OK, this is a story I started writing back in 1998, before I had ever watched an episode of "Will and Grace." At first, it was a short story. Then I thought I could make it into a novel. THEN, about 4 years ago, I started to revisit it as a screenplay. A lot of "social constructs" have changed and I am adapting the basic story to reflect that. BUT I hope you may enjoy it in its current form. Let me know what you think.
FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE
by Brian Todd Barnette
©Brian Todd Barnette
EXT. DAY, SUBURBAN MALL PARKING LOT
Cars are coming and going, people are walking into and out of the doors of mall entrance.
INT. DAY, INSIDE SAME MALL INSIDE DEPARTMENT STORE, CONT.
Normal hustle and bustle of any department store in any mall. Shoppers milling about, clerks at register, bells from PA system and soft music behind all the din. This particular department store seems to be upscale, like a Macy's.
INT. DAY, INSIDE SAME STORE, HOUSEHOLD GOODS DEPT CONT.
In the housewares department of an upscale store, there are displays of China place settings, flatware. We see a young man and a young woman walking around the displays. They are early thirties in age, dressed casually but with style. They slowly browse through the displays of the finer home goods, reading from a list and searching through the offerings. The young man points out an item and the young woman researches the list then looks at the prices, her eyes get big.
LEXI Are you kidding me? One hundred
thirty dollars for a gravy boat? I wouldn't pay that much if it was made out of the skull of an ex boyfriend.
THEO Really? Are you falling asleep
again between episodes of "Martha Stewart" and "CSI"? What do you expect? Its a wedding registry.
LEXI A gravy boat? She ain't someones
grandmother. You know she doesn't WANT a gravy boat. You're gay AND French, would YOU use a gravy boat?
THEO Im Swiss, thanks again for
remembering. Jeez, ten years later...
LEXI This is still a scam.
A scam? A ruse? A "swindle" if you please. What kind of scam?
Lexi, the young woman, rolls her eyes. She gestures around them to all of the expensive house wares.
LEXI This is all so "Edith
Wharton." She's marrying some cardiologist or something. You know he'd already have a Keurig if he wants one. This is just an excuse for her to ask for friends to spend a bunch of money on a list of items you know she will return for the cash!
THEO First, GREAT literary reference, Improud of you.
LEXI Thanks. They mentioned her on an
old episode of FRIENDS. She is a "her," right? Not like Maria Wilkie?
THEO Rainer Maria Wilke.... Secondly,
he's an anesthesiologist, not a cardiologist. and YOU are a cynic!
Analsthesiologist? Like a doctor for your butt? (shakes her head) Don't be naive. You know what I mean. You cant ask for cash. You ask for things and most of them you already have, so you return it for cash. That's what Id do. Not try and have some "three ring zoo."
THEO Circus. Its a three ring
circus. Not a three ring zoo.
THEO Well, I don't want to be cynical,
much less cheap. I'm still pissed she assumed that we'd be each others date. What if you had a boyfriend? Or if I had one?
LEXI (sweetly with a little pity)
Oh, honey. Really. BOTH of us with a boyfriend at the same time? I love your optimism. Don't change.
THEO It's possible. C'mon. Let's go back
to Williams Sonoma. We'll get her the rooster pitcher, the pepper mill, and some nice wooden spoons. Classic gifts. Some variety.
Theo gives her a stern look.LEXI Swiss?
LEXI OK, but can we get it at Target? I
swear I'm good for a few bucks, but lets not go INSANE.THEO Insane?
THEO What do you want to spend? Fiftybucks?
LEXI (mocking an auctioneer)
Do I hear thirty?
THEO Are you STILL having money
issues? I thought you went to an actual financial counselor. Or did you randomly meet one at some bar? I forget.
LEXI Ugh. You don't even want to know. I
won't even let my father and Lisa know how bad it is.
THEO Why not? I am sure your folks wouldhelp you out.
LEXI Lisa is not my "folk." And that's
all I need is something for her to use against me. Im not going to just HAND her an advantage.
THEO Grow up. She and your dad have been
married for, what, a hundred years now?
Theo fakes adding on his fingers.
THEO Five? And she's only seven years
older than you so (mimes adding numbers) carry the one...
LEXI You disgust me.
THEO You're evil.
LEXI You make me taste vomit.
THEO (fake flirting)
Are you purging? You know, you DO look a little thinner.
LEXI I can't stay mad at you.
Lexi opens arms as if to hug him, then when Theo opens his as well, she changes her hands to makes a dismissive gesture.
THEO Well, I said I'd pay for it, even
though she's technically more YOUR friend. I've only hung out with her when she was with you.
LEXI We have BOTH known her since
COLLEGE. Besides you've been to plenty of her parties. Remember Halloween s few years ago?
THEO Well, yah, but she wasn't happy
with either one of us then.
HA! That's right! The "Mouse-ka- queers!" HAHA. "Butch and Sissy."
THEO You got more laughs as "Butch" than
I did as "Sissy"
LEXI Because MINE was (air quotes)IRONIC.
THEO Whatever. So exactly HOW much in
debt are you right now?
LEXI Let's not ruin the experience of
spending money on an extravagant gift by making me think about finances.
THEO How much? Ten? Fifteen? I know your
piece of crap car must be paid off. Lexi looks at Theo and mouths the word "twenty."
THEO Oh baby, Trump change. But that's
not impossible to get out of.
LEXI For YOU maybe. You always were
better with numbers and work and adulthood.
THEO Whats your plan then?
LEXI Too late to invent Twitter I
guess. Or get a usable degree. Do you need any part time help?
Theo looks up, then nudges Lexi.
Theo motions his head in the direction of another young woman coming down the isle. She is roughly same age, dressed impeccably and carrying a very expensive handbag in the crook of an arm, holding a giant, iced coffee beverage in one hand, cellphone in the other. She is wearing sunglasses on her head.
LEXI H o l y merde. Speak of the
Kardashian. Is she actually BOUNCING?
THEO (WHISPERING) Quick! (thrusting the list at
Lexi) Hide it. Make her sweat it out.
Lexi stuffs the list into the back of Theo's pants. Theo grabs the gravy boat and holds it close to his chest, pretending to hide it in surprise.
LEXI Shauna! (sweetly) HEY lady!
Shauna stops in front of the duo. She seems simple and sweet, with a large smile. She is bobbing up and down a bit and Lexi imitates her slightly, almost matching her energy.
SHAUNA (overly sweet sing-song voice)
Well, HEY you two. Aren't you a sight?!
Lexi stops bouncing and gets a slightly annoyed look on her face.
LEXI Wow, don't you look....
Theo elbows Lexi
LEXI ...so chic.
SHAUNA You are SO sweeeet. What are you
two up to? (smiles coyly at the gravy boat) Dare I ask?
LEXI Oh YOU! (mock disappointment) Youcaught us.
SHAUNA Don't be silly, (laughs) its
sweet! Oh, but don't buy THAT for us! PLEASE! (motions to the gravy boat) My mother put that on the registry! Who uses a gravy boat??
Shauna holds her hand to her chest, turns to Theo, punching him in the arm, nodding her head, wide-eyed.
LEXI HA! DIDN'T I SAY THAT??
Theo sets the gravy boat back on the display, rubbing his arm.
THEO I believe in a more personal giftanyway.
LEXI Like a gift certificate... orsomething.
SHAUNA Oh, I just hope to have lots of
friends there! I'm so blessed already.
LEXI THEO looking at each other (together, a
little too sweetly) Awwww.
SHAUNA Seriously, its crazy. Mark has
EVERYTHING we need. I am amazed at how many family members have already just sent money! Its almost like the etiquette rules don't even apply! Maybe they think it will help pay for the wedding or the honeymoon.
LEXI (interest piqued)
How much money?
THEO LEXI! (rolls his eyes at Shauna)
SHAUNA It's ok. Its not a lot, only about
twenty five thousand.
THEO I hope the checks are in nice
envelopes at least.
No, my parents just set up a "wedding" account. Its mostly from family. I think its sweet.
LEXI THEO (TOGETHER)Sweet.
LEXI Maybe you could just get some work
done. You're HORRIBLE! (laughing)
I mean on the house... or the shop... or car... or something.
SHAUNA Well, it makes it nice to think
about planning a vacation or something. But you can't really change the world with twenty five thousand dollars. Oh listen to me (feigning slight
embarrassment) talking about money. How tacky.
Yeah...tacky. (more directly) So, they just send you money?
THEO Well, it should be a great
wedding! Such a beautiful location! I love the Gardens.
SHAUNA Me too! You know, Mark's family are
trustees. They are really rolling out the red carpet.
LEXI So.... is there, like, a minimum
buy in for a wedding gift?
Shauna turns to Lexi, still smiling and ignoring her questions.
SHAUNA You know..... I have a cousin that
I'd love to introduce to you! He's a bit younger, but he may be just your type. He's a...(searches for right word) free spirit too!Lexi smirks.
THEO Got a cousin for me? Younger iscool.
SHAUNA You are so cute! But really, I am
surprised YOU TWO just don't get married! haha.
Lexi stops, as if stunned. Looks at Theo who is grimacing.
THEO Sure, all we need is Jack and Karen
with some high jinks.
LEXI Oh.... my... God. (flatly) It's
almost crazy talk.
THEO I've been punished enough.
SHAUNA Well, really, just BE there! I have
to run. One more week and then I'm (singing) Sadie, Sadie, married lady...
Shauna waves with her fingers, giggles, and then heads off. Lexi is staring at Theo, almost scrutinizing him. He catches her.
THEO What? You almost insulted her.
LEXI I still may just buy her a toilet
plunger as a gift.
THEO Charming. Whats wrong. You look....
constipated or something.
LEXI Im just thinking.
THEO Yikes. Lets go grab some nosh,
maybe it'll pass.
CUT TO INTERIOR - RESTAURANT AT MALL - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Lexi and Theo are being seated at a small table, the hostess leaves them with two menus and walks off.
LEXI Listen, why did you make that face
when she said we should get married? You'd be LUCKY to have me!
THEO I'd be lucky to find someone with
shoulders like yours at least. (rubs his arm again) Or could throw a punch like you. Whaddaya mean 'why did I make a face?' You're a..... you have "lady parts." And you're a Libra. It'd never work.
Lexi still has a glazed look in her eye and she half smiles.
LEXI I've got an idea....
THEO (imitates Desi Arnez)
LUCY! You've better not be thunking what I think you're thunking. (normal voice) Wait, what are you thunking?
LEXI Let me see that list again.
Theo checks his pockets, cant seem to find it,
THEO Oh, yeah...
Theo reaches around and pulls the list from the back of his pants, presses it to his chest, smoothing it out. Hands it to Lexi. She takes the list and looks over it a moment. Looks up.
LEXI I want a wedding!
THEO Ooooooo...k. Good luck with that
whole "white dress" thing. Who's the lucky lad?
A waiter appears and sets down a bread basket with a side of olive oil.
WAITER Hello, welcome. May I tell you
about our specials today? (doesn't wait for reply) Our fish is a maple glazed salmon served with oven roasted zucchini and garlic polenta , our soup is a creamy potato with spinach, and todays appetizer is fried sweet corn nuggets served with local honey for dipping.LEXI Sure.
LEXI Sure, you can tell us the specials.
WAITER Um... thats it.
THEO Ignore her. (to Lexi) Wanna just
share the salmon?
LEXI Well, let me look over the...
THEO Im buying.
LEXI (to the waiter)
Go ahead and bring the corn nuggets too then, thank you.
WAITER And what do you care to
drink? Something from the bar? Theo cuts Lexi off.
THEO Iced tea please. For both of us.
Mine with a lime.
WAITER Thank you.
Waiter takes the menus and leaves Lexi waits just a moment then dives into the bread basket.
THEO OK, help me understand this. You
are looking for an "insta-husband?"
LEXI Not a husband silly, a wedding.
Theo makes a gesture of confusion.
