later,
          but still, I will fill them in
          afterward. I am too old to expect
          them to raise a huge fanfare...
                    LEXI
          "Fanfare?" That does make you SOUND
kinda old.
                    THEO
               (continued)
          STILL.... this is mainly for your
          benefit, I won't add the expense of
          an international flight and a week
          of a charade (he pronounces it sha-
          ROD) to their confusion.
                    LEXI
               (mocking)
          oohhh... "sha-ROD." Is that one of
          you "Swish" words?
                    THEO
          I am SWISS.
                    LEXI
          I know what I said.
                    THEO
          C'mon, lets really talk about what
          we're doing. Can you make a list?
Lexi stretches a bit and grabs a magazine, takes out perfume
sample, rubs it on her wrist, makes a face, then pulls out a
subscription insert and mimes grabbing a pen, she tests it
on the back of her hand, then looks at Theo. He looks
dumbfounded.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
29
                    THEO
          Mon Dieu.
                    LEXI
               (still mocking)
          What shall we list, my dear sir?
                    THEO
          Knock it off...
He pulls a pad out of his messenger bag, along with a nice
ball-point pen, he removes the cap. Lexi just watches then
makes a sarcastic face.
                    LEXI
          Whoop! Whoop! Nerd-alert, nerd-
          alert!
Theo sits back down.
                    THEO
          OK, so firstly, lets decide on when
          this is to happen.
                    LEXI
          How soon is too soon?
                    THEO
          Relax, your bills can wait a bit
          longer. I'd say we need two months
          to adequately alert your relatives,
          explain to our friends that this is
          not an actual joke, and allow them
          all time to react and plan
          accordingly.
                    LEXI
          Lisa wants to help plan it all.
                    THEO
          What? Why?
                    LEXI
          Dunno. I think she missed out on
          her own, kind of like living
          voraciously.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
30
                    THEO
          Vicariously.
LEXI Huh?
                    THEO
          The phrase is "living vicariously."
          Voraciously just means she's really
          hungry.
                    LEXI
          Well... she's "really" hungry to
          try and live out her fantasy
          wedding.
                    THEO
          I dont remember. WHY didn't she and
          your dad have a wedding?
                    LEXI
          She took care of elderly parents or
          something, in Chicago. Kind of a
          nurse maid for them for a lot of
          years. So, when she met my dad,
          there wasn't really any of her own
          family, and Dad already had a big
          wedding with my mom evidently. Just
          kinda wasn't in the cards.
Theo looks a little impressed.
                    THEO
          Wow. That's rather sad. I didn't
          know you knew that much about her.
                    LEXI
          Yeah, for real. She doesn't talk
          about it much. I read her journal.
Theo looks mildly shocked.
                    THEO
          Why am I not surprised?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
31
                    LEXI
          Hey, she was GOING to have it
          published as a memoir.
THEO Really?
                    LEXI
          Nah. I was snooping. HEY, back to
MY party...
                    THEO
          So, no wedding event, we go to the
          courthouse, just a reception, that
          way nobody notices there's not a
          "grooms" side.
                    LEXI
          Well, they might ask.
                    THEO
          Well, it would be rude if they made
          a big deal about it.
Lexi raises her eyebrows.
                    THEO
          Oh... yeah. Well. Still. I can have
          a bunch of friends show up, I mean,
          if its a party.
                    LEXI
          We gonna have a band?
                    THEO
          I am NOT hiring some poor excuse
          for an Eighties cover band.
Lexi makes a face as if pouting.
                    THEO
          Although.... I DO have a friend
          with the symphony, I can get a
          quartet, he owes me a favor.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
32
                    LEXI
          A quartet? What? Like barber-shop
guys? Pass.
                    THEO
          I meant a quartet, as in strings...
          violin, cello.. never mind, it will
          be elegant.
                    LEXI
          Got any liquor buddies that owe you
          a favor? Maybe we could have an
          open bar, call in a shit!
THEO What?
                    LEXI
          Call in a shit...
THEO Do WHAT?
                    LEXI
          you know... somebody "owes you a
favor."
                    THEO
          A "chit."
LEXI What?
                    THEO
          Its "call in a chit." (more
          seriously) Well, a bar WOULD help
          your "kin folk" to forget about the
          Grooms missing family. (He thinks
          of something) HEY! I DO have a chit
          to call in!
Lexi looks confused, then makes a face as if smelling
something awful.
                    LEXI
               (mocking)
          GROSS! How do you call in a shit?
                   (MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
33
           (cont'd)
(she laughs at herself.)
          THEO
Cretin. Somebody DOES owe me a
favor. A craft beer distributor, Im
sure we can have some free beer!
          LEXI
"Craft" beer? Like "Pink Dandelion
Summer-ale?" (she laughs at her own
attempt at sarcasm)
          THEO
Beer out of an actual glass bottle
wouldn't exactly kill your family,
would it?
          LEXI
     (stops mocking)
... as long as its free.
          THEO
Back to planning, you may at least
let Lisa and your Dad pay for
notices and reception invitations.
          LEXI
Why not just email?
          THEO
Ugh. OK, you need an
intervention. Lets just set the
date and then tomorrow I'm calling
in some reinforcements. If we plan
it right, maybe I can at least turn
the Groom's side into a work
opportunity, do some
networking. PROVIDED your clan can
resist turning it into an episode
of Hee-Haw.
          LEXI
Hee-Haw? OK, I dont think you're
even from Norway. Your family is
from "them thar hills" and you're
faking this whole European thing.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
34
                    THEO
          Swiss. Swiss. SWITZERLAND. Not
          Norway. Not Denmark. Not Holland.
                    LEXI
               (holds up her hands as if she
               is weighing two objects)
who can tell?
Theo pulls out his tablet and begins looking through his
calendar.
                    THEO
          So, lets plan on two months out. A
          Saturday, that makes it October,
          the fifteenth.
                    LEXI
          OCTOBER? Who gets married in
October?
                    THEO
          But its just a PARTY! Get your head
          in the game. This is YOUR scheme.
                    LEXI
          Right, right. Money, gifts, think
          of the haul, gotcha. Well, its
          after summer so people will have
          already planned vacations, and just
          before Christmas season begins on
          Halloween, so maybe they will feel
          flush with cash!
                    THEO
          You think Christmas season begins
          on Halloween? Oy. That explains SO
          much.
NEXT MORNING- INTERIOR - LEXI'S OFFICE CUBICLE
CUT TO
Lexi is looking at wedding planning websites on her
computer, she sees photos of lots of happy brides in fancy
dresses, some with scores of flowers and bridesmaids. She
makes a face as if she finds it all ridiculous, but she
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35
keeps looking at them. Finds a simple photo of an elegant
bride in a chic but simple dress, romantic but modern,
solitary. Lexi's look softens and becomes almost wistful.
She cocks her head and seems lost in thought.
A coworker, Debra, pops up behind her, a brash, young woman,
mid twenties, wide eyed with way too much energy.
                    DEBRA
          HEY!!! Whats THIS?? Wedding
          sites???? Girrrrllll, whats going
          ON? Are you getting serious with
          someone? DISH!
Lexi is startled, jumps a bit in her chair, goes to try and
close the website but instead, she unmutes it and there is
now organ music (Wedding March, etc) blaring from the
computer. She fumbles trying to silence it again.
                    LEXI
          Relax, mouth. Its nothing. Just
          looking into.... potential
          markets... for...
                    DEBRA
          ...for a WEDDING? Who's the fella?
                    LEXI
               (looking around, irritated,
               making sure no one else is
               listening)
          Will you be QUIET?! Really. We
          aren't at a B-B-Q. (she enunciates
          the spelling sarcastically, the
          effect is lost on Debra)
                    DEBRA
          A BARBEQUE! Great idea! A SOUTHERN
          style wedding would be FUN! The
          wedding party could all be
          barefoot!
                    LEXI
               (looks genuinely stunned)
          What is WRONG with you?
Now a few other co-workers have become interested in the
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
conversation.
                    COWORKER 1
          A wedding? WHO'S? Lexi's? You
          CANNOT be serious.
                    COWORKER 2
          SO FUN! Only, if you decide on a
          barefoot wedding you should really
          offer pedicures for your
          bridesmaids...
                    COWORKER 1
          That would be a great bachelorette
          party idea! Like a spa-day!
Lexi is overcome with disbelief.
                    LEXI
          Is EVERYONE here nuts?
                    COWORKER 2
          Ooohhh.... wedding planning CAN be
          drive you nuts! You know what YOU
          need... you need a professional!
                    LEXI
          YOU need a "professional." Get away
          from me. All of you.
Lexi gets up and walks away from the group.
                    DEBRA
          She will NEVER survive a wedding
          planning with a short temper like
          that.
                    COWORKER 2
          I wonder who could have even ASKED
her?
          I give it a year.
36
     COWORKER 1
(shaking their head)
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo and three of his friends, two young men, flamboyant,
and a woman, stout, serious, are sitting in his small living
room, having coffee and just beginning to talk.
MARGOT
You
have to be joking. The nutty
          Shiksa?
Margot is around 30, no nonsense, but affable and friendly.
                    THEO
          I know. Its crazy. But besides
          being able to potentially help Lexi
          out, it may give me some opening
          into tackling a lot of... "social"
          situations at conventions when
          folks ask if youre married.
                    FELIX
          But there is marriage equality,
          papi. Why not just have a fake
          husband?
                    THEO
          It may be legal in most states, but
          some of these corporate types arent
          as enlightened, still. I dont think
          they give a rats ass either way,
          but just saying I had a wife would
          be one less box they check off in
          their minds. Heck, some of the men
          I have met at these places would
          actually take it as an invitation
          to explore some "down low." But I
          am not planning on marrying anyone
          else anytime soon, and like I said,
          it would help Lexi.
                    OSCAR
          That chica is crazy. Alls I'm
saying.
                    MARGOT
          So what exactly do you need, why
          our help? It isnt like youre trying
                   (MORE)
(CONTINUED)
37
CONTINUED:
38
                    MARGOT (cont'd)
          to really fool any of YOUR
          friends. Or her family, if I
          recall. Didn't her dad once ask you
          the difference between the People's
          Choice and the Cable Ace Awards
          because, and I quote, "you people
          love the dress up shows."
                    THEO
          But he was genuinely curious.
                    OSCAR
          Are we your party planners?
                    FELIX
          We can throw you a party!
                    THEO
          Not really, but Lexi just needs
          help being a bit more....
                    FELIX
               (interjecting)
Stylish?
                    OSCAR
          Refined?
                    MARGOT
          Feminine? Believable?
Theo grimaces.
                    THEO
          Jeez, what have I agreed to? (more
          directly) Well, really, yes, yes,
          and yes.
