OK, this is a story I started writing back in 1998, before I had ever watched an episode of "Will and Grace." At first, it was a short story. Then I thought I could make it into a novel. THEN, about 4 years ago, I started to revisit it as a screenplay. A lot of "social constructs" have changed and I am adapting the basic story to reflect that. BUT I hope you may enjoy it in its current form. Let me know what you think.
FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE
by Brian Todd Barnette
©Brian Todd Barnette
EXT. DAY, SUBURBAN MALL PARKING LOT
Cars are coming and going, people are walking into and out
of the doors of mall entrance.
INT. DAY, INSIDE SAME MALL INSIDE DEPARTMENT STORE, CONT.
Normal hustle and bustle of any department store in any
mall. Shoppers milling about, clerks at register, bells from
PA system and soft music behind all the din. This particular
department store seems to be upscale, like a Macy's.
INT. DAY, INSIDE SAME STORE, HOUSEHOLD GOODS DEPT CONT.
In the housewares department of an upscale store, there are
displays of China place settings, flatware. We see a young
man and a young woman walking around the displays. They are
early thirties in age, dressed casually but with style. They
slowly browse through the displays of the finer home goods,
reading from a list and searching through the offerings. The
young man points out an item and the young woman researches
the list then looks at the prices, her eyes get big.
LEXI
Are you kidding me? One hundred
thirty dollars for a gravy boat? I
wouldn't pay that much if it was
made out of the skull of an ex
boyfriend.
THEO
Really? Are you falling asleep
again between episodes of "Martha
Stewart" and "CSI"? What do you
expect? Its a wedding registry.
LEXI
A gravy boat? She ain't someones
grandmother. You know she doesn't
WANT a gravy boat. You're gay AND
French, would YOU use a gravy boat?
THEO
Im Swiss, thanks again for
remembering. Jeez, ten years
later...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
2
LEXI
This is still a scam.
THEO
(mocking)
A scam? A ruse? A "swindle" if you
please. What kind of scam?
Lexi, the young woman, rolls her eyes. She gestures around
them to all of the expensive house wares.
LEXI
This is all so "Edith
Wharton." She's marrying some
cardiologist or something. You know
he'd already have a Keurig if he
wants one. This is just an excuse
for her to ask for friends to spend
a bunch of money on a list of items
you know she will return for the
cash!
THEO
First, GREAT literary reference, Im
proud of you.
LEXI
Thanks. They mentioned her on an
old episode of FRIENDS. She is a
"her," right? Not like Maria
Wilkie?
THEO
Rainer Maria Wilke.... Secondly,
he's an anesthesiologist, not a
cardiologist. and YOU are a cynic!
LEXI
(confused)
Analsthesiologist? Like a doctor
for your butt? (shakes her
head) Don't be naive. You know what
I mean. You cant ask for cash. You
ask for things and most of them you
already have, so you return it for
cash. That's what Id do. Not try
and have some "three ring zoo."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
3
THEO
Circus.
LEXI What?
Theo grunts.
LEXI What?
THEO
Circus. Its a three ring
circus. Not a three ring zoo.
LEXI
Whatever.
THEO
Well, I don't want to be cynical,
much less cheap. I'm still pissed
she assumed that we'd be each
others date. What if you had a
boyfriend? Or if I had one?
LEXI
(sweetly with a little pity)
Oh, honey. Really. BOTH of us with
a boyfriend at the same time? I
love your optimism. Don't change.
THEO
It's possible. C'mon. Let's go back
to Williams Sonoma. We'll get her
the rooster pitcher, the pepper
mill, and some nice wooden
spoons. Classic gifts. Some
variety.
LEXI
You.....are......so.....gay.
Theo gives her a stern look.
LEXI
Swiss?
Theo grunts.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
4
LEXI
OK, but can we get it at Target? I
swear I'm good for a few bucks, but
lets not go INSANE.
THEO
Insane?
LEXI Insane.
THEO
What do you want to spend? Fifty
bucks?
LEXI
(mocking an auctioneer)
Do I hear thirty?
THEO
Are you STILL having money
issues? I thought you went to an
actual financial counselor. Or did
you randomly meet one at some
bar? I forget.
LEXI
Ugh. You don't even want to know. I
won't even let my father and Lisa
know how bad it is.
THEO
Why not? I am sure your folks would
help you out.
LEXI
Lisa is not my "folk." And that's
all I need is something for her to
use against me. Im not going to
just HAND her an advantage.
THEO
Grow up. She and your dad have been
married for, what, a hundred years
now?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
5
LEXI
Five.
Theo fakes adding on his fingers.
THEO
Five? And she's only seven years
older than you so (mimes adding
numbers) carry the one...
LEXI
You disgust me.
THEO
You're evil.
LEXI
You make me taste vomit.
THEO
(fake flirting)
Are you purging? You know, you DO
look a little thinner.
LEXI
I can't stay mad at you.
Lexi opens arms as if to hug him, then when Theo opens his
as well, she changes her hands to makes a dismissive
gesture.
THEO
Well, I said I'd pay for it, even
though she's technically more YOUR
friend. I've only hung out with her
when she was with you.
LEXI
We have BOTH known her since
COLLEGE. Besides you've been to
plenty of her parties. Remember
Halloween s few years ago?
THEO
Well, yah, but she wasn't happy
with either one of us then.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
6
LEXI
(laughing)
HA! That's right! The "Mouse-ka-
queers!" HAHA. "Butch and Sissy."
THEO
You got more laughs as "Butch" than
I did as "Sissy"
LEXI
Because MINE was (air quotes)
IRONIC.
THEO
Whatever. So exactly HOW much in
debt are you right now?
LEXI
Let's not ruin the experience of
spending money on an extravagant
gift by making me think about
finances.
THEO
How much? Ten? Fifteen? I know your
piece of crap car must be paid off.
Lexi looks at Theo and mouths the word "twenty."
THEO
Oh baby, Trump change. But that's
not impossible to get out of.
LEXI
For YOU maybe. You always were
better with numbers and work and
adulthood.
THEO
Whats your plan then?
LEXI
Too late to invent Twitter I
guess. Or get a usable degree. Do
you need any part time help?
Theo looks up, then nudges Lexi.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
7
THEO
UH-OH.
UH-OH.
Theo motions his head in the direction of another young
woman coming down the isle. She is roughly same age, dressed
impeccably and carrying a very expensive handbag in the
crook of an arm, holding a giant, iced coffee beverage in
one hand, cellphone in the other. She is wearing sunglasses
on her head.
LEXI
H o l y merde. Speak of the
Kardashian. Is she actually
BOUNCING?
THEO (WHISPERING)
Quick! (thrusting the list at
Lexi) Hide it. Make her sweat it
out.
Lexi stuffs the list into the back of Theo's pants. Theo
grabs the gravy boat and holds it close to his chest,
pretending to hide it in surprise.
LEXI
Shauna! (sweetly) HEY lady!
Shauna stops in front of the duo. She seems simple and
sweet, with a large smile. She is bobbing up and down a bit
and Lexi imitates her slightly, almost matching her energy.
SHAUNA
(overly sweet sing-song voice)
Well, HEY you two. Aren't you a
sight?!
Lexi stops bouncing and gets a slightly annoyed look on her
face.
LEXI
Wow, don't you look....
Theo elbows Lexi
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
8
LEXI
...so chic.
SHAUNA
You are SO sweeeet. What are you
two up to? (smiles coyly at the
gravy boat) Dare I ask?
LEXI
Oh YOU! (mock disappointment) You
caught us.
SHAUNA
Don't be silly, (laughs) its
sweet! Oh, but don't buy THAT for
us! PLEASE! (motions to the gravy
boat) My mother put that on the
registry! Who uses a gravy boat??
Shauna holds her hand to her chest, turns to Theo, punching
him in the arm, nodding her head, wide-eyed.
LEXI
HA! DIDN'T I SAY THAT??
Theo sets the gravy boat back on the display, rubbing his
arm.
THEO
I believe in a more personal gift
anyway.
LEXI
Like a gift certificate... or
something.
SHAUNA
Oh, I just hope to have lots of
friends there! I'm so blessed
already.
LEXI THEO
looking at each other (together, a
little too sweetly)
Awwww.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
9
SHAUNA
Seriously, its crazy. Mark has
EVERYTHING we need. I am amazed at
how many family members have
already just sent money! Its almost
like the etiquette rules don't even
apply! Maybe they think it will
help pay for the wedding or the
honeymoon.
LEXI
(interest piqued)
How much money?
THEO
LEXI! (rolls his eyes at Shauna)
SHAUNA
It's ok. Its not a lot, only about
twenty five thousand.
LEXI
(shocked)
AMERICAN?
THEO
I hope the checks are in nice
envelopes at least.
SHAUNA
(giggles)
No, my parents just set up a
"wedding" account. Its mostly from
family. I think its sweet.
LEXI THEO (TOGETHER)
Sweet.
LEXI
Maybe you could just get some work
done.
You're HORRIBLE! (laughing)
SHAUNA
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
10
LEXI
(recovering)
I mean on the house... or the
shop... or car... or something.
SHAUNA
Well, it makes it nice to think
about planning a vacation or
something. But you can't really
change the world with twenty five
thousand dollars. Oh listen to me
(feigning slight
embarrassment) talking about
money. How tacky.
LEXI
(absentmindedly)
Yeah...tacky. (more directly) So,
they just send you money?
THEO
Well, it should be a great
wedding! Such a beautiful
location! I love the Gardens.
SHAUNA
Me too! You know, Mark's family are
trustees. They are really rolling
out the red carpet.
LEXI
So.... is there, like, a minimum
buy in for a wedding gift?
Shauna turns to Lexi, still smiling and ignoring her
questions.
SHAUNA
You know..... I have a cousin that
I'd love to introduce to you! He's
a bit younger, but he may be just
your type. He's a...(searches for
right word) free spirit too!
Lexi smirks.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
11
THEO
Got a cousin for me? Younger is
cool.
SHAUNA
You are so cute! But really, I am
surprised YOU TWO just don't get
married! haha.
Lexi stops, as if stunned. Looks at Theo who is grimacing.
THEO
Sure, all we need is Jack and Karen
with some high jinks.
LEXI
Oh.... my... God. (flatly) It's
almost crazy talk.
THEO
I've been punished enough.
SHAUNA
Well, really, just BE there! I have
to run. One more week and then I'm
(singing) Sadie, Sadie, married
lady...
Shauna waves with her fingers, giggles, and then heads
off. Lexi is staring at Theo, almost scrutinizing him. He
catches her.
THEO
What? You almost insulted her.
LEXI
I still may just buy her a toilet
plunger as a gift.
THEO
Charming. Whats wrong. You look....
constipated or something.
LEXI
Im just thinking.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
12
THEO
Yikes. Lets go grab some nosh,
maybe it'll pass.
LEXI
Hmmmm....
CUT TO
INTERIOR - RESTAURANT AT MALL - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Lexi and Theo are being seated at a small table, the hostess
leaves them with two menus and walks off.
LEXI
Listen, why did you make that face
when she said we should get
married? You'd be LUCKY to have me!
THEO
I'd be lucky to find someone with
shoulders like yours at least.
(rubs his arm again) Or could throw
a punch like you. Whaddaya mean
'why did I make a face?' You're
a..... you have "lady parts." And
you're a Libra. It'd never work.
Lexi still has a glazed look in her eye and she half smiles.
LEXI
I've got an idea....
THEO
(imitates Desi Arnez)
LUCY! You've better not be thunking
what I think you're
thunking. (normal voice) Wait, what
are you thunking?
LEXI
Let me see that list again.
Theo checks his pockets, cant seem to find it,
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
13
THEO
Oh, yeah...
Theo reaches around and pulls the list from the back of his
pants, presses it to his chest, smoothing it out. Hands it
to Lexi. She takes the list and looks over it a
moment. Looks up.
LEXI
I want a wedding!
THEO
Ooooooo...k. Good luck with that
whole "white dress" thing. Who's
the lucky lad?
A waiter appears and sets down a bread basket with a side of
olive oil.
WAITER
Hello, welcome. May I tell you
about our specials today? (doesn't
wait for reply) Our fish is a maple
glazed salmon served with oven
roasted zucchini and garlic
polenta , our soup is a creamy
potato with spinach, and todays
appetizer is fried sweet corn
nuggets served with local honey for
dipping.
LEXI
Sure.
WAITER
Ma'am?
LEXI
Sure, you can tell us the specials.
WAITER
Um... thats it.
THEO
Ignore her. (to Lexi) Wanna just
share the salmon?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
14
LEXI
Well, let me look over the...
THEO
Im buying.
LEXI
(to the waiter)
Go ahead and bring the corn nuggets
too then, thank you.
WAITER
And what do you care to
drink? Something from the bar?
Theo cuts Lexi off.
THEO
Iced tea please. For both of us.
Mine with a lime.
WAITER
Thank you.
Waiter takes the menus and leaves
Lexi waits just a moment then dives into the bread basket.