LEXI Think about it, you and me tell our
family we are getting married. Your family is loaded, they'd be HAPPY to throw a bunch of change at you! My dad would rob a bank to marry me off!
THEO US? You're kidding right? My family
knows I'm NOT "the marrying type." They know all about my fantasy husband.
LEXI Bullshit! They'd fall into a coma
just to think you would actually just get married already, regardless of your fondness for photographs of European Rugby players .
THEO Those books are ART! Besides, your
friends would never buy it. They refer to me as your "girlfriend."
LEXI (playfully dismissive)
Ha! ALL in fun! Still, think of it like a party.
THE0 What about your family? You think
they'd actually believe it? Even your dad?
LEXI I don't think he'd care if I
married a prison pen-pal if he just thought I could officially be "MRS." Somebody. And he has asked how "close" we are on more than a few occasions.
THEO You're nuts. Why are we even
LEXI COME ON! Don't be selfish! When do
I ever ask you for ANYTHING? Plus it would finally fix your "immigration" issue.
THEO Um, my father is Swiss national,
mother is American and I was born at Cedar's. I dont have an immigration issue. You really pay no attention to the details of the lives of others, do you? What the hell would I get out of it? Besides unnecessary "Americanization?"
LEXI Didn't you want to refinance your
home loan? Or business loan? Or car insurance? Something. Anyway, you can keep whatever your family gives, or donate it to Boys Without Shirts or some such thing....
THEO I don't even know whether to
continue this... are you serious?
LEXI Think about it, it's no big
deal. Like when Marissa married Eddie for citizenship.
THEO Well, thats KIND of a felony.
LEXI But "companionship" is a legitimate
reason to get married. Even the Catholic church says so.
THE0 Oh so now you're Catholic?
LEXI You're missing the point. We aren't
throwing an actual "wedding," we'd just be getting married and raking in the gifts! Justice o'the peace or something. Let it ride a year and then "oops" we realize that it "...isn't working
out." Done. Nobody gets hurt.
THE0 And you'd have no problem
misleading your entire family?
LEXI WHAT MISLEAD? We're friends, we
love each other. Why not get gifts for that? Our relationship has outlasted PLENTY of marriages.
THEO So you really are serious?
LEXI I think its PERFECT! Are you
worried about YOUR family?
THE0 I don't think they'd be all that
interested in giving a bunch of money....
LEXI But they're probably good for somehousewares.
THE0 So now YOU need a rooster pitcher
or a toilet plunger?
LEXI Do you think its too much to just
go ahead and register at Wells Fargo? Or is Citi-bank more "chic?"
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - AN HOUR OR SO LATER
Lexi is adding up a list in her head and speaking out loud while Theo is driving.
LEXI So, all together, thats about
thirty two members of my family... potential gift givers. Even at just $50 a pop... thats what....
THEO Thats just $1600 sweetie...
LEXI Ugh... thats it??? I hate math.
THEO Thats not math's problem baby. But
it IS a numbers game. Look, you need twenty K right?
LEXI Itd be nice.
THEO Then one hundred gifts at two
hundred each. You better have some very happy family members who really want to give you away.
LEXI Is two hundred bucks a lot of
money? I mean NORMALLY?
THEO Or you could find twice as many who
are only half as happy. And remember, you may end up just getting some gifts from Target.... you know... for those who dont go "insane."
LEXI Whatever. Even if its only half of
what I need, its something. But I think we could spin this thing.
THEO Why am I even discussing this? NO.
LEXI I went as your date to that thing,
that one time, because YOU needed a cover.
THEO What "thing?"
LEXI That thing, you know, that business
convention or whatever. You remember, I ended up making out with that distributor you were trying to impress?
Yeah, great cover. Anyway, you BEGGED me to bring you because it was a weekend in Vegas. I didn't need a cover.
LEXI Well, still, When he asked, I said
nice things about you. Im sure it helped SOMEHOW.
THEO Well, they did end up having me
design their logo.
LEXI See?! C'mon. Its your turn.
THEO I think you're crazy.
LEXI Being married opens doors for you
too ya know. Its not like Im asking for a baby.
THEO I think you just have dollar signs
in front of your eyes because of what Shauna said. First you hated the idea of a scam, now you're creating some kind of Wile E Coyote diabolical plan for a wedding haul.
LEXI Dont be dramatic. If worst comes to
shove you could just think of it like the housewarming you never had. You'll get a few nice things too!THEO Push.
THEO If "push" comes to shove. Not"worst."
THEO Just stop talking about it for
now? Cool? Let me think? Lexi, sits back and lets out a breath.
LEXI Whew. I am scheming my ass
off. This whole wedding planning is exhausting!
THEO Uh.... yeah.
CUT TO EXTERIOR - SIDE STREET - VIEW OF THEO'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Theo's car drives on.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - NEXT DAY - MORNING
Theo is drinking coffee and working on the computer. He is designing a graphic logo for a company, and listening to a morning news station reporter. The reporter is doing a story on marriage.
REPORTER With the growing instances of
marriage equality, we wanted to find out what the advantages were for two active wage earners to actually combine their resources and what steps folks should take when trying the knot.
Theo stops and turns to the television.
REPORTER ...for example, the tax benefits
for those earning above a certain mean income alone make the idea of marriage financially advantageous. Not to mention the savings on car, home and health insurance premiums. Did you know that married professionals are also better credit risks? That can equal thousands of dollars a year in interest on everything from your auto and home loans to business loans, combined with better tax advantages on investment income. It seems that LOVE is not the only reason to consider getting hitched! Live from the court house, this is...
Theo turns off the television. He stands still for a moment, then goes to his desk, pulls out a file we see labeled as "TAX RETURNS" and he opens it, reading quickly through several pages. He closes the file, returns it to the drawer. He looks on the book shelf next to his desk, there are several small framed photos of various people but he concentrates on a collage frame with the word "FRIENDS for LIFE" on it. There are a few varying photos of Theo and Lexi together; on vacation, at the beach, dressed up at a party, riding horses. Theo thinks for a moment then grabs his cell phone and dials Lexi. She answers.
LEXI (over the phone)You rang?
THEO So I was thinking..
THEO Lets do it.
ALTERNATING SHOTS BETWEEN LEXI AND THEO
INTERIOR - CROWDED CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL CENTER - LEXI'S SMALL CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Really? You'll make an honest woman out of me?!
THEO I'll go one better. I'll make a
DISHONEST woman out of you. One condition.
LEXI You name it.
THEO I want a loan to expand the
business. You keep everything from your family, I'll hit my family up too. Whats yours is yours, and whats mine is mine.
THEO Sure... actually that's a great
idea. This can't impact our friendship. No drama. No games. Its strictly business.
LEXI Like the Bible intended marriage tobe! Done.
THEO OK, call me later. Come over after
work and we can sort this out.
LEXI Id like a late spring wedding.
THEO No gimmicks. Courthouse, two
witnesses, no consummation.
LEXI OK. When can I register?
THEO Lets deal with your dad first. He's
the only one I worry about pissing off.
LEXI He'll be thrilled. No worries.
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING
Lexi is with her father and his wife, Lisa, around a nice table.
MR. SIMONS You're WHAT???
Lexi is trying to maintain an upbeat attitude.
LEXI Getting married! I thought you'd bethrilled?
MR. SIMONS Thrilled? I WOULD be thrilled, but ... isn't Theo... I mean..
after all this time I thought he might be .... gay? Right?
LEXI Well, yeah, he's also European, so
it confuses a lot of folks.
LISA What do you mean confuses them? So
he's homosexual AND European then?
LEXI European and METROsexual.
LISA Is that still a thing?
MR. SIMONS Im confused. Are you getting
married because... wait... why? Why are you getting married?
Hey, Im as shocked as YOU are that I'm not married already. (more animated) But Theo and I, we do love each other. We've been MORE than best friends forever. Its kind of like ... the next step.
MR. SIMONS the next step for FRIENDS?
LEXI MORE than friends...
LISA He's a very sweet boy.
Lexi looks at Lisa, blank stare.LEXI (dryly)
Boy? He's practically YOUR age.
LISA I just mean, I think its great.
Honey (to Mr. Simons) I think its great! You've said before you thought they should "go ahead and get married." Well, now they are.
MR. SIMONS Well, I didn't really think... I
mean I thought he was... wait... I'm still confused. Who asked who?
LEXI DAD! Sheesh! Besides, this isnt
the fifties or something?
MR. SIMONS So... what? Its the 70's?
Lexi laughs, despite herself. Attempts to give her dad a high-five.
LEXI HA! I got that.
Mr. Simons does not return the effort for a high-five, leaving Lexi's hand in the air. He maintains a quizzical expression. He looks to his wife. Lexi drops her hand.
LISA I think its .... great, Lexi. I
want to help. Are you going to plan a wedding?
LEXI Not really a... wedding,
MR. SIMONS (under his breath) "not really" a wedding.
Lisa looks a little disappointed, Lexi notices. She looks slightly confused but tries to keep the excitement.
LEXI ...but maybe a nice reception. I
don't want to spend a lot of money...
LEXI ANY-body's money... on a fancy
"wedding," but to have family get together for a reception... you know, gifts, and cake... celebrating, music... and, um... you know.. presents and stuff. I mean, give everyone a chance to really meet Theo.
Lexi checks her dad for some type of reaction. Decides to play a card.
LEXI You never know, we MAY actually
decide to have a kid. Mr. Simons seems to perk up a bit.
MR. SIMONS What does HIS family think of this?
LEXI Oh, I don't know yet, but Im sure
they will be... um... thrilled. INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING
Knock on the door, and Theo walks in, he has his own key. Lexi comes in from her back bedroom.
THEO Now that the coast is
clear... How'd it go?
LEXI Oh..my... stop it. They LITERALLY
left, like, days ago. Where've you been?
Theo looks at her as he walks past, raises his eyebrows.
THEO "Literally?" I shall never
understand your failure to grasp what that word actually implies.
LEXI Do you mean "literally" implies?
Theo walks to the kitchen, looks at a large assortment of canned and bottled beverages, diet sodas, lite beer, skim milk, surrounded by to go containers from restaurants.
THEO Do you never buy any bottled water?
LEXI No, I'm on a diet, but I've got
plenty of diet soda...
THEO (shakes his head)
He returns to the common room, sits down across from Lexi, who is busy texting someone.
THEO Who are you texting now?
LEXI April. I am going to need some help
Theo leaps out of his seat, grabs the phone, deleting the texts....
THEO NO! I told you, baby steps. First
LEXI You are literally giving me gout...
Theo holds up his hand to silence her.
THEO One challenge at a time, please.
LEXI What about your family? When are
you going to tell them? When are we going to do this?
THEO I've been thinking, I don't want to
fool my family into traveling thousands of miles for a sham...
LEXI We're GOING to have a party TOO...it'll be fun.
THEO Let's debate what "fun" is later,
but still, I will fill them in afterward. I am too old to expect them to raise a huge fanfare...
LEXI "Fanfare?" That does make you SOUNDkinda old.
STILL.... this is mainly for your benefit, I won't add the expense of an international flight and a week of a charade (he pronounces it sha- ROD) to their confusion.
oohhh... "sha-ROD." Is that one of you "Swish" words?
THEO I am SWISS.
LEXI I know what I said.
THEO C'mon, lets really talk about what
we're doing. Can you make a list?
Lexi stretches a bit and grabs a magazine, takes out perfume sample, rubs it on her wrist, makes a face, then pulls out a subscription insert and mimes grabbing a pen, she tests it on the back of her hand, then looks at Theo. He looks dumbfounded.
THEO Mon Dieu.
LEXI (still mocking)
What shall we list, my dear sir?
THEO Knock it off...
He pulls a pad out of his messenger bag, along with a nice ball-point pen, he removes the cap. Lexi just watches then makes a sarcastic face.
LEXI Whoop! Whoop! Nerd-alert, nerd-
alert! Theo sits back down.
THEO OK, so firstly, lets decide on when
this is to happen.