                    FELIX
          Whats your budget? What is our fee?
Theo looks at Felix in disbelief, then raises his eyebrows.
                    THEO
          Lets just say you owe me.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
39
OSCAR How so.
                    THEO
               (quiet for a moment then
               slowly, looking from Felix to
               Oscar)
          2005. Disney World. Gay Days.
Felix and Oscar look at each other. Then back to Theo.
                    OSCAR
          That was a long time ago, who
remembers?
                    THEO
          I still have actual negatives. Not
          just snaps from a cell phone.
Felix nudges Oscar, motions him to be quiet.
                    FELIX
               (whispering to Oscar)
          Its NOT pretty.
                    OSCAR
          Ok papi. But you cannot keep using
that.
                    FELIX
          So unfair. We were so young.
                    MARGOT
               (laughing)
          Felix and Oscar. The "Odd Couple."
                    OSCAR
          Listen lady, I told you already I
          dont understand that nicks name.
                    MARGOT
          I will do what I can to help, but
          she never makes it easy. I may not
          be the most "lady-like" but she is
          dangerously inept.
Theo half smiles, tries to be thoughtful.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
40
                    THEO
          Well, she can be challenging. But
          when she is committed to a goal...
                    MARGOT
          ...she half-asses it!
                    THEO
          Thats a bit unfair. Like what?
                    MARGOT
          Any kind of fashion trend. Didn't
          she try to make her own self
          tanning lotion once?
                    OSCAR
          Oh yes! Mistake!
                    FELIX
          Day-glo gal! I remember! She wasn't
          even "orange!" She was ELECTRIC for
          a week!
                    THEO
          To be fair, she did get the recipe
          from a magazine.
                    MARGOT
          "Fangora?"
THEO Be nice.
                    MARGOT
          And that whole "anal bleaching"
fiasco!
Oscar and Felix begin to laugh hysterically, falling over
each other.
                    THEO
               (sincerely defensive for Lexi)
          Oh c'mon! That was a HOT
          trend! There were LEGITIMATE
          celebrity stories about it!
Oscar and Felix can barely contain themselves, incoherent
with laughter. Margot seems nonplussed.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
41
THEO (cont)
          It was! Even the ladies on "The
          View" were talking about trying it!
                    MARGOT
          Yeah. (deadpan) But not with "Crest
          White Strips."
Oscar and Felix explode again with laughter. Theo shrugs.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXIS APARTMENT- NEXT DAY
Lexi is responding to a knock on her door. She opens it and
Lisa breezes in, attempting a kiss on Lexi's cheek. Lexi
absentmindedly wipes it off. Lisa seems very excited.
                    LISA
          Come... sit down. I have some...
fun news.
Lisa goes to sit at Lexi's small kitchen table. Feels it
gently with her hand and rubs her fingers together. She
almost frowns. She pulls out a chair, inspecting the seat.
                    LEXI
          Um... let me wipe off the table.
          (She shrugs) Guess I better learn
          how to clean a kitchen for my
          husband! (nudges Lisa as if she is
          sharing an inside joke)
                    LISA
               (distracted)
          That'd really be a nice
          start... (Remembering why she
          really came) Listen, dont hate
          me...
Lexi stops at the kitchen sink where she was wetting a paper
towel. Turns to look at Lisa.
                    LEXI
               (apprehensively)
          Um, Im not promising.... What?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 42
Lisa is practically giddy. Lexi begins to look a little
concerned, wipes down the table.
                    LISA
          I really wanted to help you plan a
          great reception, or party, or
          whatever. But you know that one of
          my friends, well, the husband of my
          friend Katie, his family owns the
          Shore Club. I told Katie that you
          were going to get married and
          wasn't planning a wedding, but
          Donald, her husband, said that they
          really want to get some of the
          wedding and local party business...
LEXI OK....
LISA
          THEY WANT TO HOST YOUR WEDDING! An
          ACTUAL wedding, not just a party!!
                    LEXI
          You must be shitting me. They want
          to excuse me come again what?
                    LISA
          Well, they want to expand their
          local life-style magazine "Shore
          Life" and do a feature, they can
          use in promoting services and
          destination something or other, I
          didnt get all the details...
                    LEXI
          Sure. Details... unimportant...
                    LISA
          In any event, he said they have an
          actual budget to throw a REAL
          wedding! It would have to be
          limited...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
43
                    LISA
          Sure, no circus, check...
                    LISA
          But, I mean, come on.... isn't that
          great? You can have an actual
          wedding and it will be fantastic
          and FREE!
Lisa seems a bit irritated at first, but she seems to have a
sudden idea, and gets a bit more interested.
                    LEXI
          Let me get this straight, Dad won't
          have to actually pay for anything
          for this? What does he say?
                    LISA
          Honey, I know he'd want to do what
          he could to help and support
          whatever you'd like, but, and can
          you keep a secret?
                    LEXI
          If I have to.
                    LISA
          He wanted to take the money it
          would have cost and just give it as
          a gift. He knows it could help out
          in some of your other.... pay
          your... he just thought it would be
          nice to give you a gift.
Lisa makes a very discreet, although noticeable, hand pump.
Regains some composure.
                    LEXI
          So who is this dude, exactly? When
          can we talk to him?
                    LISA
          Well, we are supposed to call the
          Conventions Manager, his name is
          Mark, or Matt, something... but he
          said he had to present a full idea
          to his team but would like to talk
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
44
                    LISA (cont'd)
          with you as soon as possible...
LEXI Today?
Lisa looks pleasantly surprised.
                    LISA
          Wow. I thought I would have to
          really convince you. I will call
          him, I have his card here
          somewhere. I wanted to help you
          plan something nice, but this is a
          really great surprise.
                    LEXI
          Oh, I think its just one of a few
          surprises about this whole thing.
                    LISA
          Do you think Theo will be OK with
          something like this? He seems like
          he is the type that likes... um...
          festivities.
                    LEXI
          HA! He might need the Pony and
dance show.
                    LISA
          The what?
                    LEXI
          Pony and dance show. You know, a
          showy presentation.
                    LISA
          OH, you mean "song and dance."
                    LEXI
          Horses cant sing. I think you're
          confused. But still, I can ease him
          into it.
                    LISA
          What is your schedule like today
then?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
45
                    LEXI
          Im open, I have a report to file,
          but its just month-end stuff.
                    LISA
          But its the 15th.
                    LEXI
          LAST month, chill. Jeez, you and my
          boss.
Lisa half smiles, mildly hiding confusion and concern.
                    LISA
          OK, let me find his card.
Lisa is rifling through her wallet. She is pulling out a lot
of "rewards" cards. Lexi is reading them.
                    LEXI
          Quiznos, Blimpies, Subway,
          Firehouse, Potbelly, jeez... SUB
          much?
                    LISA
          Your father just loves a good
grinder.
                    LEXI
               (horrified)
          GROSS! Why on earth would you feel
          the need to tell me that?
                    LISA
               (slightly confused, then finds
               the card she was looking for)
          Here it is! Phillip Richards.
                    LEXI
          Where the hell did you get Mark? Or
Matt?
                    LISA
          Mark and Matt who?
Lisa begins dialing the number on her cell phone. She
reaches out and takes Lexi's hand. Lexi is a bit wary. Lisa
looks at Lexi's nails.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
46
                    LISA
          Wouldn't you enjoy a manicure?
                    LEXI
          A whats-it? Why with the hands and
the feet?
                    LISA
          They should look nice, or at least
          clean. (into the phone) Hello,
          Phillip? This is Lisa Simons,
          Donald said I should call you about
          a possible event at the
          resort? Yes.... Yes.... Yes, John
          is my husband. Yes, he was very
          proud of the building. Yes. Im at
          Lexi's now, she is my...
Lexi raises an eyebrow.
                    LISA
          ...she is John's daughter. Yes, I
          know, hard to believe. Yes,
          (laughs) Im not really old enough
          to be her mother...
Lexi makes a slight face. Lisa softens her look at Lexi and
squeezes her hand.
                    LISA
          I'd like to think we are friends,
          though.
Lexi makes a gesture as if to get Lisa to speed it up.
                    LISA
          We were wondering when we could
          come in and speak to you about
          planning something. How about later
          today? Yes, it is a bit short
          notice, but not really a
          rush. Really? That would be
          lovely. Yes, we will be
          there. Thank you! We look forward
          to it!
Lisa ends the phone call.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
47
                    LISA
          OK, he can meet with us at four
          o'clock. Hopefully that will give
          us enough time?
                    LEXI
          For what?
Lisa half smiles. Gives Lexi a long once-over look.
                    LISA
          Is that what you're wearing?
                                                      CUT TO
INTERIOR - SHORE CLUB - CONVENTIONS SPACE - LATER THAT DAY
MONTAGE
Phillip greets Lisa and Lexi as they enter an elegant but
simple hotel lobby at the Shore Club. Lisa, Lexi, and
Phillip are walking around the conventions space. Clips of
previewing photos from small weddings, receptions. Someone
brings a glass of champagne to Lisa and Lexi. Lexi gulps it
down, the server begins to take it, Lexi indicates "no" and
shakes the glass back and forth, indicating her desire for
another. Lisa forces a smile for Phillip, who remains
professionally pleasant. They walk through the space and out
onto a large, elegant, wooden deck with arbors overlooking
the beach. The server begins to approach with a tray with
two glasses of champagne, Lisa intercepts before Lexi can
see, and the server hides the glass behind her, and backs
away. Lexi catches her, coaxes her back. The waitress looks
to Phillip, who slightly nods and mouths "last one." Lexi
takes both.
CUT TO
INT. SHORE CLUB - ABOUT AN HOUR LATER
Lexi, Lisa, and Phillip are in an elegant suite of the
hotel. Lexi is tipsy but not sloppy. She feels compelled to
"feel" much of the furniture and artwork in the room. Lisa
gently continues to remove Lexi's hands from this activity.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
48
                    PHILLIP
          So, this is one of our finest
          suites, the "Daybreak Suite," with
          the best views from the corner of
          the top floor. The vista
          encompasses a panoramic of the
          ocean.
Lexi, tipsily repeats some of Phillips words.
                    LEXI
               (a little tipsy)
          Vis-TAH..... PAN-oh-RAM-ic...
Lisa fights a slight smile, a bit of embarrassed.
                    LISA
          Lexi, sweetie.... why dont you go
          in and splash some cool water on
          the back of your neck. Maybe you
          got a little.... over heated...
                    LEXI
          COOOOOOOOL water....
Lexi seems to snap out of a reverie but is only slightly
embarrassed at her condition.
                    LEXI
          Sounds good, chica.
Lexi walks to a door and opens it.