THEO
OK, help me understand this. You
are looking for an "insta-husband?"
LEXI
Not a husband silly, a wedding.
Theo makes a gesture of confusion.
LEXI
Think about it, you and me tell our
family we are getting married. Your
family is loaded, they'd be HAPPY
to throw a bunch of change at
you! My dad would rob a bank to
marry me off!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
15
THEO
US? You're kidding right? My family
knows I'm NOT "the marrying type."
They know all about my fantasy
husband.
LEXI
Bullshit! They'd fall into a coma
just to think you would actually
just get married already,
regardless of your fondness for
photographs of European Rugby
players .
THEO
Those books are ART! Besides, your
friends would never buy it. They
refer to me as your "girlfriend."
LEXI
(playfully dismissive)
Ha! ALL in fun! Still, think of it
like a party.
THE0
What about your family? You think
they'd actually believe it? Even
your dad?
LEXI
I don't think he'd care if I
married a prison pen-pal if he just
thought I could officially be
"MRS." Somebody. And he has asked
how "close" we are on more than a
few occasions.
THEO
You're nuts. Why are we even
discussing this?
LEXI
COME ON! Don't be selfish! When do
I ever ask you for ANYTHING? Plus
it would finally fix your
"immigration" issue.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
16
THEO
Um, my father is Swiss national,
mother is American and I was born
at Cedar's. I dont have an
immigration issue. You really pay
no attention to the details of the
lives of others, do you? What the
hell would I get out of it? Besides
unnecessary "Americanization?"
LEXI
Didn't you want to refinance your
home loan? Or business loan? Or car
insurance? Something. Anyway, you
can keep whatever your family
gives, or donate it to Boys Without
Shirts or some such thing....
THEO
I don't even know whether to
continue this... are you serious?
LEXI
Think about it, it's no big
deal. Like when Marissa married
Eddie for citizenship.
THEO
Well, thats KIND of a felony.
LEXI
But "companionship" is a legitimate
reason to get married. Even the
Catholic church says so.
THE0
Oh so now you're Catholic?
LEXI
You're missing the point. We aren't
throwing an actual "wedding," we'd
just be getting married and raking
in the gifts! Justice o'the peace
or something. Let it ride a year
and then "oops" we realize that it
"...isn't working
out." Done. Nobody gets hurt.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
17
THE0
And you'd have no problem
misleading your entire family?
LEXI
WHAT MISLEAD? We're friends, we
love each other. Why not get gifts
for that? Our relationship has
outlasted PLENTY of marriages.
THEO
So you really are serious?
LEXI
I think its PERFECT! Are you
worried about YOUR family?
THE0
I don't think they'd be all that
interested in giving a bunch of
money....
LEXI
But they're probably good for some
housewares.
THE0
So now YOU need a rooster pitcher
or a toilet plunger?
LEXI
Do you think its too much to just
go ahead and register at Wells
Fargo? Or is Citi-bank more "chic?"
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - AN HOUR OR SO LATER
CUT TO
Lexi is adding up a list in her head and speaking out loud
while Theo is driving.
LEXI
So, all together, thats about
thirty two members of my family...
potential gift givers. Even at just
$50 a pop... thats what....
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
18
THEO
Thats just $1600 sweetie...
LEXI
Ugh... thats it??? I hate math.
THEO
Thats not math's problem baby. But
it IS a numbers game. Look, you
need twenty K right?
LEXI
Itd be nice.
THEO
Then one hundred gifts at two
hundred each. You better have some
very happy family members who
really want to give you away.
LEXI
Is two hundred bucks a lot of
money? I mean NORMALLY?
THEO
Or you could find twice as many who
are only half as happy. And
remember, you may end up just
getting some gifts from Target....
you know... for those who dont go
"insane."
LEXI
Whatever. Even if its only half of
what I need, its something. But I
think we could spin this thing.
THEO
Why am I even discussing this? NO.
LEXI
I went as your date to that thing,
that one time, because YOU needed a
cover.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
19
THEO
What "thing?"
LEXI
That thing, you know, that business
convention or whatever. You
remember, I ended up making out
with that distributor you were
trying to impress?
THEO
(sarcastically)
Yeah, great cover. Anyway, you
BEGGED me to bring you because it
was a weekend in Vegas. I didn't
need a cover.
LEXI
Well, still, When he asked, I said
nice things about you. Im sure it
helped SOMEHOW.
THEO
Well, they did end up having me
design their logo.
LEXI
See?! C'mon. Its your turn.
THEO
I think you're crazy.
LEXI
Being married opens doors for you
too ya know. Its not like Im asking
for a baby.
THEO
I think you just have dollar signs
in front of your eyes because of
what Shauna said. First you hated
the idea of a scam, now you're
creating some kind of Wile E Coyote
diabolical plan for a wedding haul.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
20
LEXI
Dont be dramatic. If worst comes to
shove you could just think of it
like the housewarming you never
had. You'll get a few nice things
too!
THEO
Push.
LEXI What?
THEO
If "push" comes to shove. Not
"worst."
LEXI
Whatever....
THEO
Just stop talking about it for
now? Cool? Let me think?
Lexi, sits back and lets out a breath.
LEXI
Whew. I am scheming my ass
off. This whole wedding planning is
exhausting!
THEO
Uh.... yeah.
CUT TO
EXTERIOR - SIDE STREET - VIEW OF THEO'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Theo's car drives on.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - NEXT DAY - MORNING
DISSOLVE
Theo is drinking coffee and working on the computer. He is
designing a graphic logo for a company, and listening to a
morning news station reporter. The reporter is doing a story
on marriage.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
21
REPORTER
With the growing instances of
marriage equality, we wanted to
find out what the advantages were
for two active wage earners to
actually combine their resources
and what steps folks should take
when trying the knot.
Theo stops and turns to the television.
REPORTER
...for example, the tax benefits
for those earning above a certain
mean income alone make the idea of
marriage financially
advantageous. Not to mention the
savings on car, home and health
insurance premiums. Did you know
that married professionals are also
better credit risks? That can equal
thousands of dollars a year in
interest on everything from your
auto and home loans to business
loans, combined with better tax
advantages on investment income. It
seems that LOVE is not the only
reason to consider getting
hitched! Live from the court house,
this is...
Theo turns off the television. He stands still for a moment,
then goes to his desk, pulls out a file we see labeled as
"TAX RETURNS" and he opens it, reading quickly through
several pages. He closes the file, returns it to the
drawer. He looks on the book shelf next to his desk, there
are several small framed photos of various people but he
concentrates on a collage frame with the word "FRIENDS for
LIFE" on it. There are a few varying photos of Theo and Lexi
together; on vacation, at the beach, dressed up at a party,
riding horses. Theo thinks for a moment then grabs his cell
phone and dials Lexi. She answers.
LEXI
(over the phone)
You rang?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
22
THEO
So I was thinking..
LEXI
So.........
THEO
Lets do it.
ALTERNATING SHOTS BETWEEN LEXI AND THEO
INTERIOR - CROWDED CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL CENTER - LEXI'S
SMALL CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
LEXI
(excitedly)
Really? You'll make an honest woman
out of me?!
THEO
I'll go one better. I'll make a
DISHONEST woman out of you. One
condition.
LEXI
You name it.
THEO
I want a loan to expand the
business. You keep everything from
your family, I'll hit my family up
too. Whats yours is yours, and
whats mine is mine.
LEXI
Pre-nup?
THEO
Sure... actually that's a great
idea. This can't impact our
friendship. No drama. No games. Its
strictly business.
LEXI
Like the Bible intended marriage to
be! Done.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
23
THEO
OK, call me later. Come over after
work and we can sort this out.
LEXI
Id like a late spring wedding.
THEO
No gimmicks. Courthouse, two
witnesses, no consummation.
LEXI
OK. When can I register?
THEO
Lets deal with your dad first. He's
the only one I worry about pissing
off.
LEXI
He'll be thrilled. No worries.
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING
CUT TO
Lexi is with her father and his wife, Lisa, around a nice
table.
MR. SIMONS
You're WHAT???
Lexi is trying to maintain an upbeat attitude.
LEXI
Getting married! I thought you'd be
thrilled?
MR. SIMONS
Thrilled? I WOULD be thrilled,
but ... isn't Theo... I mean..
after all this time I thought he
might be .... gay? Right?
LEXI
Well, yeah, he's also European, so
it confuses a lot of folks.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
24
LISA
What do you mean confuses them? So
he's homosexual AND European then?
LEXI
European and METROsexual.
LISA
Is that still a thing?
MR. SIMONS
Im confused. Are you getting
married because... wait... why? Why
are you getting married?
LEXI
(Deadpan)
Hey, Im as shocked as YOU are that
I'm not married already. (more
animated) But Theo and I, we do
love each other. We've been MORE
than best friends forever. Its kind
of like ... the next step.
MR. SIMONS
the next step for FRIENDS?
LEXI
MORE than friends...
LISA
He's a very sweet boy.
Lexi looks at Lisa, blank stare.
LEXI
(dryly)
Boy? He's practically YOUR age.
LISA
I just mean, I think its great.
Honey (to Mr. Simons) I think its
great! You've said before you
thought they should "go ahead and
get married." Well, now they are.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
25
MR. SIMONS
Well, I didn't really think... I
mean I thought he was... wait...
I'm still confused. Who asked who?
LEXI
DAD! Sheesh! Besides, this isnt
the fifties or something?
MR. SIMONS
So... what? Its the 70's?
Lexi laughs, despite herself. Attempts to give her dad a
high-five.
LEXI
HA! I got that.
Mr. Simons does not return the effort for a high-five,
leaving Lexi's hand in the air. He maintains a quizzical
expression. He looks to his wife. Lexi drops her hand.
LISA
I think its .... great, Lexi. I
want to help. Are you going to
plan a wedding?
LEXI
Not really a... wedding,
MR. SIMONS
(under his breath)
"not really" a wedding.
Lisa looks a little disappointed, Lexi notices. She looks
slightly confused but tries to keep the excitement.
LEXI
...but maybe a nice reception. I
don't want to spend a lot of
money...
MY money?
MR. SIMONS
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
26
LEXI
ANY-body's money... on a fancy
"wedding," but to have family get
together for a reception... you
know, gifts, and cake...
celebrating, music... and, um...
you know.. presents and stuff. I
mean, give everyone a chance to
really meet Theo.
Lexi checks her dad for some type of reaction. Decides to
play a card.
LEXI
You never know, we MAY actually
decide to have a kid.
Mr. Simons seems to perk up a bit.
MR. SIMONS
What does HIS family think of this?
LEXI
Oh, I don't know yet, but Im sure
they will be... um... thrilled.
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING
Knock on the door, and Theo walks in, he has his own
key. Lexi comes in from her back bedroom.
THEO
Now that the coast is
clear... How'd it go?
LEXI
Oh..my... stop it. They LITERALLY
left, like, days ago. Where've you
been?
Theo looks at her as he walks past, raises his eyebrows.
THEO
"Literally?" I shall never
understand your failure to grasp
what that word actually implies.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
27
LEXI
Do you mean "literally" implies?
Theo walks to the kitchen, looks at a large assortment of
canned and bottled beverages, diet sodas, lite beer, skim
milk, surrounded by to go containers from restaurants.
THEO
Do you never buy any bottled water?
LEXI
No, I'm on a diet, but I've got
plenty of diet soda...
THEO
(shakes his head)
mmmmmkay....
He returns to the common room, sits down across from Lexi,
who is busy texting someone.
THEO
Who are you texting now?
LEXI
April. I am going to need some help
planning this...
Theo leaps out of his seat, grabs the phone, deleting the
texts....
THEO
NO! I told you, baby steps. First
things first...
LEXI
You are literally giving me gout...
Theo holds up his hand to silence her.
THEO
One challenge at a time, please.
LEXI
What about your family? When are
you going to tell them? When are we
going to do this?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
28
THEO
I've been thinking, I don't want to
fool my family into traveling
thousands of miles for a sham...
LEXI
We're GOING to have a party TOO...
it'll be fun.
THEO
Let's debate what "fun" is later,
but still, I will fill them in
afterward. I am too old to expect
them to raise a huge fanfare...
LEXI
"Fanfare?" That does make you SOUND
kinda old.
THEO
(continued)
STILL.... this is mainly for your
benefit, I won't add the expense of
an international flight and a week
of a charade (he pronounces it sha-
ROD) to their confusion.
LEXI
(mocking)
oohhh... "sha-ROD." Is that one of
you "Swish" words?
THEO
I am SWISS.
LEXI
I know what I said.
THEO
C'mon, lets really talk about what
we're doing. Can you make a list?
Lexi stretches a bit and grabs a magazine, takes out perfume
sample, rubs it on her wrist, makes a face, then pulls out a
subscription insert and mimes grabbing a pen, she tests it
on the back of her hand, then looks at Theo. He looks
dumbfounded.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
29
THEO
Mon Dieu.