LEXI How soon is too soon?
THEO Relax, your bills can wait a bit
longer. I'd say we need two months to adequately alert your relatives, explain to our friends that this is not an actual joke, and allow them all time to react and plan accordingly.
LEXI Lisa wants to help plan it all.
THEO What? Why?
LEXI Dunno. I think she missed out on
her own, kind of like living voraciously.
THEO Vicariously.LEXI Huh?
THEO The phrase is "living vicariously."
Voraciously just means she's really hungry.
LEXI Well... she's "really" hungry to
try and live out her fantasy wedding.
THEO I dont remember. WHY didn't she and
your dad have a wedding?
LEXI She took care of elderly parents or
something, in Chicago. Kind of a nurse maid for them for a lot of years. So, when she met my dad, there wasn't really any of her own family, and Dad already had a big wedding with my mom evidently. Just kinda wasn't in the cards.
Theo looks a little impressed.
THEO Wow. That's rather sad. I didn't
know you knew that much about her.
LEXI Yeah, for real. She doesn't talk
about it much. I read her journal. Theo looks mildly shocked.
THEO Why am I not surprised?
LEXI Hey, she was GOING to have it
published as a memoir.THEO Really?
LEXI Nah. I was snooping. HEY, back toMY party...
THEO So, no wedding event, we go to the
courthouse, just a reception, that way nobody notices there's not a "grooms" side.
LEXI Well, they might ask.
THEO Well, it would be rude if they made
a big deal about it. Lexi raises her eyebrows.
THEO Oh... yeah. Well. Still. I can have
a bunch of friends show up, I mean, if its a party.
LEXI We gonna have a band?
THEO I am NOT hiring some poor excuse
for an Eighties cover band. Lexi makes a face as if pouting.
THEO Although.... I DO have a friend
with the symphony, I can get a quartet, he owes me a favor.
LEXI A quartet? What? Like barber-shopguys? Pass.
THEO I meant a quartet, as in strings...
violin, cello.. never mind, it will be elegant.
LEXI Got any liquor buddies that owe you
a favor? Maybe we could have an open bar, call in a shit!THEO What?
LEXI Call in a shit...THEO Do WHAT?
LEXI you know... somebody "owes you afavor."
THEO A "chit."LEXI What?
THEO Its "call in a chit." (more
seriously) Well, a bar WOULD help your "kin folk" to forget about the Grooms missing family. (He thinks of something) HEY! I DO have a chit to call in!
Lexi looks confused, then makes a face as if smelling something awful.
GROSS! How do you call in a shit? (MORE)
(cont'd) (she laughs at herself.)
THEO Cretin. Somebody DOES owe me a
favor. A craft beer distributor, Im sure we can have some free beer!
LEXI "Craft" beer? Like "Pink Dandelion
Summer-ale?" (she laughs at her own attempt at sarcasm)
THEO Beer out of an actual glass bottle
wouldn't exactly kill your family, would it?
LEXI (stops mocking)
... as long as its free.
THEO Back to planning, you may at least
let Lisa and your Dad pay for notices and reception invitations.
LEXI Why not just email?
THEO Ugh. OK, you need an
intervention. Lets just set the date and then tomorrow I'm calling in some reinforcements. If we plan it right, maybe I can at least turn the Groom's side into a work opportunity, do some networking. PROVIDED your clan can resist turning it into an episode of Hee-Haw.
LEXI Hee-Haw? OK, I dont think you're
even from Norway. Your family is from "them thar hills" and you're faking this whole European thing.
THEO Swiss. Swiss. SWITZERLAND. Not
Norway. Not Denmark. Not Holland.
LEXI (holds up her hands as if she is weighing two objects)who can tell?
Theo pulls out his tablet and begins looking through his calendar.
THEO So, lets plan on two months out. A
Saturday, that makes it October, the fifteenth.
LEXI OCTOBER? Who gets married inOctober?
THEO But its just a PARTY! Get your head
in the game. This is YOUR scheme.
LEXI Right, right. Money, gifts, think
of the haul, gotcha. Well, its after summer so people will have already planned vacations, and just before Christmas season begins on Halloween, so maybe they will feel flush with cash!
THEO You think Christmas season begins
on Halloween? Oy. That explains SO much.
NEXT MORNING- INTERIOR - LEXI'S OFFICE CUBICLE
Lexi is looking at wedding planning websites on her computer, she sees photos of lots of happy brides in fancy dresses, some with scores of flowers and bridesmaids. She makes a face as if she finds it all ridiculous, but she
keeps looking at them. Finds a simple photo of an elegant bride in a chic but simple dress, romantic but modern, solitary. Lexi's look softens and becomes almost wistful. She cocks her head and seems lost in thought.
A coworker, Debra, pops up behind her, a brash, young woman, mid twenties, wide eyed with way too much energy.
DEBRA HEY!!! Whats THIS?? Wedding
sites???? Girrrrllll, whats going ON? Are you getting serious with someone? DISH!
Lexi is startled, jumps a bit in her chair, goes to try and close the website but instead, she unmutes it and there is now organ music (Wedding March, etc) blaring from the computer. She fumbles trying to silence it again.
LEXI Relax, mouth. Its nothing. Just
looking into.... potential markets... for...
DEBRA ...for a WEDDING? Who's the fella?
LEXI (looking around, irritated, making sure no one else is listening)
Will you be QUIET?! Really. We aren't at a B-B-Q. (she enunciates the spelling sarcastically, the effect is lost on Debra)
DEBRA A BARBEQUE! Great idea! A SOUTHERN
style wedding would be FUN! The wedding party could all be barefoot!
LEXI (looks genuinely stunned)
What is WRONG with you? Now a few other co-workers have become interested in the
COWORKER 1 A wedding? WHO'S? Lexi's? You
CANNOT be serious.
COWORKER 2 SO FUN! Only, if you decide on a
barefoot wedding you should really offer pedicures for your bridesmaids...
COWORKER 1 That would be a great bachelorette
party idea! Like a spa-day! Lexi is overcome with disbelief.
LEXI Is EVERYONE here nuts?
COWORKER 2 Ooohhh.... wedding planning CAN be
drive you nuts! You know what YOU need... you need a professional!
LEXI YOU need a "professional." Get away
from me. All of you. Lexi gets up and walks away from the group.
DEBRA She will NEVER survive a wedding
planning with a short temper like that.
COWORKER 2 I wonder who could have even ASKEDher?
I give it a year.
COWORKER 1 (shaking their head)
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo and three of his friends, two young men, flamboyant, and a woman, stout, serious, are sitting in his small living room, having coffee and just beginning to talk.MARGOT
You have to be joking. The nutty
Shiksa? Margot is around 30, no nonsense, but affable and friendly.
THEO I know. Its crazy. But besides
being able to potentially help Lexi out, it may give me some opening into tackling a lot of... "social" situations at conventions when folks ask if youre married.
FELIX But there is marriage equality,
papi. Why not just have a fake husband?
THEO It may be legal in most states, but
some of these corporate types arent as enlightened, still. I dont think they give a rats ass either way, but just saying I had a wife would be one less box they check off in their minds. Heck, some of the men I have met at these places would actually take it as an invitation to explore some "down low." But I am not planning on marrying anyone else anytime soon, and like I said, it would help Lexi.
OSCAR That chica is crazy. Alls I'msaying.
MARGOT So what exactly do you need, why
our help? It isnt like youre trying (MORE)
MARGOT (cont'd) to really fool any of YOUR
friends. Or her family, if I recall. Didn't her dad once ask you the difference between the People's Choice and the Cable Ace Awards because, and I quote, "you people love the dress up shows."
THEO But he was genuinely curious.
OSCAR Are we your party planners?
FELIX We can throw you a party!
THEO Not really, but Lexi just needs
help being a bit more....
MARGOT Feminine? Believable?
THEO Jeez, what have I agreed to? (more
directly) Well, really, yes, yes, and yes.
FELIX Whats your budget? What is our fee?
Theo looks at Felix in disbelief, then raises his eyebrows.
THEO Lets just say you owe me.
OSCAR How so.
THEO (quiet for a moment then slowly, looking from Felix to Oscar)
2005. Disney World. Gay Days. Felix and Oscar look at each other. Then back to Theo.
OSCAR That was a long time ago, whoremembers?
THEO I still have actual negatives. Not
just snaps from a cell phone. Felix nudges Oscar, motions him to be quiet.
FELIX (whispering to Oscar)
Its NOT pretty.
OSCAR Ok papi. But you cannot keep usingthat.
FELIX So unfair. We were so young.
Felix and Oscar. The "Odd Couple."
OSCAR Listen lady, I told you already I
dont understand that nicks name.
MARGOT I will do what I can to help, but
she never makes it easy. I may not be the most "lady-like" but she is dangerously inept.
Theo half smiles, tries to be thoughtful.
THEO Well, she can be challenging. But
when she is committed to a goal...
MARGOT ...she half-asses it!
THEO Thats a bit unfair. Like what?
MARGOT Any kind of fashion trend. Didn't
she try to make her own self tanning lotion once?
OSCAR Oh yes! Mistake!
FELIX Day-glo gal! I remember! She wasn't
even "orange!" She was ELECTRIC for a week!
THEO To be fair, she did get the recipe
from a magazine.
MARGOT "Fangora?"THEO Be nice.
MARGOT And that whole "anal bleaching"fiasco!
Oscar and Felix begin to laugh hysterically, falling over each other.
THEO (sincerely defensive for Lexi)
Oh c'mon! That was a HOT trend! There were LEGITIMATE celebrity stories about it!
Oscar and Felix can barely contain themselves, incoherent with laughter. Margot seems nonplussed.
It was! Even the ladies on "The View" were talking about trying it!
MARGOT Yeah. (deadpan) But not with "Crest
White Strips." Oscar and Felix explode again with laughter. Theo shrugs.CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXIS APARTMENT- NEXT DAY
Lexi is responding to a knock on her door. She opens it and Lisa breezes in, attempting a kiss on Lexi's cheek. Lexi absentmindedly wipes it off. Lisa seems very excited.
LISA Come... sit down. I have some...fun news.
Lisa goes to sit at Lexi's small kitchen table. Feels it gently with her hand and rubs her fingers together. She almost frowns. She pulls out a chair, inspecting the seat.
LEXI Um... let me wipe off the table.
(She shrugs) Guess I better learn how to clean a kitchen for my husband! (nudges Lisa as if she is sharing an inside joke)
That'd really be a nice start... (Remembering why she really came) Listen, dont hate me...
Lexi stops at the kitchen sink where she was wetting a paper towel. Turns to look at Lisa.
Um, Im not promising.... What?
Lisa is practically giddy. Lexi begins to look a little concerned, wipes down the table.
LISA I really wanted to help you plan a
great reception, or party, or whatever. But you know that one of my friends, well, the husband of my friend Katie, his family owns the Shore Club. I told Katie that you were going to get married and wasn't planning a wedding, but Donald, her husband, said that they really want to get some of the wedding and local party business...LEXI OK....
THEY WANT TO HOST YOUR WEDDING! An ACTUAL wedding, not just a party!!
LEXI You must be shitting me. They want
to excuse me come again what?
LISA Well, they want to expand their
local life-style magazine "Shore Life" and do a feature, they can use in promoting services and destination something or other, I didnt get all the details...
LEXI Sure. Details... unimportant...
LISA In any event, he said they have an
actual budget to throw a REAL wedding! It would have to be limited...
LISA Sure, no circus, check...
LISA But, I mean, come on.... isn't that
great? You can have an actual wedding and it will be fantastic and FREE!
Lisa seems a bit irritated at first, but she seems to have a sudden idea, and gets a bit more interested.
LEXI Let me get this straight, Dad won't
have to actually pay for anything for this? What does he say?
LISA Honey, I know he'd want to do what
he could to help and support whatever you'd like, but, and can you keep a secret?
LEXI If I have to.