                    LEXI
          Closet. (laughs) Hey, Theo? You in
          there? (laughs again)
She walks to another door, opens it, it is an elaborate
bathroom.
LEXI BINGO!
Lexi goes in and closes the door behind her. We hear her fom
behind the closed door.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
49
                    LEXI
          DAY-YUM! Now THIS is what they mean
          by PISS ELEGANT!
Lisa seems almost mortified.
                    PHILLIP
          Will she be ok? She didn't drive
          herself did she?
                    LISA
          She'll be fine. No, she drove with
          me. I think she is just a bit....
          overwhelmed... at all of this. I'm
          just thrilled for her. I'm trying
          not to live vicariously, John and I
          didnt have a wedding or
          reception. I'm also grateful for
          the time it gives me to spend with
          Lexi. It will be lovely.
                    PHILLIP
          I dont have to tell you that we are
          also grateful for the opportunity
          to showcase such a happy occasion
          for a local couple! And it wasn't
          nepotism, it just seemed to be
          perfect timing all the way around!
                    LISA
          Well, the Shore Club is stunning. I
          know John is very proud of the work
          you did together on the expansion!
                    PHILLIP
               (nodding toward the bathroom)
          Are you certain she is ok?
Lisa's cell phone rings. She checks the caller ID, its
Lexi. Lisa seems a bit perplexed.
                    LISA
          Lexi? Sweetie? Are you ok? (pause)
          No. (pause) What do you mean "are
          you supposed to insert
          it?" (pause) NO! (pause) No, they
          fold the toilet tissue into a point
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
50
                    LISA (cont'd)
          for aesthetics. (pause) "To look
          pretty." (pause) No, I'm not
          shi..."lying" to you. I promise.
          Yes, please.
We hear Lexi give a hoot of laughter.
                    LEXI
               (from behind the door)
WHEE!
                    LISA
               (still into the phone)
Its a bidet.
We hear a toilet flush. Lisa looks at Phillip who is barely
controlling a laugh. Lisa is very emabarassed.
                    LISA
               (whispering loudly)
          NO! You dont have to refold it.
A moment later, Lexi opens the door,holding a small basket
of face cloths, folded into pretty rosettes.
                    LISA
          Can you believe this? These are
WASHCLOTHS!
Phillip is smiling, Lisa is embarrassed, Lexi returns the
basket to the bathroom.
LEXI Fancy!
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
CUT TO
Theo and Lexi are sitting on his couch. Lexi is slumped with
her head thrown back.
                    LEXI
               (slowly, as if pained)
          Can't you just give me a break?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
51
                    THEO
          You must still be drunk.
                    LEXI
          Not my fault. They musta served me
          the good stuff.
                    THEO
          No screw caps? Im happy for you.
                    LEXI
          Don't be mad. Its still a good
thing.
                    THEO
          I didn't want a big "to do." It'll
          just be awkward. I mean, come on,
          we aren't fooling anyone. They know
          we are not a real couple.
Lexi sits upright.
                    LEXI
          Hey, its all just fantasy
          anyway. And most of our family will
          just dig being at a party. How is
          it different from arranged weddings
          in places like India, or High-
          society? You know, like that TV
          show all the snooty gays go nuts
          over.
                    THEO
          First, "Downton Abbey" isnt an
          "instructional how to." Secondly,
          we aren't in Colonial India, and
          lastly, you aren't exactly...
Lexi gets an stern look on her face.
                    THEO
               (pauses)
          ...WE aren't exactly "high society"
          in the early 20th Century. This
          won't be a fashion spread for a
          Ralph Lauren ad in Vanity Fair.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
52
                    LEXI
          Think of the benefits. Dad is going
          to throw some bucks my way because
          he's off the hook. Thats the whole
          point of this.
                    THEO
          You're charade (pronounces it "sha-
          rod") notwithstanding, it still
          puts a lot of pressure on me. Now
          Id have to invite MY family or it
          will look really odd. If it was
          just a party or reception, I could
          bluff my way through it. Now its
          going to be blown out of all
          proportion.
                    LEXI
               (overly dramatic)
          For the love of ALL creation, why
          do you have to be so dramatic?
Theo laughs.
                    LEXI
          They arent going to announce it in
          the damned New York Times for God's
          sake.
                    THEO
          Didnt you say there were going to
          do a magazine spread on it? Post it
          on Facebook? Film it?
                    LEXI
          Well.... yeah.... but... I mean,
          BIG DEAL. Why NOT invite your
          family? When's the last time you
          even saw them? Hell, Ive only met
          your mother ONCE. And you told me
          NOT to talk!
                    THEO
          You just wouldnt understand my
          family. Not together. Not as a
          group.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
53
          LEXI
You think I dont measure up. You
think Im low class.
          THEO
Ugh. Now who's being overly
dramatic?
          LEXI
What? Its a simple wedding. At a
small hotel. Its not the Daytona
500. I think YOU'RE having
hysterectomies.
          THEO
     (stumped, then thinks he
     realizes the mistake)
Do you mean histrionics?
          LEXI
What? (confused) Like in stereo
equipment? (shakes her head) You're
confusing me. Look, just invite a
few of your family. If they dont
show, we just tell everyone that it
was too far and not enough time to
plan.
          THEO
Its two months away. Who cant plan
a trip in two months time? Im not
asking them to throw some clothes
in a trash bag and jump in the
car. Travel is not usually an
obstacle for my family. At least
not my mother.... anyway....
          LEXI
Well, LAH-DEE-DAH Your Highness.
          THEO
Don't be mad. This just ups the
game.
          LEXI
I told Lisa that you'd need a
whole whole Pony and Dance show.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
54
          THEO
The what?
          LEXI
Pony and Dance show. And YES, I
know horses dont actually sing.
          THEO
Dog and pony show.
          LEXI
HA! Gotcha! Dogs dont sing either,
smart ass!
          THEO
Damn. (sarcastically) You win
again.
          LEXI
Just do this for me...
please? Think of it as an
adventure.
          THEO
There really isn't a way OUT at
this point is there?
          LEXI
Not if you want to live.
          THEO
OK, but you have to let Margot and
the Odd Couple help us.
          LEXI
Felix and Oscar? Ok, but why
Margot? She hates me.
          THEO
She doesn't hate you. She just
doesnt get your... humor.
          LEXI
now, I bet SHE thinks Im trash!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
55
                    THEO
          Not at all. OK, Im still on
          board. But seriously, no more
          surprises. Agreed?
LEXI Agreed.
INTERIOR - LISA'S HOME - A DAY OR SO LATER
                    LEXI
          THEY WHAT?
                    LISA
          They want to broadcast it. On the
          "I Thee Wed" show. Wedding TV or
          something.
                    LEXI
          No. No, no, no, no, no.
                    LISA
          What? You dont want to?
                    LEXI
          No. I mean, no. I mean, yes, I want
          to, but Theo... Theo will KILL ME.
                    LISA
          Well, he'd have to agree. I mean,
          they'd pay him as well.
                    LEXI
          Its already such a planning
          nightmare for his family. They have
          to coordinate...
          wait... What? PAY? What do you
          mean?
                    LISA
          Phillip said that since the Shore
          Club is already organizing the
          actual event, that the producers of
          the show have agreed to pay you and
          Theo to allow them to broadcast it
CUT TO
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
56
LISA (cont'd)
for...
                    LEXI
          PAY? Like cash? What are we talking
          about here? How much?
                    LISA
          I dont know. It isnt like you are
          actors. I assume its a nominal
          payment for the rights. Im certain
          there will be a pretty extensive
          appearance contract though. They
          need to indemnify themselves.
                    LEXI
          Ballpark.
                    LISA
          I really have no idea,
          sweetheart. Im not in television.
Lexi reaches over to a small desk and gets a phone.
                    LEXI
          Here. Call him. Find out.
                    LISA
          Will Theo say no?
                    LEXI
          Relax. I can handle Theo. I just
          need the deets.
                    LISA
          The what?
                    LEXI
          Deets. Details. The "411," the
"info."
                    LISA
          You CANNOT be that much younger
than I am.
                    LEXI
          Just call him. I just want to know.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
57
                    LISA
          Its late. He's probably at home. I
          can call him tomorrow.
                    LEXI
          Didnt you say youre friends with
          his wife? Kinky? Cat-lady?
LISA Katie.
                    LEXI
          So call him at home. Just say we
          were discussing it.
Lisa is a little hesitant, but takes the phone from Lexi and
dials the number. She half smiles at Lexi. Looks at her
hands again.
                    LISA
          You sure? No manicure? (into
          phone) KATIE! Hey, hon, its Lisa.
          (pause) Yes, Phillip was lovely, we
          are excited. (pause) Listen, I
          really HATE to bug Donald at home,
          but thats why I was calling. I was
          talking with Lexi and she just had
          a question. (pause) Yes, very
          excited. (pause) Yes, thats why Im
          calling. I told her and she just
          got really excited about the
          possibility and wanted to ask a few
          questions. I hope its alright.
Lisa covers the phone with her hand, looks sternly at Lexi
as she hands her the receiver.
LISA BE NICE.
Lexi grunts, takes the phone, puts a big fake smile on her
face, and winks at Lisa.
                    LEXI
          Donald! (overly sweetly) Hello,
          thank you SO much for indulging me.
          (pause) Oh, well you ARE sweet. I
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
58
                    LEXI (cont'd)
          just had a simple question about
          the TV show being involved...
          (pause) yes, that would be
          exciting. (then bluntly) How much?
Lisa groans.
                    LEXI
          I mean, "what" are they discussing
          as "compensation?" I just want to
          let my (over stresses the word)
          "fiancé" know about this... (pause,
          then shocked) Squeeze me?
Lisa covers her face in her hands.
                    LEXI
          I mean excuse me? (pause) AMERICAN?
          (pause) No, Im sure that is very
          generous. Yes, I will be certain to
          share with him. (pause) Yeah,
          'preesh.
Lisa pokes Lexi.
                    LEXI
          No, I mean I really appreciate it!
          (pause) Yes, it will be
          lovely. Thank you.
Lexi absentmindedly hands the phone to Lisa, almost drops it
before Lisa has a grasp on it. She sits back as if
stunned. Lisa take the phone.
                    LISA
          Donald? Yes, (pause) No, thank
          YOU. Yes, we will be in touch. Yes,
          just have them give us a call.
Lisa looks at Lexi, who is lost in thought.
                    LISA
          Well? What did he say? Are you
pleased?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
59
                    LEXI
          Well, he said they would pay us
          twenty thousand dollars. And they
          are bringing in stylists and a
          whole crew. This is cray-cray.
                    LISA
          Its what, sweetie?
Lexi looks at Lisa, still a bit in shock.