LEXI
(still mocking)
What shall we list, my dear sir?
THEO
Knock it off...
He pulls a pad out of his messenger bag, along with a nice
ball-point pen, he removes the cap. Lexi just watches then
makes a sarcastic face.
LEXI
Whoop! Whoop! Nerd-alert, nerd-
alert!
Theo sits back down.
THEO
OK, so firstly, lets decide on when
this is to happen.
LEXI
How soon is too soon?
THEO
Relax, your bills can wait a bit
longer. I'd say we need two months
to adequately alert your relatives,
explain to our friends that this is
not an actual joke, and allow them
all time to react and plan
accordingly.
LEXI
Lisa wants to help plan it all.
THEO
What? Why?
LEXI
Dunno. I think she missed out on
her own, kind of like living
voraciously.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
30
THEO
Vicariously.
LEXI
Huh?
THEO
The phrase is "living vicariously."
Voraciously just means she's really
hungry.
LEXI
Well... she's "really" hungry to
try and live out her fantasy
wedding.
THEO
I dont remember. WHY didn't she and
your dad have a wedding?
LEXI
She took care of elderly parents or
something, in Chicago. Kind of a
nurse maid for them for a lot of
years. So, when she met my dad,
there wasn't really any of her own
family, and Dad already had a big
wedding with my mom evidently. Just
kinda wasn't in the cards.
Theo looks a little impressed.
THEO
Wow. That's rather sad. I didn't
know you knew that much about her.
LEXI
Yeah, for real. She doesn't talk
about it much. I read her journal.
Theo looks mildly shocked.
THEO
Why am I not surprised?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
31
LEXI
Hey, she was GOING to have it
published as a memoir.
THEO
Really?
LEXI
Nah. I was snooping. HEY, back to
MY party...
THEO
So, no wedding event, we go to the
courthouse, just a reception, that
way nobody notices there's not a
"grooms" side.
LEXI
Well, they might ask.
THEO
Well, it would be rude if they made
a big deal about it.
Lexi raises her eyebrows.
THEO
Oh... yeah. Well. Still. I can have
a bunch of friends show up, I mean,
if its a party.
LEXI
We gonna have a band?
THEO
I am NOT hiring some poor excuse
for an Eighties cover band.
Lexi makes a face as if pouting.
THEO
Although.... I DO have a friend
with the symphony, I can get a
quartet, he owes me a favor.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
32
LEXI
A quartet? What? Like barber-shop
guys? Pass.
THEO
I meant a quartet, as in strings...
violin, cello.. never mind, it will
be elegant.
LEXI
Got any liquor buddies that owe you
a favor? Maybe we could have an
open bar, call in a shit!
THEO
What?
LEXI
Call in a shit...
THEO
Do WHAT?
LEXI
you know... somebody "owes you a
favor."
THEO
A "chit."
LEXI
What?
THEO
Its "call in a chit." (more
seriously) Well, a bar WOULD help
your "kin folk" to forget about the
Grooms missing family. (He thinks
of something) HEY! I DO have a chit
to call in!
Lexi looks confused, then makes a face as if smelling
something awful.
LEXI
(mocking)
GROSS! How do you call in a shit?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
33
(cont'd)
(she laughs at herself.)
THEO
Cretin. Somebody DOES owe me a
favor. A craft beer distributor, Im
sure we can have some free beer!
LEXI
"Craft" beer? Like "Pink Dandelion
Summer-ale?" (she laughs at her own
attempt at sarcasm)
THEO
Beer out of an actual glass bottle
wouldn't exactly kill your family,
would it?
LEXI
(stops mocking)
... as long as its free.
THEO
Back to planning, you may at least
let Lisa and your Dad pay for
notices and reception invitations.
LEXI
Why not just email?
THEO
Ugh. OK, you need an
intervention. Lets just set the
date and then tomorrow I'm calling
in some reinforcements. If we plan
it right, maybe I can at least turn
the Groom's side into a work
opportunity, do some
networking. PROVIDED your clan can
resist turning it into an episode
of Hee-Haw.
LEXI
Hee-Haw? OK, I dont think you're
even from Norway. Your family is
from "them thar hills" and you're
faking this whole European thing.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
34
THEO
Swiss. Swiss. SWITZERLAND. Not
Norway. Not Denmark. Not Holland.
LEXI
(holds up her hands as if she
is weighing two objects)
who can tell?
Theo pulls out his tablet and begins looking through his
calendar.
THEO
So, lets plan on two months out. A
Saturday, that makes it October,
the fifteenth.
LEXI
OCTOBER? Who gets married in
October?
THEO
But its just a PARTY! Get your head
in the game. This is YOUR scheme.
LEXI
Right, right. Money, gifts, think
of the haul, gotcha. Well, its
after summer so people will have
already planned vacations, and just
before Christmas season begins on
Halloween, so maybe they will feel
flush with cash!
THEO
You think Christmas season begins
on Halloween? Oy. That explains SO
much.
NEXT MORNING- INTERIOR - LEXI'S OFFICE CUBICLE
CUT TO
Lexi is looking at wedding planning websites on her
computer, she sees photos of lots of happy brides in fancy
dresses, some with scores of flowers and bridesmaids. She
makes a face as if she finds it all ridiculous, but she
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35
keeps looking at them. Finds a simple photo of an elegant
bride in a chic but simple dress, romantic but modern,
solitary. Lexi's look softens and becomes almost wistful.
She cocks her head and seems lost in thought.
A coworker, Debra, pops up behind her, a brash, young woman,
mid twenties, wide eyed with way too much energy.
DEBRA
HEY!!! Whats THIS?? Wedding
sites???? Girrrrllll, whats going
ON? Are you getting serious with
someone? DISH!
Lexi is startled, jumps a bit in her chair, goes to try and
close the website but instead, she unmutes it and there is
now organ music (Wedding March, etc) blaring from the
computer. She fumbles trying to silence it again.
LEXI
Relax, mouth. Its nothing. Just
looking into.... potential
markets... for...
DEBRA
...for a WEDDING? Who's the fella?
LEXI
(looking around, irritated,
making sure no one else is
listening)
Will you be QUIET?! Really. We
aren't at a B-B-Q. (she enunciates
the spelling sarcastically, the
effect is lost on Debra)
DEBRA
A BARBEQUE! Great idea! A SOUTHERN
style wedding would be FUN! The
wedding party could all be
barefoot!
LEXI
(looks genuinely stunned)
What is WRONG with you?
Now a few other co-workers have become interested in the
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
conversation.
COWORKER 1
A wedding? WHO'S? Lexi's? You
CANNOT be serious.
COWORKER 2
SO FUN! Only, if you decide on a
barefoot wedding you should really
offer pedicures for your
bridesmaids...
COWORKER 1
That would be a great bachelorette
party idea! Like a spa-day!
Lexi is overcome with disbelief.
LEXI
Is EVERYONE here nuts?
COWORKER 2
Ooohhh.... wedding planning CAN be
drive you nuts! You know what YOU
need... you need a professional!
LEXI
YOU need a "professional." Get away
from me. All of you.
Lexi gets up and walks away from the group.
DEBRA
She will NEVER survive a wedding
planning with a short temper like
that.
COWORKER 2
I wonder who could have even ASKED
her?
I give it a year.
36
COWORKER 1
(shaking their head)
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo and three of his friends, two young men, flamboyant,
and a woman, stout, serious, are sitting in his small living
room, having coffee and just beginning to talk.
MARGOTYou have to be joking. The nutty
Shiksa?
Margot is around 30, no nonsense, but affable and friendly.
THEO
I know. Its crazy. But besides
being able to potentially help Lexi
out, it may give me some opening
into tackling a lot of... "social"
situations at conventions when
folks ask if youre married.
FELIX
But there is marriage equality,
papi. Why not just have a fake
husband?
THEO
It may be legal in most states, but
some of these corporate types arent
as enlightened, still. I dont think
they give a rats ass either way,
but just saying I had a wife would
be one less box they check off in
their minds. Heck, some of the men
I have met at these places would
actually take it as an invitation
to explore some "down low." But I
am not planning on marrying anyone
else anytime soon, and like I said,
it would help Lexi.
OSCAR
That chica is crazy. Alls I'm
saying.
MARGOT
So what exactly do you need, why
our help? It isnt like youre trying
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
37
CONTINUED:
38
MARGOT (cont'd)
to really fool any of YOUR
friends. Or her family, if I
recall. Didn't her dad once ask you
the difference between the People's
Choice and the Cable Ace Awards
because, and I quote, "you people
love the dress up shows."
THEO
But he was genuinely curious.
OSCAR
Are we your party planners?
FELIX
We can throw you a party!
THEO
Not really, but Lexi just needs
help being a bit more....
FELIX
(interjecting)
Stylish?
OSCAR
Refined?
MARGOT
Feminine? Believable?
Theo grimaces.
THEO
Jeez, what have I agreed to? (more
directly) Well, really, yes, yes,
and yes.
FELIX
Whats your budget? What is our fee?
Theo looks at Felix in disbelief, then raises his eyebrows.
THEO
Lets just say you owe me.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
39
OSCAR
How so.
THEO
(quiet for a moment then
slowly, looking from Felix to
Oscar)
2005. Disney World. Gay Days.
Felix and Oscar look at each other. Then back to Theo.
OSCAR
That was a long time ago, who
remembers?
THEO
I still have actual negatives. Not
just snaps from a cell phone.
Felix nudges Oscar, motions him to be quiet.
FELIX
(whispering to Oscar)
Its NOT pretty.
OSCAR
Ok papi. But you cannot keep using
that.
FELIX
So unfair. We were so young.
MARGOT
(laughing)
Felix and Oscar. The "Odd Couple."
OSCAR
Listen lady, I told you already I
dont understand that nicks name.
MARGOT
I will do what I can to help, but
she never makes it easy. I may not
be the most "lady-like" but she is
dangerously inept.
Theo half smiles, tries to be thoughtful.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
40
THEO
Well, she can be challenging. But
when she is committed to a goal...
MARGOT
...she half-asses it!
THEO
Thats a bit unfair. Like what?
MARGOT
Any kind of fashion trend. Didn't
she try to make her own self
tanning lotion once?
OSCAR
Oh yes! Mistake!
FELIX
Day-glo gal! I remember! She wasn't
even "orange!" She was ELECTRIC for
a week!
THEO
To be fair, she did get the recipe
from a magazine.
MARGOT
"Fangora?"
THEO
Be nice.
MARGOT
And that whole "anal bleaching"
fiasco!
Oscar and Felix begin to laugh hysterically, falling over
each other.
THEO
(sincerely defensive for Lexi)
Oh c'mon! That was a HOT
trend! There were LEGITIMATE
celebrity stories about it!
Oscar and Felix can barely contain themselves, incoherent
with laughter. Margot seems nonplussed.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
41
THEO
(cont)
It was! Even the ladies on "The
View" were talking about trying it!
MARGOT
Yeah. (deadpan) But not with "Crest
White Strips."
Oscar and Felix explode again with laughter. Theo shrugs.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXIS APARTMENT- NEXT DAY
Lexi is responding to a knock on her door. She opens it and
Lisa breezes in, attempting a kiss on Lexi's cheek. Lexi
absentmindedly wipes it off. Lisa seems very excited.
LISA
Come... sit down. I have some...
fun news.
Lisa goes to sit at Lexi's small kitchen table. Feels it
gently with her hand and rubs her fingers together. She
almost frowns. She pulls out a chair, inspecting the seat.
LEXI
Um... let me wipe off the table.
(She shrugs) Guess I better learn
how to clean a kitchen for my
husband! (nudges Lisa as if she is
sharing an inside joke)
LISA
(distracted)
That'd really be a nice
start... (Remembering why she
really came) Listen, dont hate
me...
Lexi stops at the kitchen sink where she was wetting a paper
towel. Turns to look at Lisa.
LEXI
(apprehensively)
Um, Im not promising.... What?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 42
Lisa is practically giddy. Lexi begins to look a little
concerned, wipes down the table.
LISA
I really wanted to help you plan a
great reception, or party, or
whatever. But you know that one of
my friends, well, the husband of my
friend Katie, his family owns the
Shore Club. I told Katie that you
were going to get married and
wasn't planning a wedding, but
Donald, her husband, said that they
really want to get some of the
wedding and local party business...
LEXI
OK....
LISA
THEY WANT TO HOST YOUR WEDDING! An
ACTUAL wedding, not just a party!!
LEXI
You must be shitting me. They want
to excuse me come again what?
LISA
Well, they want to expand their
local life-style magazine "Shore
Life" and do a feature, they can
use in promoting services and
destination something or other, I
didnt get all the details...
LEXI
Sure. Details... unimportant...
LISA
In any event, he said they have an
actual budget to throw a REAL
wedding! It would have to be
limited...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
43
LISA
Sure, no circus, check...
LISA
But, I mean, come on.... isn't that
great? You can have an actual
wedding and it will be fantastic
and FREE!