LISA He wanted to take the money it
would have cost and just give it as a gift. He knows it could help out in some of your other.... pay your... he just thought it would be nice to give you a gift.
Lisa makes a very discreet, although noticeable, hand pump. Regains some composure.
LEXI So who is this dude, exactly? When
can we talk to him?
LISA Well, we are supposed to call the
Conventions Manager, his name is Mark, or Matt, something... but he said he had to present a full idea to his team but would like to talk
LISA (cont'd) with you as soon as possible...LEXI Today?
Lisa looks pleasantly surprised.
LISA Wow. I thought I would have to
really convince you. I will call him, I have his card here somewhere. I wanted to help you plan something nice, but this is a really great surprise.
LEXI Oh, I think its just one of a few
surprises about this whole thing.
LISA Do you think Theo will be OK with
something like this? He seems like he is the type that likes... um... festivities.
LEXI HA! He might need the Pony anddance show.
LISA The what?
LEXI Pony and dance show. You know, a
LISA OH, you mean "song and dance."
LEXI Horses cant sing. I think you're
confused. But still, I can ease him into it.
LISA What is your schedule like todaythen?
LEXI Im open, I have a report to file,
but its just month-end stuff.
LISA But its the 15th.
LEXI LAST month, chill. Jeez, you and my
boss. Lisa half smiles, mildly hiding confusion and concern.
LISA OK, let me find his card.
Lisa is rifling through her wallet. She is pulling out a lot of "rewards" cards. Lexi is reading them.
LEXI Quiznos, Blimpies, Subway,
Firehouse, Potbelly, jeez... SUB much?
LISA Your father just loves a goodgrinder.
GROSS! Why on earth would you feel the need to tell me that?
LISA (slightly confused, then finds the card she was looking for)
Here it is! Phillip Richards.
LEXI Where the hell did you get Mark? OrMatt?
LISA Mark and Matt who?
Lisa begins dialing the number on her cell phone. She reaches out and takes Lexi's hand. Lexi is a bit wary. Lisa looks at Lexi's nails.
LISA Wouldn't you enjoy a manicure?
LEXI A whats-it? Why with the hands andthe feet?
LISA They should look nice, or at least
clean. (into the phone) Hello, Phillip? This is Lisa Simons, Donald said I should call you about a possible event at the
resort? Yes.... Yes.... Yes, John is my husband. Yes, he was very proud of the building. Yes. Im at Lexi's now, she is my...
Lexi raises an eyebrow.
LISA ...she is John's daughter. Yes, I
know, hard to believe. Yes, (laughs) Im not really old enough to be her mother...
Lexi makes a slight face. Lisa softens her look at Lexi and squeezes her hand.
LISA I'd like to think we are friends,
though. Lexi makes a gesture as if to get Lisa to speed it up.
LISA We were wondering when we could
come in and speak to you about planning something. How about later today? Yes, it is a bit short notice, but not really a rush. Really? That would be lovely. Yes, we will be there. Thank you! We look forward to it!
Lisa ends the phone call.
LISA OK, he can meet with us at four
o'clock. Hopefully that will give us enough time?
LEXI For what?
Lisa half smiles. Gives Lexi a long once-over look.
LISA Is that what you're wearing?
CUT TO INTERIOR - SHORE CLUB - CONVENTIONS SPACE - LATER THAT DAYMONTAGE
Phillip greets Lisa and Lexi as they enter an elegant but simple hotel lobby at the Shore Club. Lisa, Lexi, and Phillip are walking around the conventions space. Clips of previewing photos from small weddings, receptions. Someone brings a glass of champagne to Lisa and Lexi. Lexi gulps it down, the server begins to take it, Lexi indicates "no" and shakes the glass back and forth, indicating her desire for another. Lisa forces a smile for Phillip, who remains professionally pleasant. They walk through the space and out onto a large, elegant, wooden deck with arbors overlooking the beach. The server begins to approach with a tray with two glasses of champagne, Lisa intercepts before Lexi can see, and the server hides the glass behind her, and backs away. Lexi catches her, coaxes her back. The waitress looks to Phillip, who slightly nods and mouths "last one." Lexi takes both.CUT TO
INT. SHORE CLUB - ABOUT AN HOUR LATER
Lexi, Lisa, and Phillip are in an elegant suite of the hotel. Lexi is tipsy but not sloppy. She feels compelled to "feel" much of the furniture and artwork in the room. Lisa gently continues to remove Lexi's hands from this activity.
PHILLIP So, this is one of our finest
suites, the "Daybreak Suite," with the best views from the corner of the top floor. The vista encompasses a panoramic of the ocean.
Lexi, tipsily repeats some of Phillips words.
LEXI (a little tipsy)
Vis-TAH..... PAN-oh-RAM-ic... Lisa fights a slight smile, a bit of embarrassed.
LISA Lexi, sweetie.... why dont you go
in and splash some cool water on the back of your neck. Maybe you got a little.... over heated...
LEXI COOOOOOOOL water....
Lexi seems to snap out of a reverie but is only slightly embarrassed at her condition.
LEXI Sounds good, chica.
Lexi walks to a door and opens it.
LEXI Closet. (laughs) Hey, Theo? You in
there? (laughs again)
She walks to another door, opens it, it is an elaborate bathroom.LEXI BINGO!
Lexi goes in and closes the door behind her. We hear her fom behind the closed door.
LEXI DAY-YUM! Now THIS is what they mean
by PISS ELEGANT! Lisa seems almost mortified.
PHILLIP Will she be ok? She didn't drive
herself did she?
LISA She'll be fine. No, she drove with
me. I think she is just a bit.... overwhelmed... at all of this. I'm just thrilled for her. I'm trying not to live vicariously, John and I didnt have a wedding or
reception. I'm also grateful for the time it gives me to spend with Lexi. It will be lovely.
PHILLIP I dont have to tell you that we are
also grateful for the opportunity to showcase such a happy occasion for a local couple! And it wasn't nepotism, it just seemed to be perfect timing all the way around!
LISA Well, the Shore Club is stunning. I
know John is very proud of the work you did together on the expansion!
PHILLIP (nodding toward the bathroom)
Are you certain she is ok?
Lisa's cell phone rings. She checks the caller ID, its Lexi. Lisa seems a bit perplexed.
LISA Lexi? Sweetie? Are you ok? (pause)
No. (pause) What do you mean "are you supposed to insert it?" (pause) NO! (pause) No, they fold the toilet tissue into a point
LISA (cont'd) for aesthetics. (pause) "To look
pretty." (pause) No, I'm not shi..."lying" to you. I promise. Yes, please.
We hear Lexi give a hoot of laughter.
LEXI (from behind the door)WHEE!
LISA (still into the phone)Its a bidet.
We hear a toilet flush. Lisa looks at Phillip who is barely controlling a laugh. Lisa is very emabarassed.
LISA (whispering loudly)
NO! You dont have to refold it.
A moment later, Lexi opens the door,holding a small basket of face cloths, folded into pretty rosettes.
LISA Can you believe this? These areWASHCLOTHS!
Phillip is smiling, Lisa is embarrassed, Lexi returns the basket to the bathroom.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo and Lexi are sitting on his couch. Lexi is slumped with her head thrown back.
LEXI (slowly, as if pained)
Can't you just give me a break?
THEO You must still be drunk.
LEXI Not my fault. They musta served me
the good stuff.
THEO No screw caps? Im happy for you.
LEXI Don't be mad. Its still a goodthing.
THEO I didn't want a big "to do." It'll
just be awkward. I mean, come on, we aren't fooling anyone. They know we are not a real couple.
Lexi sits upright.
LEXI Hey, its all just fantasy
anyway. And most of our family will just dig being at a party. How is it different from arranged weddings in places like India, or High- society? You know, like that TV show all the snooty gays go nuts over.
THEO First, "Downton Abbey" isnt an
"instructional how to." Secondly, we aren't in Colonial India, and lastly, you aren't exactly...
Lexi gets an stern look on her face.
...WE aren't exactly "high society" in the early 20th Century. This won't be a fashion spread for a Ralph Lauren ad in Vanity Fair.
LEXI Think of the benefits. Dad is going
to throw some bucks my way because he's off the hook. Thats the whole point of this.
THEO You're charade (pronounces it "sha-
rod") notwithstanding, it still puts a lot of pressure on me. Now Id have to invite MY family or it will look really odd. If it was just a party or reception, I could bluff my way through it. Now its going to be blown out of all proportion.
LEXI (overly dramatic)
For the love of ALL creation, why do you have to be so dramatic?Theo laughs.
LEXI They arent going to announce it in
the damned New York Times for God's sake.
THEO Didnt you say there were going to
do a magazine spread on it? Post it on Facebook? Film it?
LEXI Well.... yeah.... but... I mean,
BIG DEAL. Why NOT invite your family? When's the last time you even saw them? Hell, Ive only met your mother ONCE. And you told me NOT to talk!
THEO You just wouldnt understand my
family. Not together. Not as a group.
LEXI You think I dont measure up. You
think Im low class.
THEO Ugh. Now who's being overlydramatic?
LEXI What? Its a simple wedding. At a
small hotel. Its not the Daytona 500. I think YOU'RE having hysterectomies.
THEO (stumped, then thinks he realizes the mistake)
Do you mean histrionics?
LEXI What? (confused) Like in stereo
equipment? (shakes her head) You're confusing me. Look, just invite a few of your family. If they dont show, we just tell everyone that it was too far and not enough time to plan.
THEO Its two months away. Who cant plan
a trip in two months time? Im not asking them to throw some clothes in a trash bag and jump in the car. Travel is not usually an obstacle for my family. At least not my mother.... anyway....
LEXI Well, LAH-DEE-DAH Your Highness.
THEO Don't be mad. This just ups thegame.
LEXI I told Lisa that you'd need a
whole whole Pony and Dance show.
THEO The what?
LEXI Pony and Dance show. And YES, I
know horses dont actually sing.
THEO Dog and pony show.
LEXI HA! Gotcha! Dogs dont sing either,smart ass!
THEO Damn. (sarcastically) You winagain.
LEXI Just do this for me...
please? Think of it as an adventure.
THEO There really isn't a way OUT at
this point is there?
LEXI Not if you want to live.
THEO OK, but you have to let Margot and
the Odd Couple help us.
LEXI Felix and Oscar? Ok, but why
Margot? She hates me.
THEO She doesn't hate you. She just
doesnt get your... humor.
LEXI now, I bet SHE thinks Im trash!
THEO Not at all. OK, Im still on
board. But seriously, no more surprises. Agreed?LEXI Agreed.
INTERIOR - LISA'S HOME - A DAY OR SO LATER
LEXI THEY WHAT?
LISA They want to broadcast it. On the
"I Thee Wed" show. Wedding TV or something.
LEXI No. No, no, no, no, no.
LISA What? You dont want to?
LEXI No. I mean, no. I mean, yes, I want
to, but Theo... Theo will KILL ME.
LISA Well, he'd have to agree. I mean,
they'd pay him as well.
LEXI Its already such a planning
nightmare for his family. They have to coordinate... wait... What? PAY? What do you mean?
LISA Phillip said that since the Shore
Club is already organizing the actual event, that the producers of the show have agreed to pay you and Theo to allow them to broadcast it
LEXI PAY? Like cash? What are we talking
about here? How much?
LISA I dont know. It isnt like you are
actors. I assume its a nominal payment for the rights. Im certain there will be a pretty extensive appearance contract though. They need to indemnify themselves.
LISA I really have no idea,
sweetheart. Im not in television. Lexi reaches over to a small desk and gets a phone.
LEXI Here. Call him. Find out.
LISA Will Theo say no?
LEXI Relax. I can handle Theo. I just
need the deets.
LISA The what?
LEXI Deets. Details. The "411," the"info."
LISA You CANNOT be that much youngerthan I am.
LEXI Just call him. I just want to know.
LISA Its late. He's probably at home. I
can call him tomorrow.
LEXI Didnt you say youre friends with
his wife? Kinky? Cat-lady?LISA Katie.