                    LEXI
          Oh my God... this is going to be SO
          MUCH WORK. I am not sure if I can
          do this. Its impossible.
                    LISA
          I think its great! And sure you
          can, thats why they are having
          folks help you! How exciting!
                    LEXI
          No, I mean, trying to convince Theo
          is going to be impossible.
                    LISA
          Do you not feel he will be
          enthusiastic?
                    LEXI
          Do I not "feel?" Ugh. He is gonna
be PISSED.
                    LISA
          Would you like me to talk with him?
          I mean, help ease his apprehension.
                    LEXI
          HA! Are you bringing some medicinal
          marijuana? He's gonna freak.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - NEXT AFTERNOON
                    THEO
          Oh my God. I am FREAK-ING-OUT. How
          did this happen?
Theo has just picked up Lexi from her office and is taking
her to her lunch so they can discuss the latest development.
                    LEXI
          Just so's I understand, are you
          HAPPY freaking out or ANGRY
          freaking out?
Theo pulls into parking lot of a small coffee house. There
is light jazz music on the radio. Lexi has a folder from the
Shore Club. She opens it. She turns down the radio.
                    LEXI
          I need to turn this down so I can
see.
                    THEO
          Its too loud for you to "see?"
                    LEXI
          I need to concentrate.
                    THEO
          What is that exactly? (indicating
the folder)
                    LEXI
          They sent it over to the office
          this morning. Its the information
          on what the motel is offering to
          do, and its an offer letter from
          the TV show.
                    THEO
          First of all, I wouldn't refer to
          the Shore Club as a "motel." Its a
          resort. And how did a TV show get
          involved?
Lexi takes out a few sheets of paper, closes the folder on
her lap. Looks at Theo.
(CONTINUED)
60
CONTINUED:
61
          LEXI
This is effing AWESOME. Twenty-
thousand dollars. Come ON. Thats
the whole chiuaua.
          THEO
The whole what?
          LEXI
Chiuaua. The little dog. You know,
"the whole chiuaua." Everything I
was looking for.
          THEO
You MAY mean "the whole enchilada"
but that doesn't answer my
question.
          LEXI
What? Like Im some kind of
Hollywood mogul? How do I know how
fake weddings work? Still, they
want to meet with us tomorrow. Some
production dude and group are here
and they are pre-planning. I
imagine they want us to get the
stick rolling.
          THEO
You need to just STOP trying to use
metaphors. Get the ball rolling, or
get on the stick. Or on the ball,
but still...
          LEXI
STOP TRYING TO HAVE A THESAURUS
INTERVENTION! Stay on target. We
need to do this!
          THEO
OK, this answers all of your needs,
but its just getting a bit out of
hand. How in the hell do I NOT
invite my family now?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
62
                    LEXI
          Whats the big deal?
                    THEO
          How long have we known each other?
                    LEXI
          Like, a hundred years.
                    THEO
          Since you attempted Univesity and I
          was in Grad School, 12 years.
                    LEXI
               (sarcastically)
AND....?
                    THEO
          I never told you the truth about my
          family. Well, not the "whole"
          truth.
Lexi gets wide-eyed. Sits up straight.
                    LEXI
          What? Criminals? Insanity
          issues? (gets REALLY excited) OH OH
          OH! CRIMINALLY insane?
                    THEO
          Well, my dad is kind of, well, kind
of...
                    LEXI
          A fugitive from justice? In WitSec?
                    THEO
          and STOP watching so much TV.
                    LEXI
          WHAT IS IT?
                    THEO
          He's a former high ranking member
          of the House of Commons, and runs
          one of the largest investment firms
          in Western Europe. He's...
          complicated. And doesnt exactly
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
63
                    THEO (cont'd)
          come without a lot of... lets just
say "help."
                    LEXI
          Help? Like maids and stuff?
                    THEO
          Well, kind of like Secret
          Service. Bodyguards.
                    LEXI
          Like a rap-star?
                    THEO
          Um. No. More like you'd expect from
          a member of, I dont know,
          the President. But a bit more low-
          key.
                    LEXI
          That doesnt make sense. "LIKE" the
          President AND low-key. Those are
          incontinent.
                    THEO
          Incongruous.
                    LEXI
          Ugh. NOW I cant even use adverbs
correctly?
                    THEO
          Adjectives.
Lexi rolls up a fist and raises it.
                    THEO
          Not the point.... listen. If I have
          to invite him, it WILL be a three
          ring circus with a dash of an
          affair of state thrown in.
                    LEXI
               (sarcastically)
          A circus AND a fair! Throw in some
          barefoot bridesmaids and a Bar-B-
          Que and it WILL be a Wedding.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
64
THEO What?
          LEXI
Nothing, just some craziness from
the hens at the office.... so...
your dad must be kinda loaded then
huh?
          THEO
     (cautiously)
Well, after a fashion I guess, but
it must all be tied up in accounts
and such. He lives like a normal
guy, more or less.
          LEXI
More or less like the
President? President of what? The
home-owners association?
          THEO
Lets stick to the point. I cannot
really invite him without a lot of
logistics being thrown in.
          LEXI
YOU said your family could travel
without having to "throw clothes in
a trash bag" and now we are talking
"logistics." Is that even a word? I
dont think thats a real word!
          THEO
It would just be complicated.
          LEXI
They are going to pay us TWENTY
THOUSAND DOLLARS! Let it get a
little complicated.
          THEO
I told you I would do this for you,
its just getting more...
involved. Just let me think about
it. I need to strategize. Um.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 65
Lexi looks at Theo, puzzled.
                    THEO
          "Strategize" is a real word.
                    LEXI
          Lay off me, mister. C'mon... the
          hotel handles visits from
          celebrities all the time. Its
          always in the paper. I'm sure they
          can handle a visit from the Bank
          Manager, even a high-falutin' one.
                    THEO
          Hedge fund.
                    LEXI
          Hedge fund? Is he a banker or a
landscaper?
                    THEO
               (rolls his eyes at her
               comment)
          OK I will ask him. OK? But I was
          hoping to avoid involving my whole
          family. I dont feel like dealing
          with an interrogation. I will have
          to figure out how to get them to
          understand whats happening, without
          making it seem underhanded.
                    LEXI
          Hey, we can make it work. We are a
team!
                    THEO
          Explain to me what they told you,
          let me see that folder with all the
          information.
Lexi gets up and goes to a big bag she brought with
her. Theo gets up and gets a bottle of mineral water, sits
back down. Lexi opens up the folder and takes out several
sheets of paper.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
66
                    LEXI
          I dont speak "contract" so you will
          have to let me know what it says.
Lexi hands several of the papers to Theo. He begins to read
through them.
                    THEO
          OK, first of all, they want to own
          the footage, including whatever
          they film of us and anyone at the
          event...
                    LEXI
          Wedding.
                    THEO
          Cool your jets, Monster
          Bride. (continues) and they want it
          in perpetuity....
Lexi makes a confused face.
                    THEO
          Forever.
                    LEXI
          Whats wrong with that?
                    THEO
          I wouldnt sign that, Id give them a
          time limit. And if they or the
          hotel was going to use it more than
          five years, we should ask for
          another payment to extend.
                    LEXI
          Like a million dollars?
Theo looks at her, cannot tell if she is joking.
                    THEO
          No, Madmesoille Greedy, we'd be
          lucky to get five thousand or so
          after that. They probably wouldnt
          even want it, becomes too dated,
          but I still dont want them to own
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
67
                    THEO (cont'd)
          it forever. Not the video, not the
          still shots.
Lexi looks confused again.
                    THEO
          Photos. Seriously, you cannot be
this dense.
                    LEXI
          Look, Im not an idiot, but this is
          all kinda different. The only
          contracts I sign are for my car
          loan and a Macy's credit card.
                    THEO
          You handle negotiations for work
          all the time. This isnt above your
          head. You just have to get in the
          right mind set. See, here, they
          stipulate that they want the rights
          in other markets, including
          international.
                    LEXI
          Like Europe?
                    THEO
          Europe, Asia, where ever. And they
          want to use it in print, digital,
          voice and any distribution channel,
          including but not limited to
          internet based platforms.
                    LEXI
          So basically any way that they'd
          want to use it.
                    THEO
          Exactly. I would expect them to
          misuse it, but again, I just want a
          time limit.
                    LEXI
          Understood. But what do you
          say? Can we make this work?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 68
Theo sets the papers aside. He looks off as if lost in
thought for a moment. Then he gets a bit serious.
                    THEO
          OK, you get to pay off your
          debts. You BANK the twenty thousand
          for at least six months, see what
          happens, if your family gives you
          extra stuff. We DON'T lie any more
          than necessary. We are NOT planning
          on starting a family! Do NOT get
          anyone thinking you are going to
          get pregnant.
Lexi mimes being relieved.
                    LEXI
          I was worried you would decide you
          wanted me to carry your seed.
THEO Gross.
Lexi laughs extensively at her own humor. Theo is non-
affected.
                    THEO
          Back to the issue at hand. Are we
          agreed? And no more taking meetings
          without me. Got it?
                    LEXI
          Laying down the law. OK, OK,
          OK. Agreed. But we both have to
          sign the contract, so let them know
          what changes you want and lets
          light this cake!
THEO Candle.
LEXI What?
                    THEO
          Light this candle. Not the cake.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
69
MONTAGE:
LEXI Ugh.
Scenes of Lexi and Theo working with Felix, Oscar,and
Margo. Looking through wedding planning information, talking
with event staff and looking at decorations, Theo being a
bit more involved and thoughtful, Lexi shrugging, Theo
making style decisions. An assistant from the hotel ushers
Theo out while they bring in a few wedding dresses, Lexi is
unimpressed with overly romantic, traditional wedding
dresses. Margot pulls out an iPad and Googles a "Lesbian
Wedding" site and then shows Lexi a photo of two stylish
women wearing matching tuxedos, Lexi gets a smile on her
face and points to a photo of two women wearing tuxedos and
high top tennis shoes, Oscar texts a copy to Theo, who texts
back "NO," Lexi is upset, but then Margot shows a photo of
two women in elegant matching cream colored simple gowns, no
frills. Felix and Oscar send a pic to Theo, he replies "OK"
and Lexi tries to high five Margot, another text from Theo
"no sneakers" and Lexi frowns.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXIS APARTMENT- SOME DAYS LATER
Lexi is laying face down on her bed, she is surrounding by
papers and photos of the wedding information. Her phone
rings, she doesn't recognize the number, answers it,
sounding exhausted.
LEXI Hello?
Peter Mills, a producer from the "I Thee Wed" television
crew is calling.