Lisa seems a bit irritated at first, but she seems to have a
sudden idea, and gets a bit more interested.
LEXI
Let me get this straight, Dad won't
have to actually pay for anything
for this? What does he say?
LISA
Honey, I know he'd want to do what
he could to help and support
whatever you'd like, but, and can
you keep a secret?
LEXI
If I have to.
LISA
He wanted to take the money it
would have cost and just give it as
a gift. He knows it could help out
in some of your other.... pay
your... he just thought it would be
nice to give you a gift.
Lisa makes a very discreet, although noticeable, hand pump.
Regains some composure.
LEXI
So who is this dude, exactly? When
can we talk to him?
LISA
Well, we are supposed to call the
Conventions Manager, his name is
Mark, or Matt, something... but he
said he had to present a full idea
to his team but would like to talk
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
44
LISA (cont'd)
with you as soon as possible...
LEXI
Today?
Lisa looks pleasantly surprised.
LISA
Wow. I thought I would have to
really convince you. I will call
him, I have his card here
somewhere. I wanted to help you
plan something nice, but this is a
really great surprise.
LEXI
Oh, I think its just one of a few
surprises about this whole thing.
LISA
Do you think Theo will be OK with
something like this? He seems like
he is the type that likes... um...
festivities.
LEXI
HA! He might need the Pony and
dance show.
LISA
The what?
LEXI
Pony and dance show. You know, a
showy presentation.
LISA
OH, you mean "song and dance."
LEXI
Horses cant sing. I think you're
confused. But still, I can ease him
into it.
LISA
What is your schedule like today
then?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
45
LEXI
Im open, I have a report to file,
but its just month-end stuff.
LISA
But its the 15th.
LEXI
LAST month, chill. Jeez, you and my
boss.
Lisa half smiles, mildly hiding confusion and concern.
LISA
OK, let me find his card.
Lisa is rifling through her wallet. She is pulling out a lot
of "rewards" cards. Lexi is reading them.
LEXI
Quiznos, Blimpies, Subway,
Firehouse, Potbelly, jeez... SUB
much?
LISA
Your father just loves a good
grinder.
LEXI
(horrified)
GROSS! Why on earth would you feel
the need to tell me that?
LISA
(slightly confused, then finds
the card she was looking for)
Here it is! Phillip Richards.
LEXI
Where the hell did you get Mark? Or
Matt?
LISA
Mark and Matt who?
Lisa begins dialing the number on her cell phone. She
reaches out and takes Lexi's hand. Lexi is a bit wary. Lisa
looks at Lexi's nails.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
46
LISA
Wouldn't you enjoy a manicure?
LEXI
A whats-it? Why with the hands and
the feet?
LISA
They should look nice, or at least
clean. (into the phone) Hello,
Phillip? This is Lisa Simons,
Donald said I should call you about
a possible event at the
resort? Yes.... Yes.... Yes, John
is my husband. Yes, he was very
proud of the building. Yes. Im at
Lexi's now, she is my...
Lexi raises an eyebrow.
LISA
...she is John's daughter. Yes, I
know, hard to believe. Yes,
(laughs) Im not really old enough
to be her mother...
Lexi makes a slight face. Lisa softens her look at Lexi and
squeezes her hand.
LISA
I'd like to think we are friends,
though.
Lexi makes a gesture as if to get Lisa to speed it up.
LISA
We were wondering when we could
come in and speak to you about
planning something. How about later
today? Yes, it is a bit short
notice, but not really a
rush. Really? That would be
lovely. Yes, we will be
there. Thank you! We look forward
to it!
Lisa ends the phone call.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
47
LISA
OK, he can meet with us at four
o'clock. Hopefully that will give
us enough time?
LEXI
For what?
Lisa half smiles. Gives Lexi a long once-over look.
LISA
Is that what you're wearing?
CUT TO
INTERIOR - SHORE CLUB - CONVENTIONS SPACE - LATER THAT DAY
MONTAGE
Phillip greets Lisa and Lexi as they enter an elegant but
simple hotel lobby at the Shore Club. Lisa, Lexi, and
Phillip are walking around the conventions space. Clips of
previewing photos from small weddings, receptions. Someone
brings a glass of champagne to Lisa and Lexi. Lexi gulps it
down, the server begins to take it, Lexi indicates "no" and
shakes the glass back and forth, indicating her desire for
another. Lisa forces a smile for Phillip, who remains
professionally pleasant. They walk through the space and out
onto a large, elegant, wooden deck with arbors overlooking
the beach. The server begins to approach with a tray with
two glasses of champagne, Lisa intercepts before Lexi can
see, and the server hides the glass behind her, and backs
away. Lexi catches her, coaxes her back. The waitress looks
to Phillip, who slightly nods and mouths "last one." Lexi
takes both.
CUT TO
INT. SHORE CLUB - ABOUT AN HOUR LATER
Lexi, Lisa, and Phillip are in an elegant suite of the
hotel. Lexi is tipsy but not sloppy. She feels compelled to
"feel" much of the furniture and artwork in the room. Lisa
gently continues to remove Lexi's hands from this activity.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
48
PHILLIP
So, this is one of our finest
suites, the "Daybreak Suite," with
the best views from the corner of
the top floor. The vista
encompasses a panoramic of the
ocean.
Lexi, tipsily repeats some of Phillips words.
LEXI
(a little tipsy)
Vis-TAH..... PAN-oh-RAM-ic...
Lisa fights a slight smile, a bit of embarrassed.
LISA
Lexi, sweetie.... why dont you go
in and splash some cool water on
the back of your neck. Maybe you
got a little.... over heated...
LEXI
COOOOOOOOL water....
Lexi seems to snap out of a reverie but is only slightly
embarrassed at her condition.
LEXI
Sounds good, chica.
Lexi walks to a door and opens it.
LEXI
Closet. (laughs) Hey, Theo? You in
there? (laughs again)
She walks to another door, opens it, it is an elaborate
bathroom.
LEXI
BINGO!
Lexi goes in and closes the door behind her. We hear her fom
behind the closed door.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
49
LEXI
DAY-YUM! Now THIS is what they mean
by PISS ELEGANT!
Lisa seems almost mortified.
PHILLIP
Will she be ok? She didn't drive
herself did she?
LISA
She'll be fine. No, she drove with
me. I think she is just a bit....
overwhelmed... at all of this. I'm
just thrilled for her. I'm trying
not to live vicariously, John and I
didnt have a wedding or
reception. I'm also grateful for
the time it gives me to spend with
Lexi. It will be lovely.
PHILLIP
I dont have to tell you that we are
also grateful for the opportunity
to showcase such a happy occasion
for a local couple! And it wasn't
nepotism, it just seemed to be
perfect timing all the way around!
LISA
Well, the Shore Club is stunning. I
know John is very proud of the work
you did together on the expansion!
PHILLIP
(nodding toward the bathroom)
Are you certain she is ok?
Lisa's cell phone rings. She checks the caller ID, its
Lexi. Lisa seems a bit perplexed.
LISA
Lexi? Sweetie? Are you ok? (pause)
No. (pause) What do you mean "are
you supposed to insert
it?" (pause) NO! (pause) No, they
fold the toilet tissue into a point
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
50
LISA (cont'd)
for aesthetics. (pause) "To look
pretty." (pause) No, I'm not
shi..."lying" to you. I promise.
Yes, please.
We hear Lexi give a hoot of laughter.
LEXI
(from behind the door)
WHEE!
LISA
(still into the phone)
Its a bidet.
We hear a toilet flush. Lisa looks at Phillip who is barely
controlling a laugh. Lisa is very emabarassed.
LISA
(whispering loudly)
NO! You dont have to refold it.
A moment later, Lexi opens the door,holding a small basket
of face cloths, folded into pretty rosettes.
LISA
Can you believe this? These are
WASHCLOTHS!
Phillip is smiling, Lisa is embarrassed, Lexi returns the
basket to the bathroom.
LEXI
Fancy!
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
CUT TO
Theo and Lexi are sitting on his couch. Lexi is slumped with
her head thrown back.
LEXI
(slowly, as if pained)
Can't you just give me a break?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
51
THEO
You must still be drunk.
LEXI
Not my fault. They musta served me
the good stuff.
THEO
No screw caps? Im happy for you.
LEXI
Don't be mad. Its still a good
thing.
THEO
I didn't want a big "to do." It'll
just be awkward. I mean, come on,
we aren't fooling anyone. They know
we are not a real couple.
Lexi sits upright.
LEXI
Hey, its all just fantasy
anyway. And most of our family will
just dig being at a party. How is
it different from arranged weddings
in places like India, or High-
society? You know, like that TV
show all the snooty gays go nuts
over.
THEO
First, "Downton Abbey" isnt an
"instructional how to." Secondly,
we aren't in Colonial India, and
lastly, you aren't exactly...
Lexi gets an stern look on her face.
THEO
(pauses)
...WE aren't exactly "high society"
in the early 20th Century. This
won't be a fashion spread for a
Ralph Lauren ad in Vanity Fair.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
52
LEXI
Think of the benefits. Dad is going
to throw some bucks my way because
he's off the hook. Thats the whole
point of this.
THEO
You're charade (pronounces it "sha-
rod") notwithstanding, it still
puts a lot of pressure on me. Now
Id have to invite MY family or it
will look really odd. If it was
just a party or reception, I could
bluff my way through it. Now its
going to be blown out of all
proportion.
LEXI
(overly dramatic)
For the love of ALL creation, why
do you have to be so dramatic?
Theo laughs.
LEXI
They arent going to announce it in
the damned New York Times for God's
sake.
THEO
Didnt you say there were going to
do a magazine spread on it? Post it
on Facebook? Film it?
LEXI
Well.... yeah.... but... I mean,
BIG DEAL. Why NOT invite your
family? When's the last time you
even saw them? Hell, Ive only met
your mother ONCE. And you told me
NOT to talk!
THEO
You just wouldnt understand my
family. Not together. Not as a
group.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
53
LEXI
You think I dont measure up. You
think Im low class.
THEO
Ugh. Now who's being overly
dramatic?
LEXI
What? Its a simple wedding. At a
small hotel. Its not the Daytona
500. I think YOU'RE having
hysterectomies.
THEO
(stumped, then thinks he
realizes the mistake)
Do you mean histrionics?
LEXI
What? (confused) Like in stereo
equipment? (shakes her head) You're
confusing me. Look, just invite a
few of your family. If they dont
show, we just tell everyone that it
was too far and not enough time to
plan.
THEO
Its two months away. Who cant plan
a trip in two months time? Im not
asking them to throw some clothes
in a trash bag and jump in the
car. Travel is not usually an
obstacle for my family. At least
not my mother.... anyway....
LEXI
Well, LAH-DEE-DAH Your Highness.
THEO
Don't be mad. This just ups the
game.
LEXI
I told Lisa that you'd need a
whole whole Pony and Dance show.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
54
THEO
The what?
LEXI
Pony and Dance show. And YES, I
know horses dont actually sing.
THEO
Dog and pony show.
LEXI
HA! Gotcha! Dogs dont sing either,
smart ass!
THEO
Damn. (sarcastically) You win
again.
LEXI
Just do this for me...
please? Think of it as an
adventure.
THEO
There really isn't a way OUT at
this point is there?
LEXI
Not if you want to live.
THEO
OK, but you have to let Margot and
the Odd Couple help us.
LEXI
Felix and Oscar? Ok, but why
Margot? She hates me.
THEO
She doesn't hate you. She just
doesnt get your... humor.
LEXI
now, I bet SHE thinks Im trash!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
55
THEO
Not at all. OK, Im still on
board. But seriously, no more
surprises. Agreed?
LEXI
Agreed.
INTERIOR - LISA'S HOME - A DAY OR SO LATER
LEXI
THEY WHAT?
LISA
They want to broadcast it. On the
"I Thee Wed" show. Wedding TV or
something.
LEXI
No. No, no, no, no, no.
LISA
What? You dont want to?
LEXI
No. I mean, no. I mean, yes, I want
to, but Theo... Theo will KILL ME.
LISA
Well, he'd have to agree. I mean,
they'd pay him as well.
LEXI
Its already such a planning
nightmare for his family. They have
to coordinate...
wait... What? PAY? What do you
mean?
LISA
Phillip said that since the Shore
Club is already organizing the
actual event, that the producers of
the show have agreed to pay you and
Theo to allow them to broadcast it
CUT TO
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
56
LISA (cont'd)
for...
LEXI
PAY? Like cash? What are we talking
about here? How much?
LISA
I dont know. It isnt like you are
actors. I assume its a nominal
payment for the rights. Im certain
there will be a pretty extensive
appearance contract though. They
need to indemnify themselves.
LEXI
Ballpark.
LISA
I really have no idea,
sweetheart. Im not in television.
Lexi reaches over to a small desk and gets a phone.
LEXI
Here. Call him. Find out.
LISA
Will Theo say no?
LEXI
Relax. I can handle Theo. I just
need the deets.
LISA
The what?