LEXI So call him at home. Just say we
were discussing it.
Lisa is a little hesitant, but takes the phone from Lexi and dials the number. She half smiles at Lexi. Looks at her hands again.
LISA You sure? No manicure? (into
phone) KATIE! Hey, hon, its Lisa. (pause) Yes, Phillip was lovely, we are excited. (pause) Listen, I really HATE to bug Donald at home, but thats why I was calling. I was talking with Lexi and she just had a question. (pause) Yes, very excited. (pause) Yes, thats why Im calling. I told her and she just got really excited about the possibility and wanted to ask a few questions. I hope its alright.
Lisa covers the phone with her hand, looks sternly at Lexi as she hands her the receiver.LISA BE NICE.
Lexi grunts, takes the phone, puts a big fake smile on her face, and winks at Lisa.
LEXI Donald! (overly sweetly) Hello,
thank you SO much for indulging me. (pause) Oh, well you ARE sweet. I
LEXI (cont'd) just had a simple question about
the TV show being involved... (pause) yes, that would be exciting. (then bluntly) How much?Lisa groans.
LEXI I mean, "what" are they discussing
as "compensation?" I just want to let my (over stresses the word) "fiancé" know about this... (pause, then shocked) Squeeze me?
Lisa covers her face in her hands.
LEXI I mean excuse me? (pause) AMERICAN?
(pause) No, Im sure that is very generous. Yes, I will be certain to share with him. (pause) Yeah, 'preesh.
Lisa pokes Lexi.
LEXI No, I mean I really appreciate it!
(pause) Yes, it will be lovely. Thank you.
Lexi absentmindedly hands the phone to Lisa, almost drops it before Lisa has a grasp on it. She sits back as if stunned. Lisa take the phone.
LISA Donald? Yes, (pause) No, thank
YOU. Yes, we will be in touch. Yes, just have them give us a call.
Lisa looks at Lexi, who is lost in thought.
LISA Well? What did he say? Are youpleased?
LEXI Well, he said they would pay us
twenty thousand dollars. And they are bringing in stylists and a whole crew. This is cray-cray.
LISA Its what, sweetie?
Lexi looks at Lisa, still a bit in shock.
LEXI Oh my God... this is going to be SO
MUCH WORK. I am not sure if I can do this. Its impossible.
LISA I think its great! And sure you
can, thats why they are having folks help you! How exciting!
LEXI No, I mean, trying to convince Theo
is going to be impossible.
LISA Do you not feel he will be
LEXI Do I not "feel?" Ugh. He is gonnabe PISSED.
LISA Would you like me to talk with him?
I mean, help ease his apprehension.
LEXI HA! Are you bringing some medicinal
marijuana? He's gonna freak.
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - NEXT AFTERNOON
THEO Oh my God. I am FREAK-ING-OUT. How
did this happen?
Theo has just picked up Lexi from her office and is taking her to her lunch so they can discuss the latest development.
LEXI Just so's I understand, are you
HAPPY freaking out or ANGRY freaking out?
Theo pulls into parking lot of a small coffee house. There is light jazz music on the radio. Lexi has a folder from the Shore Club. She opens it. She turns down the radio.
LEXI I need to turn this down so I cansee.
THEO Its too loud for you to "see?"
LEXI I need to concentrate.
THEO What is that exactly? (indicatingthe folder)
LEXI They sent it over to the office
this morning. Its the information on what the motel is offering to do, and its an offer letter from the TV show.
THEO First of all, I wouldn't refer to
the Shore Club as a "motel." Its a resort. And how did a TV show get involved?
Lexi takes out a few sheets of paper, closes the folder on her lap. Looks at Theo.
LEXI This is effing AWESOME. Twenty-
thousand dollars. Come ON. Thats the whole chiuaua.
THEO The whole what?
LEXI Chiuaua. The little dog. You know,
"the whole chiuaua." Everything I was looking for.
THEO You MAY mean "the whole enchilada"
but that doesn't answer my question.
LEXI What? Like Im some kind of
Hollywood mogul? How do I know how fake weddings work? Still, they want to meet with us tomorrow. Some production dude and group are here and they are pre-planning. I imagine they want us to get the stick rolling.
THEO You need to just STOP trying to use
metaphors. Get the ball rolling, or get on the stick. Or on the ball, but still...
LEXI STOP TRYING TO HAVE A THESAURUS
INTERVENTION! Stay on target. We need to do this!
THEO OK, this answers all of your needs,
but its just getting a bit out of hand. How in the hell do I NOT invite my family now?
LEXI Whats the big deal?
THEO How long have we known each other?
LEXI Like, a hundred years.
THEO Since you attempted Univesity and I
was in Grad School, 12 years.
THEO I never told you the truth about my
family. Well, not the "whole" truth.
Lexi gets wide-eyed. Sits up straight.
LEXI What? Criminals? Insanity
issues? (gets REALLY excited) OH OH OH! CRIMINALLY insane?
THEO Well, my dad is kind of, well, kindof...
LEXI A fugitive from justice? In WitSec?
THEO and STOP watching so much TV.
LEXI WHAT IS IT?
THEO He's a former high ranking member
of the House of Commons, and runs one of the largest investment firms in Western Europe. He's... complicated. And doesnt exactly
THEO (cont'd) come without a lot of... lets justsay "help."
LEXI Help? Like maids and stuff?
THEO Well, kind of like Secret
LEXI Like a rap-star?
THEO Um. No. More like you'd expect from
a member of, I dont know, the President. But a bit more low- key.
LEXI That doesnt make sense. "LIKE" the
President AND low-key. Those are incontinent.
LEXI Ugh. NOW I cant even use adverbscorrectly?
Lexi rolls up a fist and raises it.
THEO Not the point.... listen. If I have
to invite him, it WILL be a three ring circus with a dash of an affair of state thrown in.
A circus AND a fair! Throw in some barefoot bridesmaids and a Bar-B- Que and it WILL be a Wedding.
LEXI Nothing, just some craziness from
the hens at the office.... so... your dad must be kinda loaded then huh?
Well, after a fashion I guess, but it must all be tied up in accounts and such. He lives like a normal guy, more or less.
LEXI More or less like the
President? President of what? The home-owners association?
THEO Lets stick to the point. I cannot
really invite him without a lot of logistics being thrown in.
LEXI YOU said your family could travel
without having to "throw clothes in a trash bag" and now we are talking "logistics." Is that even a word? I dont think thats a real word!
THEO It would just be complicated.
LEXI They are going to pay us TWENTY
THOUSAND DOLLARS! Let it get a little complicated.
THEO I told you I would do this for you,
its just getting more... involved. Just let me think about it. I need to strategize. Um.
Lexi looks at Theo, puzzled.
THEO "Strategize" is a real word.
LEXI Lay off me, mister. C'mon... the
hotel handles visits from celebrities all the time. Its always in the paper. I'm sure they can handle a visit from the Bank Manager, even a high-falutin' one.
THEO Hedge fund.
LEXI Hedge fund? Is he a banker or alandscaper?
THEO (rolls his eyes at her comment)
OK I will ask him. OK? But I was hoping to avoid involving my whole family. I dont feel like dealing with an interrogation. I will have to figure out how to get them to understand whats happening, without making it seem underhanded.
LEXI Hey, we can make it work. We are ateam!
THEO Explain to me what they told you,
let me see that folder with all the information.
Lexi gets up and goes to a big bag she brought with her. Theo gets up and gets a bottle of mineral water, sits back down. Lexi opens up the folder and takes out several sheets of paper.
LEXI I dont speak "contract" so you will
have to let me know what it says.
Lexi hands several of the papers to Theo. He begins to read through them.
THEO OK, first of all, they want to own
the footage, including whatever they film of us and anyone at the event...
THEO Cool your jets, Monster
Bride. (continues) and they want it in perpetuity....
Lexi makes a confused face.
LEXI Whats wrong with that?
THEO I wouldnt sign that, Id give them a
time limit. And if they or the hotel was going to use it more than five years, we should ask for another payment to extend.
LEXI Like a million dollars?
Theo looks at her, cannot tell if she is joking.
THEO No, Madmesoille Greedy, we'd be
lucky to get five thousand or so after that. They probably wouldnt even want it, becomes too dated, but I still dont want them to own
THEO (cont'd) it forever. Not the video, not the
still shots. Lexi looks confused again.
THEO Photos. Seriously, you cannot bethis dense.
LEXI Look, Im not an idiot, but this is
all kinda different. The only contracts I sign are for my car loan and a Macy's credit card.
THEO You handle negotiations for work
all the time. This isnt above your head. You just have to get in the right mind set. See, here, they stipulate that they want the rights in other markets, including international.
LEXI Like Europe?
THEO Europe, Asia, where ever. And they
want to use it in print, digital, voice and any distribution channel, including but not limited to internet based platforms.
LEXI So basically any way that they'd
want to use it.
THEO Exactly. I would expect them to
misuse it, but again, I just want a time limit.
LEXI Understood. But what do you
say? Can we make this work?
Theo sets the papers aside. He looks off as if lost in thought for a moment. Then he gets a bit serious.
THEO OK, you get to pay off your
debts. You BANK the twenty thousand for at least six months, see what happens, if your family gives you extra stuff. We DON'T lie any more than necessary. We are NOT planning on starting a family! Do NOT get anyone thinking you are going to get pregnant.
Lexi mimes being relieved.
LEXI I was worried you would decide you
wanted me to carry your seed.THEO Gross.
Lexi laughs extensively at her own humor. Theo is non- affected.
THEO Back to the issue at hand. Are we
agreed? And no more taking meetings without me. Got it?
LEXI Laying down the law. OK, OK,
OK. Agreed. But we both have to sign the contract, so let them know what changes you want and lets light this cake!THEO Candle.
THEO Light this candle. Not the cake.
Scenes of Lexi and Theo working with Felix, Oscar,and Margo. Looking through wedding planning information, talking with event staff and looking at decorations, Theo being a bit more involved and thoughtful, Lexi shrugging, Theo making style decisions. An assistant from the hotel ushers Theo out while they bring in a few wedding dresses, Lexi is unimpressed with overly romantic, traditional wedding dresses. Margot pulls out an iPad and Googles a "Lesbian Wedding" site and then shows Lexi a photo of two stylish women wearing matching tuxedos, Lexi gets a smile on her face and points to a photo of two women wearing tuxedos and high top tennis shoes, Oscar texts a copy to Theo, who texts back "NO," Lexi is upset, but then Margot shows a photo of two women in elegant matching cream colored simple gowns, no frills. Felix and Oscar send a pic to Theo, he replies "OK" and Lexi tries to high five Margot, another text from Theo "no sneakers" and Lexi frowns.CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXIS APARTMENT- SOME DAYS LATER
Lexi is laying face down on her bed, she is surrounding by papers and photos of the wedding information. Her phone rings, she doesn't recognize the number, answers it, sounding exhausted.LEXI Hello?
Peter Mills, a producer from the "I Thee Wed" television crew is calling.
PETER Hello Lexi, this is Peter Mills,
from "I Thee Wed." I am the Producer and I was hoping I could arrange a meeting soon with you
PETER (cont'd) and , Theo, is it?
Lexi sits upright, gathering a lot of the papers together, searching for a particular one, finds a folder Theo has labeled "CONTRACT" and she pulls it out.
LEXI Was there a problem with the
contract? Are well still on the show?
PETER Oh certainly, I can discuss our
agreement with your changes tomorrow, but no, this is more of a personal meeting I wanted to have with you both before things get crazy.
LEXI Things are gonna get crazier? How
is that possible? Trained seals?
PETER (laughing, but sounds uncertain if he thinks she is serious)
No, no, nothing like that. We would like to stay away from gimmicks. I just wanted you both to have be able to be as comfortable as possible, and have a face from the leadership team to rely on.
LEXI So what are we talking about? Whereare you?
PETER Im in Chicago right now, will be in
town tomorrow. Hows tomorrow evening?