                    PETER
          Hello Lexi, this is Peter Mills,
          from "I Thee Wed." I am the
          Producer and I was hoping I could
          arrange a meeting soon with you
(MORE)
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
70
                    PETER (cont'd)
          and , Theo, is it?
Lexi sits upright, gathering a lot of the papers together,
searching for a particular one, finds a folder Theo has
labeled "CONTRACT" and she pulls it out.
                    LEXI
          Was there a problem with the
          contract? Are well still on the
          show?
                    PETER
          Oh certainly, I can discuss our
          agreement with your changes
          tomorrow, but no, this is more of a
          personal meeting I wanted to have
          with you both before things get
          crazy.
                    LEXI
          Things are gonna get crazier? How
          is that possible? Trained seals?
                    PETER
               (laughing, but sounds
               uncertain if he thinks she is
               serious)
          No, no, nothing like that. We would
          like to stay away from gimmicks. I
          just wanted you both to have be
          able to be as comfortable as
          possible, and have a face from the
          leadership team to rely on.
                    LEXI
          So what are we talking about? Where
are you?
                    PETER
          Im in Chicago right now, will be in
          town tomorrow. Hows tomorrow
          evening?
                    LEXI
          I have to check with the Mrs...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
71
                    PETER
               (a little confused)
          Excuse me? This must be a horrible
          connection, I thought I was
          speaking with Lexi...
                    LEXI
          Naw, its me, just a joke. Kinda. I
          will ask Theo. Where should we meet
          you?
                    PETER
          Why dont you choose your favorite
          restaurant, and we can arrange to
          meet there. Let me take you to
          dinner.
                    LEXI
          For reals? (excited) I hope you
          have a decent expense account.
                    PETER
               (laughs)
          Haha, I trust your judgment... and
          your self control. But just the
          three of us, and possibly my
          assistant.
LEXI Got ya.
                    PETER
          My assistant is Laura, I will have
          her give you a call later. Let her
          know where and what time is best,
          after 5 pm if thats ok.
                    LEXI
          Rock on. (changes to a more
          professional tone) I mean, thank
          you very much.
                    PETER
          See you then!
****************************************************
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
72
EXTERIOR - RESTAURANT - NEXT EVENING -
Lexi and Theo are getting out of Theo's car, and walk
towards a small restaurant. Lexi is talking non-stop
                    LEXI
          ...so all I said was "I am going to
          DESTROY this bathroom" and she had
          a fit! I mean, we are all women
          there, whats the big deal?
                    THEO
          Charming story. Really? Cant you
          use a different metaphor? Like "I
          need to go read a magazine" or
          something even slightly less
          vulgar?
                    LEXI
          Dude, I DESTROYED that bathroom....
                    THEO
          And you're single?
They stop outside the entrance. It is moderately busy
inside, lively, a bit noisy. Lexi stops Theo from going in.
                    LEXI
          Listen, I have no idea what this
          guy may be asking us, if he starts
          asking a lot of questions, just
          follow my lead. I dont want him to
          get suspicious.
                    THEO
          Suspicious of what? We aren't
          planning a bank robbery.
                    LEXI
          Still, I dont want him getting ant
feet....
THEO What?
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
73
                    LEXI
          You know, "ant feet" like he may
          change his mind. Ants are erratic
          little buggers.
                    THEO
          I think you mean "antsy" or "cold
feet."
                    LEXI
          What ever...
                    THEO
          If you have to use the ladies room,
          you may not want to tell him your
          are going to "destroy" the
          plumbing. Just an etiquette hint.
                    LEXI
          Good to know.
Lexi turns to enter the restaurant but doesnt hold the door
for Theo, and it begins to shut quickly. He rolls his
eyes. She is waiting for him at the hostess stand, when he
stands beside her she attempts to hold his hand. He
instinctively pulls away.
                    THEO
          What? Dont hurt me.
                    LEXI
          We are ENGAGED, "dear." You CAN
          hold my hand in public.
                    THEO
          Oh this. So we start now?
                    LEXI
               (hissing)
          Get with the program. (she digs
          through her pocket to find a folded
          up piece of paper, reads it, then
          to the hostess) Hi, we are meeting
          a Mr Peter Mills here.
Theo gets a shocked look on his face.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
74
                    THEO
          WHO? (grabs the paper, reads it)
          Where did you say he lived?
                    HOSTESS
          Yes, you must be (checking a small
          clipboard) Theo and Lucky?
Theo is caught off guard, laughs out loud.
                    LEXI
               (overly sweetly)
          No, sweetie, "Lexi." Theo and
          "LEXI."
                    HOSTESS
               (unphased)
          I am SO sorry, I apologize. Blame
          the penmanship! Please forgive me.
                    LEXI
               (under her breath to Theo)
          Really? "Lucky?" Do I LOOK like a
          stripper.
                    THEO
          Not even a chance. (a little more
          serious) Hey, listen, I think that
          there is something I might have to
          add, here...
                    HOSTESS
          Right this way. Mr Mills has only
          just been seated.
                    LEXI
               (whispering)
          Can it for now. I've gotta get my
          game-face on. (looks at Theo) And
          you may wanna try and keep a
          "straight" face. HA!
The hostess ushers them through the restaurant to a small
table where a very attractive man is busy typing on an ipad
and talking on the phone. He looks up.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
75
                    PETER
               (standing)
          Lexi and Theo? (breaks into a big
          smile) THEO? (regains some
          composure) Um... Im not sure if you
          remember, we actually... we
          actually first met at a TED
          conference..
Lexi looks stunned. Narrows her eyes at Theo.
                    LEXI
          A "TED" conference? What? Like a
          bunch of guys named "Theodore?"
He and Theo lock eyes for a moment. Lexi notices. She
interjects.
                    LEXI
          YES. Mr Mills. Im Lexi Simons and
          this is my boyfriend...haha, Im
          sorry, my "fiance" Theo.
Theo reaches out to shake hands with Peter, Lexi maneuvers
and takes Peters hand. Peter directs his attention back to
her.
                    THEO
          TED conference. Technology,
          Entertainment, and Design. It was a
          few years ago. San Diego, I think.
                    PETER
          San Francisco. Anyway, So nice to
          meet you again, both. I mean so
          nice to see you again, and meet
          your lovely wife to be. We are
          really excited about being part of
          this occasion with you, both.
Peter looks at Theo again, a little too intently, Lexi
notices.
LEXI (dryly)
Yeah. Both.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
76
Theo gives her a small nudge.
                    THEO
          Thanks... its kind of a crazy
          idea. But I guess a nice
          opportunity.
                    PETER
          Well, we are excited.
                    LEXI
          Yeah, yeah. Exciting. What can we
          tell you? So, about this THEO
          conference...
                    THEO
          TED. TED conference. Remember I
          showed you the YouTube video about
          the power of having a great logo?
Peter laughs a bit nervously.
                    PETER
          Here, please (handing the menu to
          Lexi) order something to eat. This
          is just a casual way to get to know
          you a little bit better myself. I
          hope youre hungry.
                    LEXI
               (almost scowling at Theo, then
               warily looking at Peter)
          Oh, I could ANNIHILATE a lobster
          mac and cheese...
Theo groans almost silently.
                    LEXI
               (changing tone)
          I mean, they have a lovely lobster
          mac and cheese here...
                    PETER
               (laughing)
          Sounds perfect. (to Theo) And what
          do you enjoy? (only slightly
          playfully) I mean, to eat? I mean,
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
77
                     (cont'd)
          what would you like?
Lexi suddenly realizes that Peter must be gay, and gets a
little irritated.
                    LEXI
          Yes, honey. What WOULD you like?
                    THEO
          Oh, I'll have what you're having...
          I mean, whatever she wants. Or, I
          mean, lobster mac and cheese is
          great.
Lexi eyes them both a little warily. She makes a point of
taking Theo's hand.
                    LEXI
          Well, it DOES seem a bit crazy, but
          we are excited too. Its just so...
          exciting.
                    THEO
          Yes, I am excited.
Lexi squeezes his hand hard.
The waitress arrives, they order and then get more
situated. Lexi watches as Peter unfolds his napkin in a
quick motion, placing it on his lap in a competent
manner. She attempts to do the same, doesnt have a good grip
and the napkin flys out of her hand. A passing waiter
catches it and hands it back to her.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - SAME RESTAURANT - 2O MINUTES LATER
A trio of waiters bring the food and alternate delivering
the food from the left and refilling water glasses from the
right. Lexi keeps looking from left to right as if confused
by the action. The waiters leave, and the trio settles in to
eating.
Theo is explaining about his first meeting with Peter.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
78
                    THEO
          ...and its leaders in the
          industries, or people who are
          making a name for themselves in
          areas of technology, "T,"
          entertainment, "E," and design,
          "D." T... E... D. TED. Peter was
          there on the production crew, I
          believe, and I was there with a
          group of graphic designers and
          internet guys.
Lexi is listening but regarding Peter with some
apprehension. Peter looks at her, smiling.
                    LEXI
          So Peter, more to the point, what
          can we tell you?
                    PETER
          Well, the team just wanted to keep
          a focus. No offense, but sometimes
          brides can get a bit... over
          stimulated, lets say, and I wanted
          to check in with you and make
          certain you are handling... the
          pressure... well.
                    LEXI
          THIS one (nods toward Theo) is the
          real nervous nellie....
Theo coughs and squeezes Lexi's hand hard. She puts her
other hand over top of his, leans in attempting to nuzzle.
                    THEO
          What she means is, Im the
          reasonable one. She can be a bit
          overzealous.
Lexi turns to Theo, a bit agitated.
                    LEXI
          What do you mean jealous? Of what!?
Peter seems a bit more interested. He seems a bit amused by
the dynamic between the two, and continues to look at Theo
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 79
with a mild, bashful but direct way.
                    THEO
          Over ZEALOUS, "honey." You can get
          carried away.
                    LEXI
          Oh. (a bit calmer) Oh, yeah,
          maybe. (she turns back to Peter)
          SO, we're all good, right? No,
          second thoughts?
                    PETER
          No, no second thoughts from the
          production team. (looks at Theo)
          How about you guys? Are you sure
          you want to do this?
Theo blushes and looks at Lexi, smiling nervously.
                    THEO
          Oh, I think we're ready for
          commitment for sure.
                    PETER
          No, I mean, the filming of your
          wedding. It can be a bit
          intense. Fishbowl, you know.
                    THEO
          Oh, it wont last that long... I
          mean the craziness. The wedding...
          I mean the filming. (nervous) We
          will make it through.
Peter laughs. Lexi is hiding her irritation.
                    LEXI
          What is there left for us to
          do? Besides the wedding I mean?
                    PETER
          Have you finalized all the
          arrangements? Theo, I noticed that
          your family travel is being handled
          privately, is there any way I can
          help? From a production
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
80
                    PETER (cont'd)
          perspective?