LEXI
Deets. Details. The "411," the
"info."
LISA
You CANNOT be that much younger
than I am.
LEXI
Just call him. I just want to know.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
57
LISA
Its late. He's probably at home. I
can call him tomorrow.
LEXI
Didnt you say youre friends with
his wife? Kinky? Cat-lady?
LISA
Katie.
LEXI
So call him at home. Just say we
were discussing it.
Lisa is a little hesitant, but takes the phone from Lexi and
dials the number. She half smiles at Lexi. Looks at her
hands again.
LISA
You sure? No manicure? (into
phone) KATIE! Hey, hon, its Lisa.
(pause) Yes, Phillip was lovely, we
are excited. (pause) Listen, I
really HATE to bug Donald at home,
but thats why I was calling. I was
talking with Lexi and she just had
a question. (pause) Yes, very
excited. (pause) Yes, thats why Im
calling. I told her and she just
got really excited about the
possibility and wanted to ask a few
questions. I hope its alright.
Lisa covers the phone with her hand, looks sternly at Lexi
as she hands her the receiver.
LISA
BE NICE.
Lexi grunts, takes the phone, puts a big fake smile on her
face, and winks at Lisa.
LEXI
Donald! (overly sweetly) Hello,
thank you SO much for indulging me.
(pause) Oh, well you ARE sweet. I
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
58
LEXI (cont'd)
just had a simple question about
the TV show being involved...
(pause) yes, that would be
exciting. (then bluntly) How much?
Lisa groans.
LEXI
I mean, "what" are they discussing
as "compensation?" I just want to
let my (over stresses the word)
"fiancé" know about this... (pause,
then shocked) Squeeze me?
Lisa covers her face in her hands.
LEXI
I mean excuse me? (pause) AMERICAN?
(pause) No, Im sure that is very
generous. Yes, I will be certain to
share with him. (pause) Yeah,
'preesh.
Lisa pokes Lexi.
LEXI
No, I mean I really appreciate it!
(pause) Yes, it will be
lovely. Thank you.
Lexi absentmindedly hands the phone to Lisa, almost drops it
before Lisa has a grasp on it. She sits back as if
stunned. Lisa take the phone.
LISA
Donald? Yes, (pause) No, thank
YOU. Yes, we will be in touch. Yes,
just have them give us a call.
Lisa looks at Lexi, who is lost in thought.
LISA
Well? What did he say? Are you
pleased?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
59
LEXI
Well, he said they would pay us
twenty thousand dollars. And they
are bringing in stylists and a
whole crew. This is cray-cray.
LISA
Its what, sweetie?
Lexi looks at Lisa, still a bit in shock.
LEXI
Oh my God... this is going to be SO
MUCH WORK. I am not sure if I can
do this. Its impossible.
LISA
I think its great! And sure you
can, thats why they are having
folks help you! How exciting!
LEXI
No, I mean, trying to convince Theo
is going to be impossible.
LISA
Do you not feel he will be
enthusiastic?
LEXI
Do I not "feel?" Ugh. He is gonna
be PISSED.
LISA
Would you like me to talk with him?
I mean, help ease his apprehension.
LEXI
HA! Are you bringing some medicinal
marijuana? He's gonna freak.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - NEXT AFTERNOON
THEO
Oh my God. I am FREAK-ING-OUT. How
did this happen?
Theo has just picked up Lexi from her office and is taking
her to her lunch so they can discuss the latest development.
LEXI
Just so's I understand, are you
HAPPY freaking out or ANGRY
freaking out?
Theo pulls into parking lot of a small coffee house. There
is light jazz music on the radio. Lexi has a folder from the
Shore Club. She opens it. She turns down the radio.
LEXI
I need to turn this down so I can
see.
THEO
Its too loud for you to "see?"
LEXI
I need to concentrate.
THEO
What is that exactly? (indicating
the folder)
LEXI
They sent it over to the office
this morning. Its the information
on what the motel is offering to
do, and its an offer letter from
the TV show.
THEO
First of all, I wouldn't refer to
the Shore Club as a "motel." Its a
resort. And how did a TV show get
involved?
Lexi takes out a few sheets of paper, closes the folder on
her lap. Looks at Theo.
(CONTINUED)
60
CONTINUED:
61
LEXI
This is effing AWESOME. Twenty-
thousand dollars. Come ON. Thats
the whole chiuaua.
THEO
The whole what?
LEXI
Chiuaua. The little dog. You know,
"the whole chiuaua." Everything I
was looking for.
THEO
You MAY mean "the whole enchilada"
but that doesn't answer my
question.
LEXI
What? Like Im some kind of
Hollywood mogul? How do I know how
fake weddings work? Still, they
want to meet with us tomorrow. Some
production dude and group are here
and they are pre-planning. I
imagine they want us to get the
stick rolling.
THEO
You need to just STOP trying to use
metaphors. Get the ball rolling, or
get on the stick. Or on the ball,
but still...
LEXI
STOP TRYING TO HAVE A THESAURUS
INTERVENTION! Stay on target. We
need to do this!
THEO
OK, this answers all of your needs,
but its just getting a bit out of
hand. How in the hell do I NOT
invite my family now?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
62
LEXI
Whats the big deal?
THEO
How long have we known each other?
LEXI
Like, a hundred years.
THEO
Since you attempted Univesity and I
was in Grad School, 12 years.
LEXI
(sarcastically)
AND....?
THEO
I never told you the truth about my
family. Well, not the "whole"
truth.
Lexi gets wide-eyed. Sits up straight.
LEXI
What? Criminals? Insanity
issues? (gets REALLY excited) OH OH
OH! CRIMINALLY insane?
THEO
Well, my dad is kind of, well, kind
of...
LEXI
A fugitive from justice? In WitSec?
THEO
and STOP watching so much TV.
LEXI
WHAT IS IT?
THEO
He's a former high ranking member
of the House of Commons, and runs
one of the largest investment firms
in Western Europe. He's...
complicated. And doesnt exactly
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
63
THEO (cont'd)
come without a lot of... lets just
say "help."
LEXI
Help? Like maids and stuff?
THEO
Well, kind of like Secret
Service. Bodyguards.
LEXI
Like a rap-star?
THEO
Um. No. More like you'd expect from
a member of, I dont know,
the President. But a bit more low-
key.
LEXI
That doesnt make sense. "LIKE" the
President AND low-key. Those are
incontinent.
THEO
Incongruous.
LEXI
Ugh. NOW I cant even use adverbs
correctly?
THEO
Adjectives.
Lexi rolls up a fist and raises it.
THEO
Not the point.... listen. If I have
to invite him, it WILL be a three
ring circus with a dash of an
affair of state thrown in.
LEXI
(sarcastically)
A circus AND a fair! Throw in some
barefoot bridesmaids and a Bar-B-
Que and it WILL be a Wedding.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
64
THEO
What?
LEXI
Nothing, just some craziness from
the hens at the office.... so...
your dad must be kinda loaded then
huh?
THEO
(cautiously)
Well, after a fashion I guess, but
it must all be tied up in accounts
and such. He lives like a normal
guy, more or less.
LEXI
More or less like the
President? President of what? The
home-owners association?
THEO
Lets stick to the point. I cannot
really invite him without a lot of
logistics being thrown in.
LEXI
YOU said your family could travel
without having to "throw clothes in
a trash bag" and now we are talking
"logistics." Is that even a word? I
dont think thats a real word!
THEO
It would just be complicated.
LEXI
They are going to pay us TWENTY
THOUSAND DOLLARS! Let it get a
little complicated.
THEO
I told you I would do this for you,
its just getting more...
involved. Just let me think about
it. I need to strategize. Um.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 65
Lexi looks at Theo, puzzled.
THEO
"Strategize" is a real word.
LEXI
Lay off me, mister. C'mon... the
hotel handles visits from
celebrities all the time. Its
always in the paper. I'm sure they
can handle a visit from the Bank
Manager, even a high-falutin' one.
THEO
Hedge fund.
LEXI
Hedge fund? Is he a banker or a
landscaper?
THEO
(rolls his eyes at her
comment)
OK I will ask him. OK? But I was
hoping to avoid involving my whole
family. I dont feel like dealing
with an interrogation. I will have
to figure out how to get them to
understand whats happening, without
making it seem underhanded.
LEXI
Hey, we can make it work. We are a
team!
THEO
Explain to me what they told you,
let me see that folder with all the
information.
Lexi gets up and goes to a big bag she brought with
her. Theo gets up and gets a bottle of mineral water, sits
back down. Lexi opens up the folder and takes out several
sheets of paper.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
66
LEXI
I dont speak "contract" so you will
have to let me know what it says.
Lexi hands several of the papers to Theo. He begins to read
through them.
THEO
OK, first of all, they want to own
the footage, including whatever
they film of us and anyone at the
event...
LEXI
Wedding.
THEO
Cool your jets, Monster
Bride. (continues) and they want it
in perpetuity....
Lexi makes a confused face.
THEO
Forever.
LEXI
Whats wrong with that?
THEO
I wouldnt sign that, Id give them a
time limit. And if they or the
hotel was going to use it more than
five years, we should ask for
another payment to extend.
LEXI
Like a million dollars?
Theo looks at her, cannot tell if she is joking.
THEO
No, Madmesoille Greedy, we'd be
lucky to get five thousand or so
after that. They probably wouldnt
even want it, becomes too dated,
but I still dont want them to own
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
67
THEO (cont'd)
it forever. Not the video, not the
still shots.
Lexi looks confused again.
THEO
Photos. Seriously, you cannot be
this dense.
LEXI
Look, Im not an idiot, but this is
all kinda different. The only
contracts I sign are for my car
loan and a Macy's credit card.
THEO
You handle negotiations for work
all the time. This isnt above your
head. You just have to get in the
right mind set. See, here, they
stipulate that they want the rights
in other markets, including
international.
LEXI
Like Europe?
THEO
Europe, Asia, where ever. And they
want to use it in print, digital,
voice and any distribution channel,
including but not limited to
internet based platforms.
LEXI
So basically any way that they'd
want to use it.
THEO
Exactly. I would expect them to
misuse it, but again, I just want a
time limit.
LEXI
Understood. But what do you
say? Can we make this work?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 68
Theo sets the papers aside. He looks off as if lost in
thought for a moment. Then he gets a bit serious.
THEO
OK, you get to pay off your
debts. You BANK the twenty thousand
for at least six months, see what
happens, if your family gives you
extra stuff. We DON'T lie any more
than necessary. We are NOT planning
on starting a family! Do NOT get
anyone thinking you are going to
get pregnant.
Lexi mimes being relieved.
LEXI
I was worried you would decide you
wanted me to carry your seed.
THEO
Gross.
Lexi laughs extensively at her own humor. Theo is non-
affected.
THEO
Back to the issue at hand. Are we
agreed? And no more taking meetings
without me. Got it?
LEXI
Laying down the law. OK, OK,
OK. Agreed. But we both have to
sign the contract, so let them know
what changes you want and lets
light this cake!
THEO
Candle.
LEXI What?
THEO
Light this candle. Not the cake.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
69
MONTAGE:
LEXI
Ugh.
Scenes of Lexi and Theo working with Felix, Oscar,and
Margo. Looking through wedding planning information, talking
with event staff and looking at decorations, Theo being a
bit more involved and thoughtful, Lexi shrugging, Theo
making style decisions. An assistant from the hotel ushers
Theo out while they bring in a few wedding dresses, Lexi is
unimpressed with overly romantic, traditional wedding
dresses. Margot pulls out an iPad and Googles a "Lesbian
Wedding" site and then shows Lexi a photo of two stylish
women wearing matching tuxedos, Lexi gets a smile on her
face and points to a photo of two women wearing tuxedos and
high top tennis shoes, Oscar texts a copy to Theo, who texts
back "NO," Lexi is upset, but then Margot shows a photo of
two women in elegant matching cream colored simple gowns, no
frills. Felix and Oscar send a pic to Theo, he replies "OK"
and Lexi tries to high five Margot, another text from Theo
"no sneakers" and Lexi frowns.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXIS APARTMENT- SOME DAYS LATER
Lexi is laying face down on her bed, she is surrounding by
papers and photos of the wedding information. Her phone
rings, she doesn't recognize the number, answers it,
sounding exhausted.
LEXI
Hello?
Peter Mills, a producer from the "I Thee Wed" television
crew is calling.
PETER
Hello Lexi, this is Peter Mills,
from "I Thee Wed." I am the
Producer and I was hoping I could
arrange a meeting soon with you
(MORE)
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
70
PETER (cont'd)
and , Theo, is it?
Lexi sits upright, gathering a lot of the papers together,
searching for a particular one, finds a folder Theo has
labeled "CONTRACT" and she pulls it out.
LEXI
Was there a problem with the
contract? Are well still on the
show?
PETER
Oh certainly, I can discuss our
agreement with your changes
tomorrow, but no, this is more of a
personal meeting I wanted to have
with you both before things get
crazy.