LEXI I have to check with the Mrs...
PETER (a little confused)
Excuse me? This must be a horrible connection, I thought I was speaking with Lexi...
LEXI Naw, its me, just a joke. Kinda. I
will ask Theo. Where should we meet you?
PETER Why dont you choose your favorite
restaurant, and we can arrange to meet there. Let me take you to dinner.
LEXI For reals? (excited) I hope you
have a decent expense account.
Haha, I trust your judgment... and your self control. But just the three of us, and possibly my assistant.LEXI Got ya.
PETER My assistant is Laura, I will have
her give you a call later. Let her know where and what time is best, after 5 pm if thats ok.
LEXI Rock on. (changes to a more
professional tone) I mean, thank you very much.
PETER See you then!
EXTERIOR - RESTAURANT - NEXT EVENING -
Lexi and Theo are getting out of Theo's car, and walk towards a small restaurant. Lexi is talking non-stop
LEXI ...so all I said was "I am going to
DESTROY this bathroom" and she had a fit! I mean, we are all women there, whats the big deal?
THEO Charming story. Really? Cant you
use a different metaphor? Like "I need to go read a magazine" or something even slightly less vulgar?
LEXI Dude, I DESTROYED that bathroom....
THEO And you're single?
They stop outside the entrance. It is moderately busy inside, lively, a bit noisy. Lexi stops Theo from going in.
LEXI Listen, I have no idea what this
guy may be asking us, if he starts asking a lot of questions, just follow my lead. I dont want him to get suspicious.
THEO Suspicious of what? We aren't
planning a bank robbery.
LEXI Still, I dont want him getting antfeet....
LEXI You know, "ant feet" like he may
change his mind. Ants are erratic little buggers.
THEO I think you mean "antsy" or "coldfeet."
LEXI What ever...
THEO If you have to use the ladies room,
you may not want to tell him your are going to "destroy" the plumbing. Just an etiquette hint.
LEXI Good to know.
Lexi turns to enter the restaurant but doesnt hold the door for Theo, and it begins to shut quickly. He rolls his eyes. She is waiting for him at the hostess stand, when he stands beside her she attempts to hold his hand. He instinctively pulls away.
THEO What? Dont hurt me.
LEXI We are ENGAGED, "dear." You CAN
hold my hand in public.
THEO Oh this. So we start now?
Get with the program. (she digs through her pocket to find a folded up piece of paper, reads it, then to the hostess) Hi, we are meeting a Mr Peter Mills here.
Theo gets a shocked look on his face.
THEO WHO? (grabs the paper, reads it)
Where did you say he lived?
HOSTESS Yes, you must be (checking a small
clipboard) Theo and Lucky? Theo is caught off guard, laughs out loud.
LEXI (overly sweetly)
No, sweetie, "Lexi." Theo and "LEXI."
I am SO sorry, I apologize. Blame the penmanship! Please forgive me.
LEXI (under her breath to Theo)
Really? "Lucky?" Do I LOOK like a stripper.
THEO Not even a chance. (a little more
serious) Hey, listen, I think that there is something I might have to add, here...
HOSTESS Right this way. Mr Mills has only
just been seated.
Can it for now. I've gotta get my game-face on. (looks at Theo) And you may wanna try and keep a "straight" face. HA!
The hostess ushers them through the restaurant to a small table where a very attractive man is busy typing on an ipad and talking on the phone. He looks up.
Lexi and Theo? (breaks into a big smile) THEO? (regains some composure) Um... Im not sure if you remember, we actually... we actually first met at a TED conference..
Lexi looks stunned. Narrows her eyes at Theo.
LEXI A "TED" conference? What? Like a
bunch of guys named "Theodore?"
He and Theo lock eyes for a moment. Lexi notices. She interjects.
LEXI YES. Mr Mills. Im Lexi Simons and
this is my boyfriend...haha, Im sorry, my "fiance" Theo.
Theo reaches out to shake hands with Peter, Lexi maneuvers and takes Peters hand. Peter directs his attention back to her.
THEO TED conference. Technology,
Entertainment, and Design. It was a few years ago. San Diego, I think.
PETER San Francisco. Anyway, So nice to
meet you again, both. I mean so nice to see you again, and meet your lovely wife to be. We are really excited about being part of this occasion with you, both.
Peter looks at Theo again, a little too intently, Lexi notices.LEXI (dryly)
Theo gives her a small nudge.
THEO Thanks... its kind of a crazy
idea. But I guess a nice opportunity.
PETER Well, we are excited.
LEXI Yeah, yeah. Exciting. What can we
tell you? So, about this THEO conference...
THEO TED. TED conference. Remember I
showed you the YouTube video about the power of having a great logo?
Peter laughs a bit nervously.
PETER Here, please (handing the menu to
Lexi) order something to eat. This is just a casual way to get to know you a little bit better myself. I hope youre hungry.
LEXI (almost scowling at Theo, then warily looking at Peter)
Oh, I could ANNIHILATE a lobster mac and cheese...
Theo groans almost silently.
LEXI (changing tone)
I mean, they have a lovely lobster mac and cheese here...
Sounds perfect. (to Theo) And what do you enjoy? (only slightly playfully) I mean, to eat? I mean,
(cont'd) what would you like?
Lexi suddenly realizes that Peter must be gay, and gets a little irritated.
LEXI Yes, honey. What WOULD you like?
THEO Oh, I'll have what you're having...
I mean, whatever she wants. Or, I mean, lobster mac and cheese is great.
Lexi eyes them both a little warily. She makes a point of taking Theo's hand.
LEXI Well, it DOES seem a bit crazy, but
we are excited too. Its just so... exciting.
THEO Yes, I am excited.
Lexi squeezes his hand hard.
The waitress arrives, they order and then get more situated. Lexi watches as Peter unfolds his napkin in a quick motion, placing it on his lap in a competent manner. She attempts to do the same, doesnt have a good grip and the napkin flys out of her hand. A passing waiter catches it and hands it back to her.CUT TO
INTERIOR - SAME RESTAURANT - 2O MINUTES LATER
A trio of waiters bring the food and alternate delivering the food from the left and refilling water glasses from the right. Lexi keeps looking from left to right as if confused by the action. The waiters leave, and the trio settles in to eating.
Theo is explaining about his first meeting with Peter.
THEO ...and its leaders in the
industries, or people who are making a name for themselves in areas of technology, "T," entertainment, "E," and design, "D." T... E... D. TED. Peter was there on the production crew, I believe, and I was there with a group of graphic designers and internet guys.
Lexi is listening but regarding Peter with some apprehension. Peter looks at her, smiling.
LEXI So Peter, more to the point, what
can we tell you?
PETER Well, the team just wanted to keep
a focus. No offense, but sometimes brides can get a bit... over stimulated, lets say, and I wanted to check in with you and make certain you are handling... the pressure... well.
LEXI THIS one (nods toward Theo) is the
real nervous nellie....
Theo coughs and squeezes Lexi's hand hard. She puts her other hand over top of his, leans in attempting to nuzzle.
THEO What she means is, Im the
reasonable one. She can be a bit overzealous.
Lexi turns to Theo, a bit agitated.
LEXI What do you mean jealous? Of what!?
Peter seems a bit more interested. He seems a bit amused by the dynamic between the two, and continues to look at Theo
with a mild, bashful but direct way.
THEO Over ZEALOUS, "honey." You can get
LEXI Oh. (a bit calmer) Oh, yeah,
maybe. (she turns back to Peter) SO, we're all good, right? No, second thoughts?
PETER No, no second thoughts from the
production team. (looks at Theo) How about you guys? Are you sure you want to do this?
Theo blushes and looks at Lexi, smiling nervously.
THEO Oh, I think we're ready for
commitment for sure.
PETER No, I mean, the filming of your
wedding. It can be a bit intense. Fishbowl, you know.
THEO Oh, it wont last that long... I
mean the craziness. The wedding... I mean the filming. (nervous) We will make it through.
Peter laughs. Lexi is hiding her irritation.
LEXI What is there left for us to
do? Besides the wedding I mean?
PETER Have you finalized all the
arrangements? Theo, I noticed that your family travel is being handled privately, is there any way I can help? From a production
PETER (cont'd) perspective?
THEO I sent some information about my
fathers... itinerary and travel requirements... I think its just easier for his staff to handle it.
PETER Wow, sounds a bit complicated. Are
you certain I can't handle something for you?
LEXI (a bit directly)
Um... no need. Listen, I just want to make certain we are all on the same page, here. Is there anything else we need to know here? Whats your angle?
Theo looks at Lexi a bit surprised. He tries to compensate for her brusque manner.
THEO I think what Lexi means is, this is
all so complicated, I guess we just dont want any last minute emergencies.
PETER Oh, no worries. No complications.
Peter winks at Theo without Lexi noticing. Theo chokes on his water, Lexi looks at him.
LEXI What? What'd I miss? You ok?
PETER Yes, Theo, are you OK?
THEO (choking out the words)
Fine... fine... all good. What were we talking about? Oh.. (regains his composure)
They finish their meals and the staff remove the last of the plates. Waitress overs coffee and they all order some.
WAITRESS Would anyone care for something
sweet? Theo and Peter exchange glances.
Theo knows that Lexi wants something, he turns to her.
THEO Go ahead, you know you're dying forit.
PETER Yes, please. Whatever youd
like. Theo, what about you?
Theo wont make eye contact. He looks down as he folds and refolds his napkin.
THEO No. No. Im good.
Lexi orders dessert, coffee is served. Lexi begins to add several spoonfuls of sugar. Peter looks at her smiling.
PETER I guess you DO like something
sweet. Caffeine and sugar wont keep you up, will it?
THEO Just try and put her down.
LEXI Im a sweets-aholic. It shows in my
personality. Pure sugar.
PETER Good to know.
The waitress delivers a large slice of grapefruit cake, and Lexi begins with a large forkful.
LEXI (mouth full)
They continue to make small talk as they drink coffee. Lexi scrapes the plate with her fork, getting every last crumb.
PETER So, we are good then. Only a few
weeks til the big day. If you nee ANYTHING, please do not hesitate. Theo, we dont cover bachelor parties though! You may be on your own, my man. Although, you can be sure and invite me.
THEO I doubt there will be a big send
off for me. We need to worry about Lexi and making certain she doesnt spin out of control.
LEXI Hey, I will be the perfect
bride. No worries. YOU just dont worry about me. Its my big day!
The waitress brings a bill. It sits on the table for just a moment, and Lexi looks at it, then to Peter, then back to the bill.LEXI Um...
PETER No worries, its on me. Well, on the
LEXI Whew! HA! Im kidding.
Peter puts a credit card into the check folder, hands it back to the waitress as she passes, she nods.
WAITRESS Thank you sir, I'll bring thisright back.
The waitress leaves, Peter tries to catch Theo's eye again, Theo is avoiding looking directly at him.
THEO Good meal, huh? (to Lexi) You OK,babe?
LEXI Yeah, "BABE." Im groovy. (to Peter)
So, when will we see you again? I mean BOTH of us?
PETER Well, we will be in each others
lives a few more times before the big day. Im flying back to Chicago tomorrow afternoon, after a meeting with, Donald and Phillip, I believe, from the Shore Club.
LEXI Nice guys. That place has GREAT
bathrooms. Peter looks at Lexi a bit confused.
LEXI They're fancy! Pointy toilet
tissue, water fountain toilets, orgasmic washcloths...
Peter and Theo look at her wide eyed.
LEXI You know, folded all fancy, like
Japanese paper animals?
PETER OH! (laughing) Origami.
Why is it everyone feels the need to correct me?
Peter seems genuinely concerned that he has insulted her. Theo notices and wraps an arm around Lexi, playfully.
THEO We just love your colorful play on
the English language, sweetie!
LEXI Yah, sure. Whatev's.
The waitress brings the check holder and credit card back, placing it in front of Peter.
WAITRESS Thank you all so much. Have a
Peter opens it up and writes in a tip, Lexi strains a bit to see what he is leaving.