                    THEO
          I sent some information about my
          fathers... itinerary and travel
          requirements... I think its just
          easier for his staff to handle it.
                    PETER
          Wow, sounds a bit complicated. Are
          you certain I can't handle
          something for you?
                    LEXI
               (a bit directly)
          Um... no need. Listen, I just want
          to make certain we are all on the
          same page, here. Is there anything
          else we need to know here? Whats
          your angle?
Theo looks at Lexi a bit surprised. He tries to compensate
for her brusque manner.
                    THEO
          I think what Lexi means is, this is
          all so complicated, I guess we just
          dont want any last minute
          emergencies.
                    PETER
          Oh, no worries. No complications.
Peter winks at Theo without Lexi noticing. Theo chokes on
his water, Lexi looks at him.
                    LEXI
          What? What'd I miss? You ok?
                    PETER
          Yes, Theo, are you OK?
                    THEO
               (choking out the words)
          Fine... fine... all good. What were
          we talking about? Oh.. (regains his
          composure)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 81
They finish their meals and the staff remove the last of the
plates. Waitress overs coffee and they all order some.
                    WAITRESS
          Would anyone care for something
          sweet?
Theo and Peter exchange glances.
                    WAITRESS
          Dessert?
Theo knows that Lexi wants something, he turns to her.
                    THEO
          Go ahead, you know you're dying for
it.
                    PETER
          Yes, please. Whatever youd
          like. Theo, what about you?
Theo wont make eye contact. He looks down as he folds and
refolds his napkin.
                    THEO
          No. No. Im good.
Lexi orders dessert, coffee is served. Lexi begins to add
several spoonfuls of sugar. Peter looks at her smiling.
                    PETER
          I guess you DO like something
          sweet. Caffeine and sugar wont keep
          you up, will it?
                    THEO
          Just try and put her down.
                    LEXI
          Im a sweets-aholic. It shows in my
          personality. Pure sugar.
                    PETER
          Good to know.
The waitress delivers a large slice of grapefruit cake, and
Lexi begins with a large forkful.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
82
     LEXI
(mouth full)
Yum.
They continue to make small talk as they drink coffee. Lexi
scrapes the plate with her fork, getting every last crumb.
                    PETER
          So, we are good then. Only a few
          weeks til the big day. If you nee
          ANYTHING, please do not
          hesitate. Theo, we dont cover
          bachelor parties though! You may be
          on your own, my man. Although, you
          can be sure and invite me.
                    THEO
          I doubt there will be a big send
          off for me. We need to worry about
          Lexi and making certain she doesnt
          spin out of control.
                    LEXI
          Hey, I will be the perfect
          bride. No worries. YOU just dont
          worry about me. Its my big day!
The waitress brings a bill. It sits on the table for just a
moment, and Lexi looks at it, then to Peter, then back to
the bill.
LEXI Um...
                    PETER
          No worries, its on me. Well, on the
          show's budget.
                    LEXI
          Whew! HA! Im kidding.
Peter puts a credit card into the check folder, hands it
back to the waitress as she passes, she nods.
                    WAITRESS
          Thank you sir, I'll bring this
right back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 83
The waitress leaves, Peter tries to catch Theo's eye again,
Theo is avoiding looking directly at him.
                    THEO
          Good meal, huh? (to Lexi) You OK,
babe?
                    LEXI
          Yeah, "BABE." Im groovy. (to Peter)
          So, when will we see you again? I
          mean BOTH of us?
                    PETER
          Well, we will be in each others
          lives a few more times before the
          big day. Im flying back to Chicago
          tomorrow afternoon, after a meeting
          with, Donald and Phillip, I
          believe, from the Shore Club.
                    LEXI
          Nice guys. That place has GREAT
          bathrooms.
Peter looks at Lexi a bit confused.
                    LEXI
          They're fancy! Pointy toilet
          tissue, water fountain toilets,
          orgasmic washcloths...
Peter and Theo look at her wide eyed.
                    LEXI
          You know, folded all fancy, like
          Japanese paper animals?
                    PETER
          OH! (laughing) Origami.
                    LEXI
               (irritated)
          Why is it everyone feels the need
          to correct me?
Peter seems genuinely concerned that he has insulted
her. Theo notices and wraps an arm around Lexi, playfully.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
84
                    THEO
          We just love your colorful play on
          the English language, sweetie!
                    LEXI
          Yah, sure. Whatev's.
The waitress brings the check holder and credit card back,
placing it in front of Peter.
                    WAITRESS
          Thank you all so much. Have a
          lovely evening.
Peter opens it up and writes in a tip, Lexi strains a bit to
see what he is leaving.
                    LEXI
          WOW! Big tipper!
                    PETER
          I was a bartender all through
          college. I understand the struggle.
                    LEXI
          Oh? At some fancy restaurant?
                    PETER
          No, it was a... bar. In San Fran.
Theo seems to get a little nervous again.
                    THEO
          You ready, sweetie?
                    LEXI
          Oh, I am SO ready! After this meal
          Im gonna sleep like baby log!
Peter seems confused again.
                    THEO
          Like a baby. Or like a log.
                    LEXI
          Again, with the corrections? Back
off mister.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 85
They all smile. Peter stands, offers to assist Lexi out of
her chair, she looks suprised. Theo stands, they walk toward
the front of the restaurant. Peter catches his eye behind
Lexi and Theo just shakes his head, nodding toward
Lexi. Peter half smiles. Lexi stops at the hostess stand.
                    LEXI
               (to the hostess)
          We had a LOVELY dinner, THANK
          you. (points to Theo and
          Peter) THEY are the "LUCKY" ones.
The hostess just smiles. Peter looks confused again. Theo
shakes his head. They all exit the restaurant.
EXT. SIDEWALK AT RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
The three stand briefly on the sidewalk.
                    PETER
          Well, good night you two. Thanks
          again, it was a pleasure meeting
          you... both. (to Lexi, then turns
          to Theo) Theo, it was great to meet
          you again. Quite a surprise, I
          guess it IS a small world
          afterall! Glad we can be part of
          this occassion with you...both.
                    THEO
          Yes, thank you. I guess we'll meet
          again soon. I mean us.
          (awkwardly) Both of us. She and I.
LEXI (dryly)
          He got it. (turns to Peter, holding
          her hand as if expecting him to
          kiss it. He briefly shankes
          it.) Nice. Thanks again for the
          din-din.
                    PETER
          My pleasure.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 86
Peter nods to them both, takes a few steps back, then turns
and leaves. Looking over his shoulder once as Theo and Lexi
turn to leave together.
                    LEXI
          Oh, we are SO going to be
          discussing this tonight. Im
          crashing at your place.
THEO Fine.
                    LEXI
          Stop and get real milk. And half
          and half. Im not drinking that
          almond crap in my coffee again.
                    THEO
          Yes, "dear."
They walk together and get into Theo's car. Lexi stands at
the passenger side, waiting as if for Theo to open the door
for her. She raises her eyebrows and nods toward the car
door. Theo raises up the key fob, depressing the unlock
button dramatically.
                    THEO
          There ya go.
                    LEXI
          So much for silvery.
                    THEO
          Chivalry.
                    LEXI
               (opening the door herself)
Ass-face.
                    THEO
               (opening his door and climbing
               in)
          Ever the charming one.
Lexi puts on her seatbelt, Theo does the same. He backs out
and then drives away.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Theo drives, turns on the radio at a low volume. Lexi keeps
looking at him intently, waiting for him to speak. He begins
to sing along with the radio. Lexi reaches over and turns it
off. She crosses her arms. Theo is ignoring her, continues
to sing without the radio. She clears her throat
loudly. Theo glances over at her, smiling. She becomes
visibly more irritated.
                    LEXI
          OK, lady. OUT WITH IT. Who IS that
guy?
Theo takes a deep breath. Looks at her then back to the
road. He is silent for a moment.
                    THEO
          Remember I told you about a guy
          I... "met" at a weekend
          conference? In San
          Francisco? Turned into a week?
Lexi continues to stare.
                    THEO
          Pete? Mid-western guy. Had an...
          interesting tattoo?
Lexi is thinking now, trying to recall. She gets a wide-eyed
suprised look on her face.
                    LEXI
          Oh... NO!!!
Theo looks a little embarrassed.
                    THEO
          So you remember?
                    LEXI
          PETE? Pistol-packing PETE?
                    THEO
               (more embarrassed)
          The one and only.
(CONTINUED)
87
CONTINUED:
88
                    LEXI
          Dear God. You... are... a...
                    THEO
          HEY! It wasnt exactly like a random
          hook up! I thought we had a real
          connection!
Lexi looks as if she remembers something.
                    LEXI
          WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! He said
          "where we FIRST met!"
Theo looks over at her, sheepishly.
                    LEXI
          PETER! THAT Peter?
Theo is silent but he raises his eyebrows, eyes intent on
the road as he drives.
                    LEXI
          You spent another week with him,
          didnt you? Thats the guy you went
          to meet in Florida!?
                    THEO
               (almost to himself)
          Oh, this is SO gonna bite me in the
          ass.
                    LEXI
          Dont take me to my place. Im
          crashing at yours. We are TALKING
          about Pistol Pete!
THEO Ugh.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
CUT TO
Lexi is coming into a Theo's kitchen, goes to the cabinet to
get two glasses. She chooses two water glasses, turns to
Theo.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
89
                    LEXI
          OK, what kind of booze do you have?
                    THEO
          Are you sure thats a good idea?
                    LEXI
          Oh, we are going to talk, and I
          know that booze loosens that mouth
          of yours. You're spilling the chili
          on this one.
Theo laughs but before he can say anything, Lexi interrupts.
                    LEXI
          YES, I know its really "spill the
          beans" but it made me think of
          chili.
                    THEO
          How about some more Champagne,
          Lush? You able to drink that again?
                    LEXI
          Yah, hairless dog and all...
                    THEO
          "Hair of the dog"
                    LEXI
          either way... its a bit prissy, but
          whatever floats your boat. Where is
          it?
Lexi opens another cabinet, pulls out a very fancy
bottle. She looks it over.
                    LEXI
          "Elderflower?"
                    THEO
          Thats a VERY nice liqueur. Actually
          would be nice to splash in the
          Champagne. Good choice. But the
          Champagne wouldnt be in a cabinet,
          sweetie. Its in the fridge.
Lexi sets the bottle on the counter next to the glasses.
                                                  (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
90
                    THEO
          Um... can we use stemware for
          Champagne?
Lexi turns back to Theo.
                    LEXI
          Really? It matters?
                    THEO
          It would be good practice for you
          to learn how to hold a proper
          glass. I mean for the wedding and
          all.