LEXI
Things are gonna get crazier? How
is that possible? Trained seals?
PETER
(laughing, but sounds
uncertain if he thinks she is
serious)
No, no, nothing like that. We would
like to stay away from gimmicks. I
just wanted you both to have be
able to be as comfortable as
possible, and have a face from the
leadership team to rely on.
LEXI
So what are we talking about? Where
are you?
PETER
Im in Chicago right now, will be in
town tomorrow. Hows tomorrow
evening?
LEXI
I have to check with the Mrs...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
71
PETER
(a little confused)
Excuse me? This must be a horrible
connection, I thought I was
speaking with Lexi...
LEXI
Naw, its me, just a joke. Kinda. I
will ask Theo. Where should we meet
you?
PETER
Why dont you choose your favorite
restaurant, and we can arrange to
meet there. Let me take you to
dinner.
LEXI
For reals? (excited) I hope you
have a decent expense account.
PETER
(laughs)
Haha, I trust your judgment... and
your self control. But just the
three of us, and possibly my
assistant.
LEXI
Got ya.
PETER
My assistant is Laura, I will have
her give you a call later. Let her
know where and what time is best,
after 5 pm if thats ok.
LEXI
Rock on. (changes to a more
professional tone) I mean, thank
you very much.
PETER
See you then!
****************************************************
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
72
EXTERIOR - RESTAURANT - NEXT EVENING -
Lexi and Theo are getting out of Theo's car, and walk
towards a small restaurant. Lexi is talking non-stop
LEXI
...so all I said was "I am going to
DESTROY this bathroom" and she had
a fit! I mean, we are all women
there, whats the big deal?
THEO
Charming story. Really? Cant you
use a different metaphor? Like "I
need to go read a magazine" or
something even slightly less
vulgar?
LEXI
Dude, I DESTROYED that bathroom....
THEO
And you're single?
They stop outside the entrance. It is moderately busy
inside, lively, a bit noisy. Lexi stops Theo from going in.
LEXI
Listen, I have no idea what this
guy may be asking us, if he starts
asking a lot of questions, just
follow my lead. I dont want him to
get suspicious.
THEO
Suspicious of what? We aren't
planning a bank robbery.
LEXI
Still, I dont want him getting ant
feet....
THEO What?
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
73
LEXI
You know, "ant feet" like he may
change his mind. Ants are erratic
little buggers.
THEO
I think you mean "antsy" or "cold
feet."
LEXI
What ever...
THEO
If you have to use the ladies room,
you may not want to tell him your
are going to "destroy" the
plumbing. Just an etiquette hint.
LEXI
Good to know.
Lexi turns to enter the restaurant but doesnt hold the door
for Theo, and it begins to shut quickly. He rolls his
eyes. She is waiting for him at the hostess stand, when he
stands beside her she attempts to hold his hand. He
instinctively pulls away.
THEO
What? Dont hurt me.
LEXI
We are ENGAGED, "dear." You CAN
hold my hand in public.
THEO
Oh this. So we start now?
LEXI
(hissing)
Get with the program. (she digs
through her pocket to find a folded
up piece of paper, reads it, then
to the hostess) Hi, we are meeting
a Mr Peter Mills here.
Theo gets a shocked look on his face.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
74
THEO
WHO? (grabs the paper, reads it)
Where did you say he lived?
HOSTESS
Yes, you must be (checking a small
clipboard) Theo and Lucky?
Theo is caught off guard, laughs out loud.
LEXI
(overly sweetly)
No, sweetie, "Lexi." Theo and
"LEXI."
HOSTESS
(unphased)
I am SO sorry, I apologize. Blame
the penmanship! Please forgive me.
LEXI
(under her breath to Theo)
Really? "Lucky?" Do I LOOK like a
stripper.
THEO
Not even a chance. (a little more
serious) Hey, listen, I think that
there is something I might have to
add, here...
HOSTESS
Right this way. Mr Mills has only
just been seated.
LEXI
(whispering)
Can it for now. I've gotta get my
game-face on. (looks at Theo) And
you may wanna try and keep a
"straight" face. HA!
The hostess ushers them through the restaurant to a small
table where a very attractive man is busy typing on an ipad
and talking on the phone. He looks up.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
75
PETER
(standing)
Lexi and Theo? (breaks into a big
smile) THEO? (regains some
composure) Um... Im not sure if you
remember, we actually... we
actually first met at a TED
conference..
Lexi looks stunned. Narrows her eyes at Theo.
LEXI
A "TED" conference? What? Like a
bunch of guys named "Theodore?"
He and Theo lock eyes for a moment. Lexi notices. She
interjects.
LEXI
YES. Mr Mills. Im Lexi Simons and
this is my boyfriend...haha, Im
sorry, my "fiance" Theo.
Theo reaches out to shake hands with Peter, Lexi maneuvers
and takes Peters hand. Peter directs his attention back to
her.
THEO
TED conference. Technology,
Entertainment, and Design. It was a
few years ago. San Diego, I think.
PETER
San Francisco. Anyway, So nice to
meet you again, both. I mean so
nice to see you again, and meet
your lovely wife to be. We are
really excited about being part of
this occasion with you, both.
Peter looks at Theo again, a little too intently, Lexi
notices.
LEXI
(dryly)
Yeah. Both.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
76
Theo gives her a small nudge.
THEO
Thanks... its kind of a crazy
idea. But I guess a nice
opportunity.
PETER
Well, we are excited.
LEXI
Yeah, yeah. Exciting. What can we
tell you? So, about this THEO
conference...
THEO
TED. TED conference. Remember I
showed you the YouTube video about
the power of having a great logo?
Peter laughs a bit nervously.
PETER
Here, please (handing the menu to
Lexi) order something to eat. This
is just a casual way to get to know
you a little bit better myself. I
hope youre hungry.
LEXI
(almost scowling at Theo, then
warily looking at Peter)
Oh, I could ANNIHILATE a lobster
mac and cheese...
Theo groans almost silently.
LEXI
(changing tone)
I mean, they have a lovely lobster
mac and cheese here...
PETER
(laughing)
Sounds perfect. (to Theo) And what
do you enjoy? (only slightly
playfully) I mean, to eat? I mean,
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
77
(cont'd)
what would you like?
Lexi suddenly realizes that Peter must be gay, and gets a
little irritated.
LEXI
Yes, honey. What WOULD you like?
THEO
Oh, I'll have what you're having...
I mean, whatever she wants. Or, I
mean, lobster mac and cheese is
great.
Lexi eyes them both a little warily. She makes a point of
taking Theo's hand.
LEXI
Well, it DOES seem a bit crazy, but
we are excited too. Its just so...
exciting.
THEO
Yes, I am excited.
Lexi squeezes his hand hard.
The waitress arrives, they order and then get more
situated. Lexi watches as Peter unfolds his napkin in a
quick motion, placing it on his lap in a competent
manner. She attempts to do the same, doesnt have a good grip
and the napkin flys out of her hand. A passing waiter
catches it and hands it back to her.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - SAME RESTAURANT - 2O MINUTES LATER
A trio of waiters bring the food and alternate delivering
the food from the left and refilling water glasses from the
right. Lexi keeps looking from left to right as if confused
by the action. The waiters leave, and the trio settles in to
eating.
Theo is explaining about his first meeting with Peter.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
78
THEO
...and its leaders in the
industries, or people who are
making a name for themselves in
areas of technology, "T,"
entertainment, "E," and design,
"D." T... E... D. TED. Peter was
there on the production crew, I
believe, and I was there with a
group of graphic designers and
internet guys.
Lexi is listening but regarding Peter with some
apprehension. Peter looks at her, smiling.
LEXI
So Peter, more to the point, what
can we tell you?
PETER
Well, the team just wanted to keep
a focus. No offense, but sometimes
brides can get a bit... over
stimulated, lets say, and I wanted
to check in with you and make
certain you are handling... the
pressure... well.
LEXI
THIS one (nods toward Theo) is the
real nervous nellie....
Theo coughs and squeezes Lexi's hand hard. She puts her
other hand over top of his, leans in attempting to nuzzle.
THEO
What she means is, Im the
reasonable one. She can be a bit
overzealous.
Lexi turns to Theo, a bit agitated.
LEXI
What do you mean jealous? Of what!?
Peter seems a bit more interested. He seems a bit amused by
the dynamic between the two, and continues to look at Theo
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 79
with a mild, bashful but direct way.
THEO
Over ZEALOUS, "honey." You can get
carried away.
LEXI
Oh. (a bit calmer) Oh, yeah,
maybe. (she turns back to Peter)
SO, we're all good, right? No,
second thoughts?
PETER
No, no second thoughts from the
production team. (looks at Theo)
How about you guys? Are you sure
you want to do this?
Theo blushes and looks at Lexi, smiling nervously.
THEO
Oh, I think we're ready for
commitment for sure.
PETER
No, I mean, the filming of your
wedding. It can be a bit
intense. Fishbowl, you know.
THEO
Oh, it wont last that long... I
mean the craziness. The wedding...
I mean the filming. (nervous) We
will make it through.
Peter laughs. Lexi is hiding her irritation.
LEXI
What is there left for us to
do? Besides the wedding I mean?
PETER
Have you finalized all the
arrangements? Theo, I noticed that
your family travel is being handled
privately, is there any way I can
help? From a production
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
80
PETER (cont'd)
perspective?
THEO
I sent some information about my
fathers... itinerary and travel
requirements... I think its just
easier for his staff to handle it.
PETER
Wow, sounds a bit complicated. Are
you certain I can't handle
something for you?
LEXI
(a bit directly)
Um... no need. Listen, I just want
to make certain we are all on the
same page, here. Is there anything
else we need to know here? Whats
your angle?
Theo looks at Lexi a bit surprised. He tries to compensate
for her brusque manner.
THEO
I think what Lexi means is, this is
all so complicated, I guess we just
dont want any last minute
emergencies.
PETER
Oh, no worries. No complications.
Peter winks at Theo without Lexi noticing. Theo chokes on
his water, Lexi looks at him.
LEXI
What? What'd I miss? You ok?
PETER
Yes, Theo, are you OK?
THEO
(choking out the words)
Fine... fine... all good. What were
we talking about? Oh.. (regains his
composure)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 81
They finish their meals and the staff remove the last of the
plates. Waitress overs coffee and they all order some.
WAITRESS
Would anyone care for something
sweet?
Theo and Peter exchange glances.
WAITRESS
Dessert?
Theo knows that Lexi wants something, he turns to her.
THEO
Go ahead, you know you're dying for
it.
PETER
Yes, please. Whatever youd
like. Theo, what about you?
Theo wont make eye contact. He looks down as he folds and
refolds his napkin.
THEO
No. No. Im good.
Lexi orders dessert, coffee is served. Lexi begins to add
several spoonfuls of sugar. Peter looks at her smiling.
PETER
I guess you DO like something
sweet. Caffeine and sugar wont keep
you up, will it?
THEO
Just try and put her down.
LEXI
Im a sweets-aholic. It shows in my
personality. Pure sugar.
PETER
Good to know.
The waitress delivers a large slice of grapefruit cake, and
Lexi begins with a large forkful.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
82
LEXI
(mouth full)
Yum.
They continue to make small talk as they drink coffee. Lexi
scrapes the plate with her fork, getting every last crumb.
PETER
So, we are good then. Only a few
weeks til the big day. If you nee
ANYTHING, please do not
hesitate. Theo, we dont cover
bachelor parties though! You may be
on your own, my man. Although, you
can be sure and invite me.
THEO
I doubt there will be a big send
off for me. We need to worry about
Lexi and making certain she doesnt
spin out of control.
LEXI
Hey, I will be the perfect
bride. No worries. YOU just dont
worry about me. Its my big day!
The waitress brings a bill. It sits on the table for just a
moment, and Lexi looks at it, then to Peter, then back to
the bill.
LEXI
Um...
PETER
No worries, its on me. Well, on the
show's budget.
LEXI
Whew! HA! Im kidding.
Peter puts a credit card into the check folder, hands it
back to the waitress as she passes, she nods.
WAITRESS
Thank you sir, I'll bring this
right back.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 83
The waitress leaves, Peter tries to catch Theo's eye again,
Theo is avoiding looking directly at him.
THEO
Good meal, huh? (to Lexi) You OK,
babe?
LEXI
Yeah, "BABE." Im groovy. (to Peter)
So, when will we see you again? I
mean BOTH of us?
PETER
Well, we will be in each others
lives a few more times before the
big day. Im flying back to Chicago
tomorrow afternoon, after a meeting
with, Donald and Phillip, I
believe, from the Shore Club.
LEXI
Nice guys. That place has GREAT
bathrooms.
Peter looks at Lexi a bit confused.
LEXI
They're fancy! Pointy toilet
tissue, water fountain toilets,
orgasmic washcloths...
Peter and Theo look at her wide eyed.
LEXI
You know, folded all fancy, like
Japanese paper animals?
PETER
OH! (laughing) Origami.