LEXI WOW! Big tipper!
PETER I was a bartender all through
college. I understand the struggle.
LEXI Oh? At some fancy restaurant?
PETER No, it was a... bar. In San Fran.
Theo seems to get a little nervous again.
THEO You ready, sweetie?
LEXI Oh, I am SO ready! After this meal
Im gonna sleep like baby log! Peter seems confused again.
THEO Like a baby. Or like a log.
LEXI Again, with the corrections? Backoff mister.
They all smile. Peter stands, offers to assist Lexi out of her chair, she looks suprised. Theo stands, they walk toward the front of the restaurant. Peter catches his eye behind Lexi and Theo just shakes his head, nodding toward
Lexi. Peter half smiles. Lexi stops at the hostess stand.
LEXI (to the hostess)
We had a LOVELY dinner, THANK you. (points to Theo and Peter) THEY are the "LUCKY" ones.
The hostess just smiles. Peter looks confused again. Theo shakes his head. They all exit the restaurant.
EXT. SIDEWALK AT RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS The three stand briefly on the sidewalk.
PETER Well, good night you two. Thanks
again, it was a pleasure meeting you... both. (to Lexi, then turns to Theo) Theo, it was great to meet you again. Quite a surprise, I guess it IS a small world afterall! Glad we can be part of this occassion with you...both.
THEO Yes, thank you. I guess we'll meet
again soon. I mean us. (awkwardly) Both of us. She and I.LEXI (dryly)
He got it. (turns to Peter, holding her hand as if expecting him to kiss it. He briefly shankes it.) Nice. Thanks again for the din-din.
PETER My pleasure.
Peter nods to them both, takes a few steps back, then turns and leaves. Looking over his shoulder once as Theo and Lexi turn to leave together.
LEXI Oh, we are SO going to be
discussing this tonight. Im crashing at your place.THEO Fine.
LEXI Stop and get real milk. And half
and half. Im not drinking that almond crap in my coffee again.
THEO Yes, "dear."
They walk together and get into Theo's car. Lexi stands at the passenger side, waiting as if for Theo to open the door for her. She raises her eyebrows and nods toward the car door. Theo raises up the key fob, depressing the unlock button dramatically.
THEO There ya go.
LEXI So much for silvery.
LEXI (opening the door herself)Ass-face.
THEO (opening his door and climbing in)
Ever the charming one.
Lexi puts on her seatbelt, Theo does the same. He backs out and then drives away.CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Theo drives, turns on the radio at a low volume. Lexi keeps looking at him intently, waiting for him to speak. He begins to sing along with the radio. Lexi reaches over and turns it off. She crosses her arms. Theo is ignoring her, continues to sing without the radio. She clears her throat
loudly. Theo glances over at her, smiling. She becomes visibly more irritated.
LEXI OK, lady. OUT WITH IT. Who IS thatguy?
Theo takes a deep breath. Looks at her then back to the road. He is silent for a moment.
THEO Remember I told you about a guy
I... "met" at a weekend conference? In San Francisco? Turned into a week?
Lexi continues to stare.
THEO Pete? Mid-western guy. Had an...
Lexi is thinking now, trying to recall. She gets a wide-eyed suprised look on her face.
LEXI Oh... NO!!!
Theo looks a little embarrassed.
THEO So you remember?
LEXI PETE? Pistol-packing PETE?
THEO (more embarrassed)
The one and only.
LEXI Dear God. You... are... a...
THEO HEY! It wasnt exactly like a random
hook up! I thought we had a real connection!
Lexi looks as if she remembers something.
LEXI WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! He said
"where we FIRST met!" Theo looks over at her, sheepishly.
LEXI PETER! THAT Peter?
Theo is silent but he raises his eyebrows, eyes intent on the road as he drives.
LEXI You spent another week with him,
didnt you? Thats the guy you went to meet in Florida!?
THEO (almost to himself)
Oh, this is SO gonna bite me in the ass.
LEXI Dont take me to my place. Im
crashing at yours. We are TALKING about Pistol Pete!THEO Ugh.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Lexi is coming into a Theo's kitchen, goes to the cabinet to get two glasses. She chooses two water glasses, turns to Theo.
LEXI OK, what kind of booze do you have?
THEO Are you sure thats a good idea?
LEXI Oh, we are going to talk, and I
know that booze loosens that mouth of yours. You're spilling the chili on this one.
Theo laughs but before he can say anything, Lexi interrupts.
LEXI YES, I know its really "spill the
beans" but it made me think of chili.
THEO How about some more Champagne,
Lush? You able to drink that again?
LEXI Yah, hairless dog and all...
THEO "Hair of the dog"
LEXI either way... its a bit prissy, but
whatever floats your boat. Where is it?
Lexi opens another cabinet, pulls out a very fancy bottle. She looks it over.
THEO Thats a VERY nice liqueur. Actually
would be nice to splash in the Champagne. Good choice. But the Champagne wouldnt be in a cabinet, sweetie. Its in the fridge.
Lexi sets the bottle on the counter next to the glasses. (CONTINUED)
THEO Um... can we use stemware for
Champagne? Lexi turns back to Theo. LEXI
Really? It matters?
THEO It would be good practice for you
to learn how to hold a proper glass. I mean for the wedding and all.
Lexi returns the two water glasses, finds two champagne glasses on a rack, sets them on the counter. She clomps over to the refridgerator, dramatically.
LEXI "Stemware"... ha. "Edlerflower
liquere." HONESTLY... is there a gayer drink?
She opens the refridgerator door, spies a small bottle with pink liquid and picks it up and reads it.
LEXI "Rose Petel Lemonade." Oh look, aGAYER drink.
THEO Lets calla truce on knocking each
others culinary choices, OK Bacon doughnut?
LEXI You liked it too! You called it
THEO You remember that but cant remember
"hair of the dog?"
Lexi finds a bottle of champagne, pulls it out. Theo interjects.
THEO No offense, but not the Vueuve. Can
you grab a bottle of Moet? Lexi looks confused.
THEO Not the orange label. The white
label with the star.
LEXI Whats wrong with the pretty orangelabel?
THEO Its a bit much for late night truthor dare.
LEXI Fine. Hooch is hooch after 10 pmanyway.
Lexi unwraps the foil on the bottle. Seems stumped by the wire and cork. She looks to Theo. Offers him the bottle.
LEXI You mind?
Theo takes the bottle and expertly opens the bottle with a muffled but distinctive pop. He hands it back to her.
LEXI Thanks. So what is a "splash?"
THEO Just add a drop or two, a quickdash.
Lexi pours the Champagne and then delicately adds a perfect splash of liquere.
LEXI Look at me! Im a Somalian!
THEO Im thinking you mean Sommolier, and
not Somali, really more like a bartender... but LOOK AT YOU! Well
THEO (cont'd) done sweetie.
Lexi brings the glass to Theo, who sits on a couch in the adjoining living room. Lexi returns for the bottles and brings them into the living room. She joins Theo on the couch.
LEXI OK. Now, start at the
beginning. Pistol Packing Pete. Go.
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - NEXT MORNING
Theo is sitting at his small kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading news posts on his iPad. Lexi stubles in, obviously from just waking up, dissheveled.
THEO Good morning, Starshine.
Lexi grunts. She squints at the sun coming through the window.
LEXI Holy crap. Is it NOON or something?
THEO Its twelve after seven.
Lexi picks up a pair of Theo's sunglasses from a small basket on a phone table, puts them on. Goes to the pantry, opens the door and just stands there. Theo watches her.
THEO You want a breakfast?
LEXI Do you just have cereal?
THEO There's some granola, but itsorganic.
Lexi laughs at herself.
LEXI "Naturally" ha! cuz its
Lexi goes to the cabinet and gets a bowl, then a spoon from a drawer, sets them on the table, returns to the pantry, looking.
LEXI Well where is it? I dont see a box?
THEO Its actually in a bag, its in...
LEXI Wait first, do you even have milk?
THEO There's some almond milk.
LEXI Please tell me that "Almond" is the
name of your cow.
THEO No such luck sweetie. I do have
some half and half, but probably just enough for your coffee. But almond milk is sweet, youd like it.
LEXI I doubt Id like it on organic
granola. Wait, whats this...
Lexi pulls out a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies, she looks at the bag. She smiles. She goes to the refridgerator again, finds a bottle of almond milk, she looks at the label, shrugs, brings it to the table. She opens the bag of cookies while Theo watches. She regards the contents, then closes the bag, and begins to smash the contents, reopens the bag, emptying the crumbs and pieces into the bowl. Theo is wide eyed. She then pours the almond milk into the bowl. She
takes the spoon and tries a bit. She smiles.
LEXI Yum! This almond milk isnt halfbad!
THEO Un-freaking-believable. Hey, Sharon
Stone, can you take off the shades and talk. Are we cool about Peter? It wont become an issue, right?
Lexi takes off the sunglasses in a slightly exaggerated manner. She shakes her head and then places them on top of her head. She takes another bite of the cookie concoction. Chewing slowly but looks a bit pensive. She plays with the spoon in the bowl, moving the mixture around. She sighs.
LEXI No, its cool. I guess it threw
me. I mean, its SO obvi- that he is way into you.
THEO Doubtful, he kinda disappeared
after the Florida trip. That was over a year ago.
LEXI Oh, COME ON babe. You know how you
can get. When you like someone you get kind of .... "aloof." You're hard to read mister.
Theo seems as if he wants to argue but cannot. He takes the spoon out of his coffee and takes a bite of her cookie mix. He raises his eyebrows as if pleasantly surprised. His look turns a little sad.
THEO Yeah. Maybe. Still, a guy likes to
be pursued. He kinda gave up way too easy.
LEXI Well, he is so your type. Seems
like he has it going on. Creative. Smart. Really nice looking without being annoyingly handsome. But you can intimidate the best of them. You're no slouch.
THEO So, what. It isn't like I can date
him. Not now. Isn't our predicament kind of an impediment?
Lexi looks confused.
THEO A roadblock. Snag.
LEXI Like a fly on the wall.
THEO in the ointment, but yeah.
LEXI Baby. I love you. I want you to behappy.
THEO Im confused, you want me to tell
him we are basically full of crap and making this up?
Lexi gets wide eyed.
LEXI Oh HECK no. Not until I cash that
sweet, sweet check! (then more playfully) But dont worry, he was smitten. Just start prepping him for our divorce. DONT let him lose touch. He digs you. But DONT mess this up for me.
THEO Damn. You are confusing the heck
out of me. But I do know something (MORE)
THEO (cont'd) for certain...
LEXI What's that?
Theo pulls her bowl of cookies closer to him, Lexi protests.
THEO THIS is damned good.
They start to each dig into the bowl enthusiastically.
THEO Get some more cookies.
INTERIOR - LISA'S HOME - A DAY OR SO LATER
Lexi walks in the front door. Lisa is dressed simply but elegantly. Lexi is wearing shorts and a t-shirt with casual sneakers. Lisa looks at her and smiles almost sympathetically.
LISA Sweetheart... you're so pretty. Why
dont you like to .... I dont know... show off a bit more?
LEXI I am COMFORTABLE. Besides, if we
are going to fittings and such, wont I be changing back and forth most of the day?
Lisa reaches out and brushes a bit of hair from Lexi's face. She is obviously very tender towards Lexi.
LISA You're right. You're right. But
thanks for indulging me. Im so excited. We havent done much pre- wedding things together yet!
LEXI Well, Im yours all day today and
tomorrow. The big day is a'coming.
LISA Arent you getting excited?
Lexi shrugs but sees that Lisa is hopeful for more, so she musters a smile, then shakes herself gently like a small child.
LEXI Well, yeah... kinda. (gets a bit
more serious) But two things, I need coffee first, and do NOT let me drink anything al-co-hol-ic. Im a lady.
Lisa smiles and laughs slightly.
LISA You're on. And today is on
ME. Lunch is my treat. And dinner with me and your father tonight? Deal?