Lexi returns the two water glasses, finds two champagne
glasses on a rack, sets them on the counter. She clomps over
to the refridgerator, dramatically.
                    LEXI
          "Stemware"... ha. "Edlerflower
          liquere." HONESTLY... is there a
          gayer drink?
She opens the refridgerator door, spies a small bottle with
pink liquid and picks it up and reads it.
                    LEXI
          "Rose Petel Lemonade." Oh look, a
GAYER drink.
                    THEO
          Lets calla truce on knocking each
          others culinary choices, OK Bacon
          doughnut?
                    LEXI
          You liked it too! You called it
          "savory splendor!"
                    THEO
          You remember that but cant remember
          "hair of the dog?"
Lexi finds a bottle of champagne, pulls it out. Theo
interjects.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
91
                    THEO
          No offense, but not the Vueuve. Can
          you grab a bottle of Moet?
Lexi looks confused.
                    THEO
          Not the orange label. The white
          label with the star.
                    LEXI
          Whats wrong with the pretty orange
label?
                    THEO
          Its a bit much for late night truth
or dare.
                    LEXI
          Fine. Hooch is hooch after 10 pm
anyway.
Lexi unwraps the foil on the bottle. Seems stumped by the
wire and cork. She looks to Theo. Offers him the bottle.
                    LEXI
          You mind?
Theo takes the bottle and expertly opens the bottle with a
muffled but distinctive pop. He hands it back to her.
                    LEXI
          Thanks. So what is a "splash?"
                    THEO
          Just add a drop or two, a quick
dash.
Lexi pours the Champagne and then delicately adds a perfect
splash of liquere.
                    LEXI
          Look at me! Im a Somalian!
                    THEO
          Im thinking you mean Sommolier, and
          not Somali, really more like a
          bartender... but LOOK AT YOU! Well
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
92
                    THEO (cont'd)
          done sweetie.
Lexi brings the glass to Theo, who sits on a couch in the
adjoining living room. Lexi returns for the bottles and
brings them into the living room. She joins Theo on the
couch.
                    LEXI
          OK. Now, start at the
          beginning. Pistol Packing Pete. Go.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - NEXT MORNING
DISSOLVE
Theo is sitting at his small kitchen table, drinking coffee
and reading news posts on his iPad. Lexi stubles in,
obviously from just waking up, dissheveled.
                    THEO
          Good morning, Starshine.
Lexi grunts. She squints at the sun coming through the
window.
                    LEXI
          Holy crap. Is it NOON or something?
                    THEO
          Its twelve after seven.
Lexi picks up a pair of Theo's sunglasses from a small
basket on a phone table, puts them on. Goes to the pantry,
opens the door and just stands there. Theo watches her.
                    THEO
          You want a breakfast?
                    LEXI
          Do you just have cereal?
                    THEO
          There's some granola, but its
organic.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
93
                    LEXI
          Naturally.
Lexi laughs at herself.
                    LEXI
          "Naturally" ha! cuz its
          organic. Ugh.
Lexi goes to the cabinet and gets a bowl, then a spoon from
a drawer, sets them on the table, returns to the pantry,
looking.
                    LEXI
          Well where is it? I dont see a box?
                    THEO
          Its actually in a bag, its in...
                    LEXI
          Wait first, do you even have milk?
                    THEO
          There's some almond milk.
                    LEXI
          Please tell me that "Almond" is the
          name of your cow.
                    THEO
          No such luck sweetie. I do have
          some half and half, but probably
          just enough for your coffee. But
          almond milk is sweet, youd like it.
                    LEXI
          I doubt Id like it on organic
          granola. Wait, whats this...
Lexi pulls out a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies, she looks
at the bag. She smiles. She goes to the refridgerator again,
finds a bottle of almond milk, she looks at the label,
shrugs, brings it to the table. She opens the bag of cookies
while Theo watches. She regards the contents, then closes
the bag, and begins to smash the contents, reopens the bag,
emptying the crumbs and pieces into the bowl. Theo is wide
eyed. She then pours the almond milk into the bowl. She
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 94
takes the spoon and tries a bit. She smiles.
                    LEXI
          Yum! This almond milk isnt half
bad!
                    THEO
          Un-freaking-believable. Hey, Sharon
          Stone, can you take off the shades
          and talk. Are we cool about
          Peter? It wont become an issue,
          right?
Lexi takes off the sunglasses in a slightly exaggerated
manner. She shakes her head and then places them on top of
her head. She takes another bite of the cookie
concoction. Chewing slowly but looks a bit pensive. She
plays with the spoon in the bowl, moving the mixture
around. She sighs.
                    LEXI
          No, its cool. I guess it threw
          me. I mean, its SO obvi- that he is
          way into you.
                    THEO
          Doubtful, he kinda disappeared
          after the Florida trip. That was
          over a year ago.
                    LEXI
          Oh, COME ON babe. You know how you
          can get. When you like someone you
          get kind of .... "aloof." You're
          hard to read mister.
Theo seems as if he wants to argue but cannot. He takes the
spoon out of his coffee and takes a bite of her cookie
mix. He raises his eyebrows as if pleasantly surprised. His
look turns a little sad.
                    THEO
          Yeah. Maybe. Still, a guy likes to
          be pursued. He kinda gave up way
          too easy.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
95
                    LEXI
          Well, he is so your type. Seems
          like he has it going
          on. Creative. Smart. Really nice
          looking without being annoyingly
          handsome. But you can intimidate
          the best of them. You're no slouch.
                    THEO
          So, what. It isn't like I can date
          him. Not now. Isn't our predicament
          kind of an impediment?
Lexi looks confused.
                    THEO
          A roadblock. Snag.
                    LEXI
          Like a fly on the wall.
                    THEO
          in the ointment, but yeah.
                    LEXI
          Baby. I love you. I want you to be
happy.
                    THEO
          Im confused, you want me to tell
          him we are basically full of crap
          and making this up?
Lexi gets wide eyed.
                    LEXI
          Oh HECK no. Not until I cash that
          sweet, sweet check! (then more
          playfully) But dont worry, he was
          smitten. Just start prepping him
          for our divorce. DONT let him lose
          touch. He digs you. But DONT mess
          this up for me.
                    THEO
          Damn. You are confusing the heck
          out of me. But I do know something
                   (MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
96
                    THEO (cont'd)
          for certain...
                    LEXI
          What's that?
Theo pulls her bowl of cookies closer to him, Lexi protests.
                    THEO
          THIS is damned good.
They start to each dig into the bowl enthusiastically.
                    THEO
          Get some more cookies.
INTERIOR - LISA'S HOME - A DAY OR SO LATER
CUT TO
Lexi walks in the front door. Lisa is dressed simply but
elegantly. Lexi is wearing shorts and a t-shirt with casual
sneakers. Lisa looks at her and smiles almost
sympathetically.
                    LISA
          Sweetheart... you're so pretty. Why
          dont you like to .... I dont
          know... show off a bit more?
                    LEXI
          I am COMFORTABLE. Besides, if we
          are going to fittings and such,
          wont I be changing back and forth
          most of the day?
Lisa reaches out and brushes a bit of hair from Lexi's
face. She is obviously very tender towards Lexi.
                    LISA
          You're right. You're right. But
          thanks for indulging me. Im so
          excited. We havent done much pre-
          wedding things together yet!
                    LEXI
          Well, Im yours all day today and
          tomorrow. The big day is a'coming.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
97
                    LISA
          Arent you getting excited?
          Nervous? Anything?
Lexi shrugs but sees that Lisa is hopeful for more, so she
musters a smile, then shakes herself gently like a small
child.
                    LEXI
          Well, yeah... kinda. (gets a bit
          more serious) But two things, I
          need coffee first, and do NOT let
          me drink anything al-co-hol-ic. Im
          a lady.
Lisa smiles and laughs slightly.
                    LISA
          You're on. And today is on
          ME. Lunch is my treat. And dinner
          with me and your father
          tonight? Deal?
                    LEXI
               (slighly apprehensvie)
          Im yours ALL day... go easy!
MONTAGE: SCENES OF LISA AND LEXI AT COFFEE HOUSE, SHOE
SHOPPING WITH SWATCHES OF FABRIC FROM WEDDING DRESS. DRESS
FITTINGS, AT THE PRINTERS FOR INVITATIONS AND PLACE CARDS
AND MENU.
Lexi occasionally looks at Lisa with a mix of curiosity an
admiration. Lisa is obviously enjoying herself by helping
Lexi, and is very adept at talking with the various
personnel. She is enthusiastic and turns to Lexi often for a
reasurring nod or approval. They pass by a small jewelry
shop, Lisa catches Lexi looking at a small vintage
necklace. Lisa coaxes her in to try it on. Lexi actually
admires herself in a small mirror, with a whistful
smile. Lisa pulls out a charge card, Lexi protests a bit,
Lisa is persistant. Lexi turns back to admire the necklace
again as the sales clerk brings a slip Lisa signs, and a
nice velvet box and small bag. Lexi smiles, touched, Lisa
just squeezes her hand. They go to lunch, Lisa still
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 98
animatedly showing photos os small but tasteful bouquets for
a bride. Lexi seems less interested until they happen on a
small mix of tiny pink roses and violets. Lisa makes a
gesture asking if Lexi is certain, and Lexi has a sweet look
on her face as if she is giving in to the idea, and Lisa
smiles and puts a post-it note on the page, and draws a
heart on it with a small marker. They resume eating while
Lisa seems to be talking and gesturing, telling stories,
revelling in the time she is spending with Lexi.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo is working at his desk, surrounded by papers. His phone
rings. He looks at the caller ID, it is a Chicago number, he
makes a face as if he does not recognize the number, and
sets it down. On the next ring, he grabs it with a sudden
flash of recognition. He pushes the button to answer but
hesitates a moment... we hear a voice on the other end.
                    PETER
          Hello? Theo? Hello?
                    THEO
          Um... yeah. Hello?
                    PETER
          Hey, Theo, its Peter. Peter
          Mills. Is it OK to call?
                    THEO
          Uh... yeah... yeah. Its OK. What
          can I help you... I mean... whats
          going ... uh, hey.
                    PETER
               (laughing)
          You sure? Did I wake you or
          something?
                    THEO
          No, no, just working. In a zone I
          guess. So....
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
99
          PETER
Well, I know that Lexi and Lisa
were finalizing some of her wedding
needs today, big day is a week
out. I just didnt know if you had
anyone helping you with your... I
mean... I know your father isn't
due into town for a bit, and I
wondered if you needed a guy to...
well...
          THEO
     (laughing as well)
Did I wake YOU?