LEXI
(irritated)
Why is it everyone feels the need
to correct me?
Peter seems genuinely concerned that he has insulted
her. Theo notices and wraps an arm around Lexi, playfully.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
84
THEO
We just love your colorful play on
the English language, sweetie!
LEXI
Yah, sure. Whatev's.
The waitress brings the check holder and credit card back,
placing it in front of Peter.
WAITRESS
Thank you all so much. Have a
lovely evening.
Peter opens it up and writes in a tip, Lexi strains a bit to
see what he is leaving.
LEXI
WOW! Big tipper!
PETER
I was a bartender all through
college. I understand the struggle.
LEXI
Oh? At some fancy restaurant?
PETER
No, it was a... bar. In San Fran.
Theo seems to get a little nervous again.
THEO
You ready, sweetie?
LEXI
Oh, I am SO ready! After this meal
Im gonna sleep like baby log!
Peter seems confused again.
THEO
Like a baby. Or like a log.
LEXI
Again, with the corrections? Back
off mister.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 85
They all smile. Peter stands, offers to assist Lexi out of
her chair, she looks suprised. Theo stands, they walk toward
the front of the restaurant. Peter catches his eye behind
Lexi and Theo just shakes his head, nodding toward
Lexi. Peter half smiles. Lexi stops at the hostess stand.
LEXI
(to the hostess)
We had a LOVELY dinner, THANK
you. (points to Theo and
Peter) THEY are the "LUCKY" ones.
The hostess just smiles. Peter looks confused again. Theo
shakes his head. They all exit the restaurant.
EXT. SIDEWALK AT RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
The three stand briefly on the sidewalk.
PETER
Well, good night you two. Thanks
again, it was a pleasure meeting
you... both. (to Lexi, then turns
to Theo) Theo, it was great to meet
you again. Quite a surprise, I
guess it IS a small world
afterall! Glad we can be part of
this occassion with you...both.
THEO
Yes, thank you. I guess we'll meet
again soon. I mean us.
(awkwardly) Both of us. She and I.
LEXI
(dryly)
He got it. (turns to Peter, holding
her hand as if expecting him to
kiss it. He briefly shankes
it.) Nice. Thanks again for the
din-din.
PETER
My pleasure.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 86
Peter nods to them both, takes a few steps back, then turns
and leaves. Looking over his shoulder once as Theo and Lexi
turn to leave together.
LEXI
Oh, we are SO going to be
discussing this tonight. Im
crashing at your place.
THEO
Fine.
LEXI
Stop and get real milk. And half
and half. Im not drinking that
almond crap in my coffee again.
THEO
Yes, "dear."
They walk together and get into Theo's car. Lexi stands at
the passenger side, waiting as if for Theo to open the door
for her. She raises her eyebrows and nods toward the car
door. Theo raises up the key fob, depressing the unlock
button dramatically.
THEO
There ya go.
LEXI
So much for silvery.
THEO
Chivalry.
LEXI
(opening the door herself)
Ass-face.
THEO
(opening his door and climbing
in)
Ever the charming one.
Lexi puts on her seatbelt, Theo does the same. He backs out
and then drives away.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Theo drives, turns on the radio at a low volume. Lexi keeps
looking at him intently, waiting for him to speak. He begins
to sing along with the radio. Lexi reaches over and turns it
off. She crosses her arms. Theo is ignoring her, continues
to sing without the radio. She clears her throat
loudly. Theo glances over at her, smiling. She becomes
visibly more irritated.
LEXI
OK, lady. OUT WITH IT. Who IS that
guy?
Theo takes a deep breath. Looks at her then back to the
road. He is silent for a moment.
THEO
Remember I told you about a guy
I... "met" at a weekend
conference? In San
Francisco? Turned into a week?
Lexi continues to stare.
THEO
Pete? Mid-western guy. Had an...
interesting tattoo?
Lexi is thinking now, trying to recall. She gets a wide-eyed
suprised look on her face.
LEXI
Oh... NO!!!
Theo looks a little embarrassed.
THEO
So you remember?
LEXI
PETE? Pistol-packing PETE?
THEO
(more embarrassed)
The one and only.
(CONTINUED)
87
CONTINUED:
88
LEXI
Dear God. You... are... a...
THEO
HEY! It wasnt exactly like a random
hook up! I thought we had a real
connection!
Lexi looks as if she remembers something.
LEXI
WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! He said
"where we FIRST met!"
Theo looks over at her, sheepishly.
LEXI
PETER! THAT Peter?
Theo is silent but he raises his eyebrows, eyes intent on
the road as he drives.
LEXI
You spent another week with him,
didnt you? Thats the guy you went
to meet in Florida!?
THEO
(almost to himself)
Oh, this is SO gonna bite me in the
ass.
LEXI
Dont take me to my place. Im
crashing at yours. We are TALKING
about Pistol Pete!
THEO
Ugh.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
CUT TO
Lexi is coming into a Theo's kitchen, goes to the cabinet to
get two glasses. She chooses two water glasses, turns to
Theo.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
89
LEXI
OK, what kind of booze do you have?
THEO
Are you sure thats a good idea?
LEXI
Oh, we are going to talk, and I
know that booze loosens that mouth
of yours. You're spilling the chili
on this one.
Theo laughs but before he can say anything, Lexi interrupts.
LEXI
YES, I know its really "spill the
beans" but it made me think of
chili.
THEO
How about some more Champagne,
Lush? You able to drink that again?
LEXI
Yah, hairless dog and all...
THEO
"Hair of the dog"
LEXI
either way... its a bit prissy, but
whatever floats your boat. Where is
it?
Lexi opens another cabinet, pulls out a very fancy
bottle. She looks it over.
LEXI
"Elderflower?"
THEO
Thats a VERY nice liqueur. Actually
would be nice to splash in the
Champagne. Good choice. But the
Champagne wouldnt be in a cabinet,
sweetie. Its in the fridge.
Lexi sets the bottle on the counter next to the glasses.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
90
THEO
Um... can we use stemware for
Champagne?
Lexi turns back to Theo.
LEXI
Really? It matters?
THEO
It would be good practice for you
to learn how to hold a proper
glass. I mean for the wedding and
all.
Lexi returns the two water glasses, finds two champagne
glasses on a rack, sets them on the counter. She clomps over
to the refridgerator, dramatically.
LEXI
"Stemware"... ha. "Edlerflower
liquere." HONESTLY... is there a
gayer drink?
She opens the refridgerator door, spies a small bottle with
pink liquid and picks it up and reads it.
LEXI
"Rose Petel Lemonade." Oh look, a
GAYER drink.
THEO
Lets calla truce on knocking each
others culinary choices, OK Bacon
doughnut?
LEXI
You liked it too! You called it
"savory splendor!"
THEO
You remember that but cant remember
"hair of the dog?"
Lexi finds a bottle of champagne, pulls it out. Theo
interjects.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
91
THEO
No offense, but not the Vueuve. Can
you grab a bottle of Moet?
Lexi looks confused.
THEO
Not the orange label. The white
label with the star.
LEXI
Whats wrong with the pretty orange
label?
THEO
Its a bit much for late night truth
or dare.
LEXI
Fine. Hooch is hooch after 10 pm
anyway.
Lexi unwraps the foil on the bottle. Seems stumped by the
wire and cork. She looks to Theo. Offers him the bottle.
LEXI
You mind?
Theo takes the bottle and expertly opens the bottle with a
muffled but distinctive pop. He hands it back to her.
LEXI
Thanks. So what is a "splash?"
THEO
Just add a drop or two, a quick
dash.
Lexi pours the Champagne and then delicately adds a perfect
splash of liquere.
LEXI
Look at me! Im a Somalian!
THEO
Im thinking you mean Sommolier, and
not Somali, really more like a
bartender... but LOOK AT YOU! Well
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
92
THEO (cont'd)
done sweetie.
Lexi brings the glass to Theo, who sits on a couch in the
adjoining living room. Lexi returns for the bottles and
brings them into the living room. She joins Theo on the
couch.
LEXI
OK. Now, start at the
beginning. Pistol Packing Pete. Go.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - NEXT MORNING
DISSOLVE
Theo is sitting at his small kitchen table, drinking coffee
and reading news posts on his iPad. Lexi stubles in,
obviously from just waking up, dissheveled.
THEO
Good morning, Starshine.
Lexi grunts. She squints at the sun coming through the
window.
LEXI
Holy crap. Is it NOON or something?
THEO
Its twelve after seven.
Lexi picks up a pair of Theo's sunglasses from a small
basket on a phone table, puts them on. Goes to the pantry,
opens the door and just stands there. Theo watches her.
THEO
You want a breakfast?
LEXI
Do you just have cereal?
THEO
There's some granola, but its
organic.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
93
LEXI
Naturally.
Lexi laughs at herself.
LEXI
"Naturally" ha! cuz its
organic. Ugh.
Lexi goes to the cabinet and gets a bowl, then a spoon from
a drawer, sets them on the table, returns to the pantry,
looking.
LEXI
Well where is it? I dont see a box?
THEO
Its actually in a bag, its in...
LEXI
Wait first, do you even have milk?
THEO
There's some almond milk.
LEXI
Please tell me that "Almond" is the
name of your cow.
THEO
No such luck sweetie. I do have
some half and half, but probably
just enough for your coffee. But
almond milk is sweet, youd like it.
LEXI
I doubt Id like it on organic
granola. Wait, whats this...
Lexi pulls out a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies, she looks
at the bag. She smiles. She goes to the refridgerator again,
finds a bottle of almond milk, she looks at the label,
shrugs, brings it to the table. She opens the bag of cookies
while Theo watches. She regards the contents, then closes
the bag, and begins to smash the contents, reopens the bag,
emptying the crumbs and pieces into the bowl. Theo is wide
eyed. She then pours the almond milk into the bowl. She
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 94
takes the spoon and tries a bit. She smiles.
LEXI
Yum! This almond milk isnt half
bad!
THEO
Un-freaking-believable. Hey, Sharon
Stone, can you take off the shades
and talk. Are we cool about
Peter? It wont become an issue,
right?
Lexi takes off the sunglasses in a slightly exaggerated
manner. She shakes her head and then places them on top of
her head. She takes another bite of the cookie
concoction. Chewing slowly but looks a bit pensive. She
plays with the spoon in the bowl, moving the mixture
around. She sighs.
LEXI
No, its cool. I guess it threw
me. I mean, its SO obvi- that he is
way into you.
THEO
Doubtful, he kinda disappeared
after the Florida trip. That was
over a year ago.
LEXI
Oh, COME ON babe. You know how you
can get. When you like someone you
get kind of .... "aloof." You're
hard to read mister.
Theo seems as if he wants to argue but cannot. He takes the
spoon out of his coffee and takes a bite of her cookie
mix. He raises his eyebrows as if pleasantly surprised. His
look turns a little sad.
THEO
Yeah. Maybe. Still, a guy likes to
be pursued. He kinda gave up way
too easy.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
95
LEXI
Well, he is so your type. Seems
like he has it going
on. Creative. Smart. Really nice
looking without being annoyingly
handsome. But you can intimidate
the best of them. You're no slouch.
THEO
So, what. It isn't like I can date
him. Not now. Isn't our predicament
kind of an impediment?
Lexi looks confused.
THEO
A roadblock. Snag.
LEXI
Like a fly on the wall.
THEO
in the ointment, but yeah.
LEXI
Baby. I love you. I want you to be
happy.
THEO
Im confused, you want me to tell
him we are basically full of crap
and making this up?
Lexi gets wide eyed.
LEXI
Oh HECK no. Not until I cash that
sweet, sweet check! (then more
playfully) But dont worry, he was
smitten. Just start prepping him
for our divorce. DONT let him lose
touch. He digs you. But DONT mess
this up for me.
THEO
Damn. You are confusing the heck
out of me. But I do know something
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
96
THEO (cont'd)
for certain...
LEXI
What's that?
Theo pulls her bowl of cookies closer to him, Lexi protests.
THEO
THIS is damned good.
They start to each dig into the bowl enthusiastically.
THEO
Get some more cookies.
INTERIOR - LISA'S HOME - A DAY OR SO LATER
CUT TO
Lexi walks in the front door. Lisa is dressed simply but
elegantly. Lexi is wearing shorts and a t-shirt with casual
sneakers. Lisa looks at her and smiles almost
sympathetically.
LISA
Sweetheart... you're so pretty. Why
dont you like to .... I dont
know... show off a bit more?
LEXI
I am COMFORTABLE. Besides, if we
are going to fittings and such,
wont I be changing back and forth
most of the day?
Lisa reaches out and brushes a bit of hair from Lexi's
face. She is obviously very tender towards Lexi.
LISA
You're right. You're right. But
thanks for indulging me. Im so
excited. We havent done much pre-
wedding things together yet!
LEXI
Well, Im yours all day today and
tomorrow. The big day is a'coming.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
97
LISA
Arent you getting excited?
Nervous? Anything?