LEXI (slighly apprehensvie)
Im yours ALL day... go easy!
MONTAGE: SCENES OF LISA AND LEXI AT COFFEE HOUSE, SHOE SHOPPING WITH SWATCHES OF FABRIC FROM WEDDING DRESS. DRESS FITTINGS, AT THE PRINTERS FOR INVITATIONS AND PLACE CARDS AND MENU.
Lexi occasionally looks at Lisa with a mix of curiosity an admiration. Lisa is obviously enjoying herself by helping Lexi, and is very adept at talking with the various personnel. She is enthusiastic and turns to Lexi often for a reasurring nod or approval. They pass by a small jewelry shop, Lisa catches Lexi looking at a small vintage necklace. Lisa coaxes her in to try it on. Lexi actually admires herself in a small mirror, with a whistful
smile. Lisa pulls out a charge card, Lexi protests a bit, Lisa is persistant. Lexi turns back to admire the necklace again as the sales clerk brings a slip Lisa signs, and a nice velvet box and small bag. Lexi smiles, touched, Lisa just squeezes her hand. They go to lunch, Lisa still
animatedly showing photos os small but tasteful bouquets for a bride. Lexi seems less interested until they happen on a small mix of tiny pink roses and violets. Lisa makes a gesture asking if Lexi is certain, and Lexi has a sweet look on her face as if she is giving in to the idea, and Lisa smiles and puts a post-it note on the page, and draws a heart on it with a small marker. They resume eating while Lisa seems to be talking and gesturing, telling stories, revelling in the time she is spending with Lexi.CUT TO
INTERIOR - THEO'S HOME - THAT EVENING
Theo is working at his desk, surrounded by papers. His phone rings. He looks at the caller ID, it is a Chicago number, he makes a face as if he does not recognize the number, and sets it down. On the next ring, he grabs it with a sudden flash of recognition. He pushes the button to answer but hesitates a moment... we hear a voice on the other end.
PETER Hello? Theo? Hello?
THEO Um... yeah. Hello?
PETER Hey, Theo, its Peter. Peter
Mills. Is it OK to call?
THEO Uh... yeah... yeah. Its OK. What
can I help you... I mean... whats going ... uh, hey.
You sure? Did I wake you or something?
THEO No, no, just working. In a zone I
PETER Well, I know that Lexi and Lisa
were finalizing some of her wedding needs today, big day is a week out. I just didnt know if you had anyone helping you with your... I mean... I know your father isn't due into town for a bit, and I wondered if you needed a guy to... well...
THEO (laughing as well)
Did I wake YOU?
PETER Hey, I dont want to be awkward. I
just wanted to know if I can help you in any way. You haven't asked the production offices for anything yet. Do you have a tux, or are you planning a bachelor party or anything? I dont think I could help find a stripper bar or anything, but if you wanted to arrange a nice steak dinner or a nice evening of cocktails with any of your.. uh, any of your friends... I mean, I know it was kind of a shock meeting again like this, but Id like to help. I mean, if I can. Help, that is.
THEO Im not really bachelor party
material, Im thinking. I have a few friends, a mix. I hadnt thought about it. A nice dinner. How would that work?
PETER Well, if you aren't against the
idea, I could host it with you, pick up the tab.
PETER Hey, if thats not cool, no
sweat. We can still arrange a payment on the show. Just set a budget and then you do whatever it is youd like to do. Is there a restaurant or nice lounge? We'd probably just like to film a few establishing shots, not go off the rails or anything. But we have an image we want to still project. No offense, not sure what you are into.
THEO I beg your pardon?
OH! No, I mean, I didnt know if you had friends that got too rowdy or out of control. I trust that you can keep it dignified. You're pretty well grounded. I mean, if I remember correctly.
THEO Bascially boring. Still. Yeah. But
hey, a dinner would be nice. My friends CAN get a bit out of control, but I dont think its a "Jersey Shore" type of craziness. More like, an episode of... I dont know... HGTV Design Challenge?
I got you. Hey... what are you doing tonight?
THEO Just working.
PETER Oh, yeah. Your "zone."THEO Why?
PETER Would you care to go to dinner
tonight? Maybe just catch up a bit? Lisa said she was going to dinner with her Dad and her... well, Lisa. Just if you wanted. Lobster mac and cheese was really good last time.
Theo seems to contemplate something, not quite sure what.
THEO Well, sure. That would be
nice. Yeah. But how about I just meet you at the lounge at the Shore Club?
PETER Yeah. Im staying at the Marriott by
the river. Its nice, but Im not sure about the lounge. Or the restaurant to be honest.THEO
They're nice enough. But what were you in the mood for? (stammers) I mean, what kind of food? Were you hungry?
PETER I can always eat. Its a coastal
town, what about seafood?
THEO There's a great California-Mex
north on Market. "Way Out." Dont ask me to explain the name.
PETER If you recommend it, Im find with
trying it. What time? Say 45 minutes? Am I picking you up?
THEO Nah, not necessary. I can meet you
there. Im sure the concierge can give you directions. Does your rental have GPS? Its just about 9 miles straight up Market.
PETER I can find it. Im a good
navigator. See you there.THEO Great.
Theo hangs up. He seems a bit lost in thought. His computer screen had gone dark, and he sees his reflection.
THEO (out loud to himself)
Oh man, am I SMILING?
EXTERIOR - SIMON'S HOUSE - LATER THAT EVENING
Lexi is leaving her father's and Lisa's house. Lisa is at the door to say good bye.
LISA Thanks again, Lexi! I had such a
great time. Really... thank you.
LEXI (a bit off guard)
Yeah, it was really nice. I really do appreciate your... enthusiasm.
LISA I know its YOUR thing, but I did
feel like I hoped it would feel if my mom had been able to help me when I married your dad.
LEXI Really. I do mean it. It was nice
actually just spending time with you. Im sorry that Im usually not much of a "friend" type person. Its just weird you know, I didnt really know you before you and Dad... I mean, I guess I always felt like I had to be loyal to my Mom in some way.
Lisa is smiling, a bit melancholy.
LISA I think thats perfectly natural. I
know that she was a great lady. It took ALL of your father's friends a while to accept me. (she forces a smile, making herself
cheerier) But! I'm glad I could be of some help!
LEXI Oh, you're great at this! A real
planner! It was fun. Tell Dad thanks again.
They both stand looking at each other for just a moment, til Lisa shrugs and leans in to give Lexi a hug. Lexi reiprocates and has a slight smile on her face. She breaks from the embrace and then playfully punches Lisa in the arm.
LEXI Later 'gator.
Lisa laughs, Lexi turns to leave, and heads toward her car. CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXI'S CAR - A FEW MOMENTS LATER Lexi is driving home, voice commands her phone.
LEXI Call THEO. Mobile.
The phone lights up as it dials. It is on speaker. It rings (CONTINUED)
several times and goes to voice mail.
PHONE "Hi, This is Theo St
Andrews. Please leave..." Lexi disengages the phone. She voice commands again.
LEXI Text THEO.
PHONE "What do you want to say to THEO?"
LEXI What the heck? Its me. Its only
10:30. Call me back. Lexi pauses.
PHONE Shall I send the text?LEXI Yes.
PHONE You got it.
Lexi turns on the radio as she continues the drive home. CUT TO
INTERIOR - LEXI'S APARTMENT - TEN MINUTES LATER
Lexi is entering her front door, she turns on the light. She drops her bag, takes off her shoes. She walks into the small kitchen area, we see a light from the fridge as the door opens. She re-enters with a soda. She flops down on the couch, grabbing the TV remote, turning on the television. As the screen lights the room, she mutes the sound. She picks up her phone again, typing out a text.
"Call me in the morning. Nerd. I cant believe youre in bed already."
She sends the text and we hear a small sound indicating it sent. She takes a drink of the soda and turns the sound up
CONTINUED: on the televison.
INTERIOR - HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
We see Theo's phone light up with the text. We notice there are two men kissing in the back ground. Its Theo and Peter. Theo does not check his phone. The phone goes dark after a moment.
CUT TO INTERIOR - SHORE CLUB - CONVENTIONS SPACE - A FEW DAYS LATER
Theo is standing with Margot, Felix, and Oscar in the convention center. Lexi and Lisa are on another side of the banquet room, talking with Peter and a few of the production team, as well as various professionals with the Shore Club and the production team. Many are running around with seating charts, diagrams of where filming will be set up, layout of the wedding.
Lexi is wearing dark sunglasses and remains mostly quiet as Lisa directs and deals with a lot of the details with the various personnel. Lisa turns and checks in several times to get Lexi's opinion, Lexi nods.
Theo, Margot, Felix, and Oscar are watching the craziness and staying a bit out of the way.
MARGOT You... have... GOT... to be
joking. That is the famous Peter from TED?THEO Yep.
FELIX He is kind of "daddy."
OSCAR YES he is.
FELIX In a good way.
OSCAR VERY good way. He is smart too?
THEO Very smart.
MARGOT Not too smart to sex up the
Groom. I mean if we are going to be honest...
THEO We didnt "sex" we just made out.
FELIX Like rabbits!
THEO It was very... innocent really. I
mean, we already had a history...
OSCAR Does he think you are "Bi?"
Confused? On the down-low?
THEO I dont know. We both kind of blamed
it on the Tequila.
MARGOT Alcohol is the devil.
THEO Certainly a demon.
MARGOT What did Lexi have to say about it.
Theo gets quiet, doesnt answer. Felix and Oscar get a shocked look on their faces.
OSCAR YOU DIDNT TELL HER!!! Oh,
mister! NO more holding that Gay Days thing over my head! You are a daddy-whore!THEO SHHHH!
Theo looks around. He and Peter catch each others eyes, there is a slight hesitation before Peter looks away, but smiles as he does so. Quickly looks back again, then away. Theo looks back to his friends.
MARGOT Oh, you've got it bad.
THEO Funny thing is, if it were not for
all of (gestures) THIS... Lexi would be pushing me into a relationship with him.
FELIX You think so, huh, Papi?
OSCAR Come on...
Oscar takes Felix by the arm.
OSCAR Lets go look around, see whatswhat.
THEO Dont go far... you need to talk
with Peter about music. They cant film with music they have to pay for. It has to be classical for the filmed portions.
FELIX Classical? Like 60's and 70's?
OSCAR No, thats "Classic Rock." He means
all music, no words, but old stuff.
FELIX No words? So probably no dance beat
either? The two walk away, leaving Theo and Margot.
MARGOT You think she would freak out ifshe knew?
THEO Nah. Not really. She is kinda ALL
consumed with how crazy this has gotten, but I think she is treating it like some kind of cosutme party.
MARGOT Does Peter know its basically a
costume party? Would HE freak out?
THEO No. It didnt come up. But even
that, I think he would get a kick out it, the spectacle of it. It isnt like we are on "the Bachelor" and its weeks and weeks of a deception. If anyone watches it, there wont be anybody... invested... in Lexi and me. It'll disappear. Its basically filler for some cable channel.
MARGOT (looks around)
This is a LOT of money and effort for filler.
Lisa and Lexi continue to walk from one side of the banquet room to the other. Lexi catches Theo's eyes and mouths the words. "I need a drink." miming drinking a cocktail. Theo shakes his head and wags his finger "no."
Theos cell phone beeps a few times. He looks at the screen, gets a wide eyed expression on his face.THEO Uh-oh.
MARGOT Another long lost boyfriend
inviting you for coffee later?
THEO Its about to get REALLY nuts.
Margot takes the phone and looks at the message. She looks back to Theo and laughs.
MARGOT HA! Your parents! We finally get to
see YOUR kin-folk! They are going to be fun to watch.
THEO You dont know the half of it. I
havent told them yet. They just think Im being filmed for a work thing.
MARGOT A "work thing?" (laughs again) Can
I watch you explain the whole thing? PLEASE? I dont get much entertainment.
THEO I may need back up.
(TO BE CONTINUED)