          PETER
Hey, I dont want to be awkward. I
just wanted to know if I can help
you in any way. You haven't asked
the production offices for anything
yet. Do you have a tux, or are you
planning a bachelor party or
anything? I dont think I could help
find a stripper bar or anything,
but if you wanted to arrange a nice
steak dinner or a nice evening of
cocktails with any of your.. uh,
any of your friends... I mean, I
know it was kind of a shock meeting
again like this, but Id like to
help. I mean, if I can. Help, that
is.
          THEO
Im not really bachelor party
material, Im thinking. I have a few
friends, a mix. I hadnt thought
about it. A nice dinner. How would
that work?
          PETER
Well, if you aren't against the
idea, I could host it with you,
pick up the tab.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
100
THEO Oh....
          PETER
Hey, if thats not cool, no
sweat. We can still arrange a
payment on the show. Just set a
budget and then you do whatever it
is youd like to do. Is there a
restaurant or nice lounge? We'd
probably just like to film a few
establishing shots, not go off the
rails or anything. But we have an
image we want to still project. No
offense, not sure what you are
into.
          THEO
I beg your pardon?
          PETER
     (embarassed)
OH! No, I mean, I didnt know if you
had friends that got too rowdy or
out of control. I trust that you
can keep it dignified. You're
pretty well grounded. I mean, if I
remember correctly.
          THEO
Bascially boring. Still. Yeah. But
hey, a dinner would be nice. My
friends CAN get a bit out of
control, but I dont think its a
"Jersey Shore" type of
craziness. More like, an episode
of... I dont know... HGTV Design
Challenge?
          PETER
     (laughing)
I got you. Hey... what are you
doing tonight?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
101
                    THEO
          Just working.
                    PETER
          Oh, yeah. Your "zone."
THEO Why?
                    PETER
          Would you care to go to dinner
          tonight? Maybe just catch up a
          bit? Lisa said she was going to
          dinner with her Dad and her...
          well, Lisa. Just if you
          wanted. Lobster mac and cheese was
          really good last time.
Theo seems to contemplate something, not quite sure what.
                    THEO
          Well, sure. That would be
          nice. Yeah. But how about I just
          meet you at the lounge at the Shore
          Club?
                    PETER
          Yeah. Im staying at the Marriott by
          the river. Its nice, but Im not
          sure about the lounge. Or the
          restaurant to be honest.
THEO
          They're nice enough. But what were
          you in the mood for? (stammers) I
          mean, what kind of food? Were you
          hungry?
                    PETER
          I can always eat. Its a coastal
          town, what about seafood?
                    THEO
          There's a great California-Mex
          north on Market. "Way Out." Dont
          ask me to explain the name.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
102
                    PETER
          If you recommend it, Im find with
          trying it. What time? Say 45
          minutes? Am I picking you up?
                    THEO
          Nah, not necessary. I can meet you
          there. Im sure the concierge can
          give you directions. Does your
          rental have GPS? Its just about 9
          miles straight up Market.
                    PETER
          I can find it. Im a good
          navigator. See you there.
THEO Great.
Theo hangs up. He seems a bit lost in thought. His computer
screen had gone dark, and he sees his reflection.
                    THEO
               (out loud to himself)
          Oh man, am I SMILING?
EXTERIOR - SIMON'S HOUSE - LATER THAT EVENING
CUT TO
Lexi is leaving her father's and Lisa's house. Lisa is at
the door to say good bye.
                    LISA
          Thanks again, Lexi! I had such a
          great time. Really... thank you.
                    LEXI
               (a bit off guard)
          Yeah, it was really nice. I really
          do appreciate your... enthusiasm.
                    LISA
          I know its YOUR thing, but I did
          feel like I hoped it would feel if
          my mom had been able to help me
          when I married your dad.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
103
                    LEXI
          Really. I do mean it. It was nice
          actually just spending time with
          you. Im sorry that Im usually not
          much of a "friend" type person. Its
          just weird you know, I didnt really
          know you before you and Dad... I
          mean, I guess I always felt like I
          had to be loyal to my Mom in some
          way.
Lisa is smiling, a bit melancholy.
                    LISA
          I think thats perfectly natural. I
          know that she was a great lady. It
          took ALL of your father's friends a
          while to accept me. (she forces a
          smile, making herself
          cheerier) But! I'm glad I could be
          of some help!
                    LEXI
          Oh, you're great at this! A real
          planner! It was fun. Tell Dad
          thanks again.
They both stand looking at each other for just a moment, til
Lisa shrugs and leans in to give Lexi a hug. Lexi
reiprocates and has a slight smile on her face. She breaks
from the embrace and then playfully punches Lisa in the arm.
                    LEXI
          Later 'gator.
Lisa laughs, Lexi turns to leave, and heads toward her car.
                                                      CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXI'S CAR - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Lexi is driving home, voice commands her phone.
                    LEXI
          Call THEO. Mobile.
The phone lights up as it dials. It is on speaker. It rings
                                                  (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 104
several times and goes to voice mail.
                    PHONE
          "Hi, This is Theo St
          Andrews. Please leave..."
Lexi disengages the phone. She voice commands again.
                    LEXI
          Text THEO.
                    PHONE
          "What do you want to say to THEO?"
                    LEXI
          What the heck? Its me. Its only
          10:30. Call me back.
Lexi pauses.
                    PHONE
          Shall I send the text?
LEXI Yes.
                    PHONE
          You got it.
Lexi turns on the radio as she continues the drive home.
                                                      CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - TEN MINUTES LATER
Lexi is entering her front door, she turns on the light. She
drops her bag, takes off her shoes. She walks into the small
kitchen area, we see a light from the fridge as the door
opens. She re-enters with a soda. She flops down on the
couch, grabbing the TV remote, turning on the television. As
the screen lights the room, she mutes the sound. She picks
up her phone again, typing out a text.
"Call me in the morning. Nerd. I cant believe youre in bed
already."
She sends the text and we hear a small sound indicating it
sent. She takes a drink of the soda and turns the sound up
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
on the televison.
INTERIOR - HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
105
We see Theo's phone light up with the text. We notice there
are two men kissing in the back ground. Its Theo and
Peter. Theo does not check his phone. The phone goes dark
after a moment.
                                                      CUT TO
INTERIOR - SHORE CLUB - CONVENTIONS SPACE - A FEW DAYS LATER
Theo is standing with Margot, Felix, and Oscar in the
convention center. Lexi and Lisa are on another side of the
banquet room, talking with Peter and a few of the production
team, as well as various professionals with the Shore Club
and the production team. Many are running around with
seating charts, diagrams of where filming will be set up,
layout of the wedding.
Lexi is wearing dark sunglasses and remains mostly quiet as
Lisa directs and deals with a lot of the details with the
various personnel. Lisa turns and checks in several times to
get Lexi's opinion, Lexi nods.
Theo, Margot, Felix, and Oscar are watching the craziness
and staying a bit out of the way.
                    MARGOT
          You... have... GOT... to be
          joking. That is the famous Peter
          from TED?
THEO Yep.
                    FELIX
          He is kind of "daddy."
                    OSCAR
          YES he is.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
106
                    FELIX
          In a good way.
                    OSCAR
          VERY good way. He is smart too?
                    THEO
          Very smart.
                    MARGOT
          Not too smart to sex up the
          Groom. I mean if we are going to be
          honest...
                    THEO
          We didnt "sex" we just made out.
                    MARGOT
               (dubious)
Uh-huh.
                    FELIX
          Like rabbits!
                    THEO
          It was very... innocent really. I
          mean, we already had a history...
                    OSCAR
          Does he think you are "Bi?"
          Confused? On the down-low?
                    THEO
          I dont know. We both kind of blamed
          it on the Tequila.
                    MARGOT
          Alcohol is the devil.
                    THEO
          Certainly a demon.
                    MARGOT
          What did Lexi have to say about it.
Theo gets quiet, doesnt answer. Felix and Oscar get a
shocked look on their faces.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
107
                    OSCAR
          YOU DIDNT TELL HER!!! Oh,
          mister! NO more holding that Gay
          Days thing over my head! You are a
          daddy-whore!
THEO SHHHH!
Theo looks around. He and Peter catch each others eyes,
there is a slight hesitation before Peter looks away, but
smiles as he does so. Quickly looks back again, then
away. Theo looks back to his friends.
                    MARGOT
          Oh, you've got it bad.
                    THEO
          Funny thing is, if it were not for
          all of (gestures) THIS... Lexi
          would be pushing me into a
          relationship with him.
                    FELIX
          You think so, huh, Papi?
                    OSCAR
          Come on...
Oscar takes Felix by the arm.
                    OSCAR
          Lets go look around, see whats
what.
                    THEO
          Dont go far... you need to talk
          with Peter about music. They cant
          film with music they have to pay
          for. It has to be classical for the
          filmed portions.
                    FELIX
          Classical? Like 60's and 70's?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
108
                    OSCAR
          No, thats "Classic Rock." He means
          all music, no words, but old stuff.
                    FELIX
          No words? So probably no dance beat
          either?
The two walk away, leaving Theo and Margot.
                    MARGOT
          You think she would freak out if
she knew?
                    THEO
          Nah. Not really. She is kinda ALL
          consumed with how crazy this has
          gotten, but I think she is treating
          it like some kind of cosutme
          party.
                    MARGOT
          Does Peter know its basically a
          costume party? Would HE freak out?
                    THEO
          No. It didnt come up. But even
          that, I think he would get a kick
          out it, the spectacle of it. It
          isnt like we are on "the Bachelor"
          and its weeks and weeks of a
          deception. If anyone watches it,
          there wont be anybody...
          invested... in Lexi and me. It'll
          disappear. Its basically filler for
          some cable channel.
                    MARGOT
               (looks around)
          This is a LOT of money and effort
          for filler.
Lisa and Lexi continue to walk from one side of the banquet
room to the other. Lexi catches Theo's eyes and mouths the
words. "I need a drink." miming drinking a cocktail. Theo
shakes his head and wags his finger "no."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 109
Theos cell phone beeps a few times. He looks at the screen,
gets a wide eyed expression on his face.
THEO Uh-oh.
                    MARGOT
          Another long lost boyfriend
          inviting you for coffee later?
                    THEO
          Its about to get REALLY nuts.
Margot takes the phone and looks at the message. She looks
back to Theo and laughs.
                    MARGOT
          HA! Your parents! We finally get to
          see YOUR kin-folk! They are going
          to be fun to watch.
                    THEO
          You dont know the half of it. I
          havent told them yet. They just
          think Im being filmed for a work
          thing.
                    MARGOT
          A "work thing?" (laughs again) Can
          I watch you explain the whole
          thing? PLEASE? I dont get much
          entertainment.
                    THEO
          I may need back up.

(TO BE CONTINUED)