Lexi shrugs but sees that Lisa is hopeful for more, so she
musters a smile, then shakes herself gently like a small
child.
LEXI
Well, yeah... kinda. (gets a bit
more serious) But two things, I
need coffee first, and do NOT let
me drink anything al-co-hol-ic. Im
a lady.
Lisa smiles and laughs slightly.
LISA
You're on. And today is on
ME. Lunch is my treat. And dinner
with me and your father
tonight? Deal?
LEXI
(slighly apprehensvie)
Im yours ALL day... go easy!
MONTAGE: SCENES OF LISA AND LEXI AT COFFEE HOUSE, SHOE
SHOPPING WITH SWATCHES OF FABRIC FROM WEDDING DRESS. DRESS
FITTINGS, AT THE PRINTERS FOR INVITATIONS AND PLACE CARDS
AND MENU.
Lexi occasionally looks at Lisa with a mix of curiosity an
admiration. Lisa is obviously enjoying herself by helping
Lexi, and is very adept at talking with the various
personnel. She is enthusiastic and turns to Lexi often for a
reasurring nod or approval. They pass by a small jewelry
shop, Lisa catches Lexi looking at a small vintage
necklace. Lisa coaxes her in to try it on. Lexi actually
admires herself in a small mirror, with a whistful
smile. Lisa pulls out a charge card, Lexi protests a bit,
Lisa is persistant. Lexi turns back to admire the necklace
again as the sales clerk brings a slip Lisa signs, and a
nice velvet box and small bag. Lexi smiles, touched, Lisa
just squeezes her hand. They go to lunch, Lisa still
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 98
animatedly showing photos os small but tasteful bouquets for
a bride. Lexi seems less interested until they happen on a
small mix of tiny pink roses and violets. Lisa makes a
gesture asking if Lexi is certain, and Lexi has a sweet look
on her face as if she is giving in to the idea, and Lisa
smiles and puts a post-it note on the page, and draws a
heart on it with a small marker. They resume eating while
Lisa seems to be talking and gesturing, telling stories,
revelling in the time she is spending with Lexi.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo is working at his desk, surrounded by papers. His phone
rings. He looks at the caller ID, it is a Chicago number, he
makes a face as if he does not recognize the number, and
sets it down. On the next ring, he grabs it with a sudden
flash of recognition. He pushes the button to answer but
hesitates a moment... we hear a voice on the other end.
PETER
Hello? Theo? Hello?
THEO
Um... yeah. Hello?
PETER
Hey, Theo, its Peter. Peter
Mills. Is it OK to call?
THEO
Uh... yeah... yeah. Its OK. What
can I help you... I mean... whats
going ... uh, hey.
PETER
(laughing)
You sure? Did I wake you or
something?
THEO
No, no, just working. In a zone I
guess. So....
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
99
PETER
Well, I know that Lexi and Lisa
were finalizing some of her wedding
needs today, big day is a week
out. I just didnt know if you had
anyone helping you with your... I
mean... I know your father isn't
due into town for a bit, and I
wondered if you needed a guy to...
well...
THEO
(laughing as well)
Did I wake YOU?
PETER
Hey, I dont want to be awkward. I
just wanted to know if I can help
you in any way. You haven't asked
the production offices for anything
yet. Do you have a tux, or are you
planning a bachelor party or
anything? I dont think I could help
find a stripper bar or anything,
but if you wanted to arrange a nice
steak dinner or a nice evening of
cocktails with any of your.. uh,
any of your friends... I mean, I
know it was kind of a shock meeting
again like this, but Id like to
help. I mean, if I can. Help, that
is.
THEO
Im not really bachelor party
material, Im thinking. I have a few
friends, a mix. I hadnt thought
about it. A nice dinner. How would
that work?
PETER
Well, if you aren't against the
idea, I could host it with you,
pick up the tab.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
100
THEO
Oh....
PETER
Hey, if thats not cool, no
sweat. We can still arrange a
payment on the show. Just set a
budget and then you do whatever it
is youd like to do. Is there a
restaurant or nice lounge? We'd
probably just like to film a few
establishing shots, not go off the
rails or anything. But we have an
image we want to still project. No
offense, not sure what you are
into.
THEO
I beg your pardon?
PETER
(embarassed)
OH! No, I mean, I didnt know if you
had friends that got too rowdy or
out of control. I trust that you
can keep it dignified. You're
pretty well grounded. I mean, if I
remember correctly.
THEO
Bascially boring. Still. Yeah. But
hey, a dinner would be nice. My
friends CAN get a bit out of
control, but I dont think its a
"Jersey Shore" type of
craziness. More like, an episode
of... I dont know... HGTV Design
Challenge?
PETER
(laughing)
I got you. Hey... what are you
doing tonight?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
101
THEO
Just working.
PETER
Oh, yeah. Your "zone."
THEO
Why?
PETER
Would you care to go to dinner
tonight? Maybe just catch up a
bit? Lisa said she was going to
dinner with her Dad and her...
well, Lisa. Just if you
wanted. Lobster mac and cheese was
really good last time.
Theo seems to contemplate something, not quite sure what.
THEO
Well, sure. That would be
nice. Yeah. But how about I just
meet you at the lounge at the Shore
Club?
PETER
Yeah. Im staying at the Marriott by
the river. Its nice, but Im not
sure about the lounge. Or the
restaurant to be honest.
THEO
They're nice enough. But what were
you in the mood for? (stammers) I
mean, what kind of food? Were you
hungry?
PETER
I can always eat. Its a coastal
town, what about seafood?
THEO
There's a great California-Mex
north on Market. "Way Out." Dont
ask me to explain the name.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
102
PETER
If you recommend it, Im find with
trying it. What time? Say 45
minutes? Am I picking you up?
THEO
Nah, not necessary. I can meet you
there. Im sure the concierge can
give you directions. Does your
rental have GPS? Its just about 9
miles straight up Market.
PETER
I can find it. Im a good
navigator. See you there.
THEO
Great.
Theo hangs up. He seems a bit lost in thought. His computer
screen had gone dark, and he sees his reflection.
THEO
(out loud to himself)
Oh man, am I SMILING?
EXTERIOR - SIMON'S HOUSE - LATER THAT EVENING
CUT TO
Lexi is leaving her father's and Lisa's house. Lisa is at
the door to say good bye.
LISA
Thanks again, Lexi! I had such a
great time. Really... thank you.
LEXI
(a bit off guard)
Yeah, it was really nice. I really
do appreciate your... enthusiasm.
LISA
I know its YOUR thing, but I did
feel like I hoped it would feel if
my mom had been able to help me
when I married your dad.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
103
LEXI
Really. I do mean it. It was nice
actually just spending time with
you. Im sorry that Im usually not
much of a "friend" type person. Its
just weird you know, I didnt really
know you before you and Dad... I
mean, I guess I always felt like I
had to be loyal to my Mom in some
way.
Lisa is smiling, a bit melancholy.
LISA
I think thats perfectly natural. I
know that she was a great lady. It
took ALL of your father's friends a
while to accept me. (she forces a
smile, making herself
cheerier) But! I'm glad I could be
of some help!
LEXI
Oh, you're great at this! A real
planner! It was fun. Tell Dad
thanks again.
They both stand looking at each other for just a moment, til
Lisa shrugs and leans in to give Lexi a hug. Lexi
reiprocates and has a slight smile on her face. She breaks
from the embrace and then playfully punches Lisa in the arm.
LEXI
Later 'gator.
Lisa laughs, Lexi turns to leave, and heads toward her car.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXI'S CAR - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Lexi is driving home, voice commands her phone.
LEXI
Call THEO. Mobile.
The phone lights up as it dials. It is on speaker. It rings
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 104
several times and goes to voice mail.
PHONE
"Hi, This is Theo St
Andrews. Please leave..."
Lexi disengages the phone. She voice commands again.
LEXI
Text THEO.
PHONE
"What do you want to say to THEO?"
LEXI
What the heck? Its me. Its only
10:30. Call me back.
Lexi pauses.
PHONE
Shall I send the text?
LEXI
Yes.
PHONE
You got it.
Lexi turns on the radio as she continues the drive home.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - TEN MINUTES LATER
Lexi is entering her front door, she turns on the light. She
drops her bag, takes off her shoes. She walks into the small
kitchen area, we see a light from the fridge as the door
opens. She re-enters with a soda. She flops down on the
couch, grabbing the TV remote, turning on the television. As
the screen lights the room, she mutes the sound. She picks
up her phone again, typing out a text.
"Call me in the morning. Nerd. I cant believe youre in bed
already."
She sends the text and we hear a small sound indicating it
sent. She takes a drink of the soda and turns the sound up
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
on the televison.
INTERIOR - HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
105
We see Theo's phone light up with the text. We notice there
are two men kissing in the back ground. Its Theo and
Peter. Theo does not check his phone. The phone goes dark
after a moment.
CUT TO
INTERIOR - SHORE CLUB - CONVENTIONS SPACE - A FEW DAYS LATER
Theo is standing with Margot, Felix, and Oscar in the
convention center. Lexi and Lisa are on another side of the
banquet room, talking with Peter and a few of the production
team, as well as various professionals with the Shore Club
and the production team. Many are running around with
seating charts, diagrams of where filming will be set up,
layout of the wedding.
Lexi is wearing dark sunglasses and remains mostly quiet as
Lisa directs and deals with a lot of the details with the
various personnel. Lisa turns and checks in several times to
get Lexi's opinion, Lexi nods.
Theo, Margot, Felix, and Oscar are watching the craziness
and staying a bit out of the way.
MARGOT
You... have... GOT... to be
joking. That is the famous Peter
from TED?
THEO
Yep.
FELIX
He is kind of "daddy."
OSCAR
YES he is.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
106
FELIX
In a good way.
OSCAR
VERY good way. He is smart too?
THEO
Very smart.
MARGOT
Not too smart to sex up the
Groom. I mean if we are going to be
honest...
THEO
We didnt "sex" we just made out.
MARGOT
(dubious)
Uh-huh.
FELIX
Like rabbits!
THEO
It was very... innocent really. I
mean, we already had a history...
OSCAR
Does he think you are "Bi?"
Confused? On the down-low?
THEO
I dont know. We both kind of blamed
it on the Tequila.
MARGOT
Alcohol is the devil.
THEO
Certainly a demon.
MARGOT
What did Lexi have to say about it.
Theo gets quiet, doesnt answer. Felix and Oscar get a
shocked look on their faces.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
107
OSCAR
YOU DIDNT TELL HER!!! Oh,
mister! NO more holding that Gay
Days thing over my head! You are a
daddy-whore!
THEO
SHHHH!
Theo looks around. He and Peter catch each others eyes,
there is a slight hesitation before Peter looks away, but
smiles as he does so. Quickly looks back again, then
away. Theo looks back to his friends.
MARGOT
Oh, you've got it bad.
THEO
Funny thing is, if it were not for
all of (gestures) THIS... Lexi
would be pushing me into a
relationship with him.
FELIX
You think so, huh, Papi?
OSCAR
Come on...
Oscar takes Felix by the arm.
OSCAR
Lets go look around, see whats
what.
THEO
Dont go far... you need to talk
with Peter about music. They cant
film with music they have to pay
for. It has to be classical for the
filmed portions.
FELIX
Classical? Like 60's and 70's?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
108
OSCAR
No, thats "Classic Rock." He means
all music, no words, but old stuff.
FELIX
No words? So probably no dance beat
either?
The two walk away, leaving Theo and Margot.
MARGOT
You think she would freak out if
she knew?
THEO
Nah. Not really. She is kinda ALL
consumed with how crazy this has
gotten, but I think she is treating
it like some kind of cosutme
party.
MARGOT
Does Peter know its basically a
costume party? Would HE freak out?
THEO
No. It didnt come up. But even
that, I think he would get a kick
out it, the spectacle of it. It
isnt like we are on "the Bachelor"
and its weeks and weeks of a
deception. If anyone watches it,
there wont be anybody...
invested... in Lexi and me. It'll
disappear. Its basically filler for
some cable channel.
MARGOT
(looks around)
This is a LOT of money and effort
for filler.
Lisa and Lexi continue to walk from one side of the banquet
room to the other. Lexi catches Theo's eyes and mouths the
words. "I need a drink." miming drinking a cocktail. Theo
shakes his head and wags his finger "no."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 109
Theos cell phone beeps a few times. He looks at the screen,
gets a wide eyed expression on his face.
THEO
Uh-oh.
MARGOT
Another long lost boyfriend
inviting you for coffee later?
THEO
Its about to get REALLY nuts.
Margot takes the phone and looks at the message. She looks
back to Theo and laughs.
MARGOT
HA! Your parents! We finally get to
see YOUR kin-folk! They are going
to be fun to watch.
THEO
You dont know the half of it. I
havent told them yet. They just
think Im being filmed for a work
thing.
MARGOT
A "work thing?" (laughs again) Can
I watch you explain the whole
thing? PLEASE? I dont get much
entertainment.
THEO
I may need back up.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
