Another lost fragment of everything.

Good-bye to you, my friend....

This week I said "Thank you" and "good-bye" to another member of my tribe.  Diogi.  Just a cat.  But how can just a cat hold so much of my very existence?  I had gone through my first real pet loss just a few years ago, and I had been ill prepared for the sharpness of the pain of losing a conscious, breathing, part of my life.  I know that the pain is felt by MANY other people and recognized as deep loss, and yet, the loss is so personal.  It opens one up in a way that few other things can.  I am not comparing it to the loss of a "human" family member, for really, to do so would rile others, but to me it would diminish the credit they each deserve for what they have brought us.  I think the impending loss of a pet is a deceptive dance toward a heart ache that can not be anticipated nor fully comprehended.  Maybe its because, if we are lucky enough, the lives and bonds we share with animals are probably 95% memories of laughter, devotion, affection, mutual dependence, and unbounded joy.  Never do we "argue" with pets, hold grudges, feel betrayed or used, rather it is almost 100% pleasant memories that link us.

To see animals in the wild, whether in actuality, or even on television and in film, is to see something so primal and almost savage, that it is totally void of emotion, and almost alien to us (hopefully.)  Animals give and take life as part of a survival that most of us cannot relay into our own experience.  It isn't so much "life or death" as it is a symbiotic survival and balance of the species that fascinates us and strikes us with an instinctual reverence but that we have (again, hopefully) grown away from.  Our common pets; dogs and cats, come from such a pedigree and yet, somehow, by being socialized by us and sharing our space and our lives, have developed what I would call a true emotional connection.  They retain their wildness to a degree, but their species have been spiritually altered by those that first began weaving their lives with ours.  I cannot be convinced, after living with Pepe, Diogi, and Luna, that ALL animals are void of emotions. Truly, in my estimation, they may not have "individual souls" but have become part of THE SOUL of all conscious existence.  They ARE us, and we ARE them.  They have absorbed our best qualities of simple affection, and personal relationship bonds.  And I believe in an Intelligence in the Universe that saw to it that through our animal friends, we may understand that even in this WILDNESS, even in the midst of SAVAGERY, there can be affection and mutual interconnection.  We should learn to apply that to all aspects of our lives.  Also, I firmly do not believe you can turn an animal "mean."  You cannot mistreat a dog to the point where it becomes "mean."  You can twist their go-to responses to be fear and self defense, but one cannot turn them "mean."  Being "mean" is beyond their capability.  All animals, even domestic ones, lively FULLY in the present moment.  They are true examples of the "NOW."  We superimpose the idea of "meanness" onto them because it gives outlet to our own warped selves that seek to act out and hurt, or punish, others.

I do not understand those who hunt for "sport."  I am not against eating meat (in humane, and moderate ways.) But to seek out the opportunity to extinguish LIFE, just to KILL something for the rush it brings or for some outsized sense of accomplishment, is beyond barbaric and fills me with shame and disgust.  It is most certainly a left over trait from a time before we "knew better."  There is no sport in how we have manufactured hunting into what amounts to a shooting gallery.  

But my animal tribe have taught me more about myself, especially in the last few years, that I have EVER learned by self reflection without them.  I have learned more about God, Source, the "All," and Spirit than I EVER learned in church.  Diogi was almost 21 years old. Very old for a cat.  I knew that such a time was coming, if not this year, then soon.  His rapid decline over the last week was scary because it was the slow walk toward heartbreak I had mentioned earlier.  Animals, even domesticated ones, do not often look a human, even THEIR human, directly in the eyes.  It triggers in them the submission response or challenges them as a threat, and they will look millimeters off to the side.  If submissive, they will even turn their heads.  But when Diogi was showing me that morning that it was his time to transition, he looked me right in the eye.  It was wrenching in that way that cannot be described but those who know, will KNOW how it felt.  I would have howled if I could have.  Later, holding and feeling at the body that had only moments before carried life and such affection for me, was the most direct and profound sense of self aware loss I can feel.  It was familiar, and more real.

Right after the visit to the vet, as I was walking to my car, I said "OK God, I trusted You.  Give me something.  Give me a sense of understanding.  Let it hurt, but I demand that You offer me at least the IDEA of comfort in this moment."  I looked at my phone, and the time was 11:11.  For those who understand that significance, let me say that the hurt did not diminish, it became stronger.  But I was able to let it wash over me and through me.  I know a lot of "men" may have learned their way out of experiencing such loss, and thats too bad.  I do not wish the pain on anyone, yet knowing it is inevitable, I wish them comfort in going through it, knowing that the rest of us, we cannot help, we can only witness.  

BOYCOTT BLACK FRIDAY! (really????)

BOYCOTT BLACK FRIDAY!!!  (actually, shopping on Thanksgiving, but...really???)

OK, so this week is “Thanksgiving Week.”  By now its also become something of a lead-up and introduction to “BLACK FRIDAY.”  (So named not because of the dread some people feel, but that it was the opportunity for many retailers to get “in the black” in their books due to the influx of shoppers.)  In the past few years, “Black Friday” has crept further and further into Thanksgiving Day itself.  Thanks to social media, people can now share not only their plans for the weekend, but their disgust that many retailers are  following this trend of “consumer demand” by opening earlier and earlier, requiring the work force to have to actually work on a day that was long considered (since 1863) as a real Federal Holiday.  Well, times have changed.  

I think if retailers choose to open that they should adequately reward their employees who help make it possible.  I fully understand that there are a lot of folks who do NOT like the idea of having to work on Thanksgiving Day.  I am not sure if they take into account the amount of WORK it is to actually PREPARE for the day (shopping for meal ingredients, cleaning, decorating, preparing, COOKING….) but I get it.  Through my college career and for over a decade after, I worked in some kind of service industry like food service and then resort and theme park operations for a MAJOR vacation destination (when you wish upon a ….. ) so when I say “I GET IT” I really mean it.  I have been one of the ones who worked their ass off making sure YOUR family was able to have a meal or spend time enjoying rides, shows, and attractions.  And thats where I find this whole “BOYCOTT BLACK FRIDAY” so difficult to understand.  If you are in a position of being ABLE to take the day/weekend off to spend with your family and/or friends, then you TRULY have something to be thankful for.  Not everyone has that luxury.  Before you allow your “fight for the rights of the workers” to extend to public shaming of the retailers who have chosen to meet the ever-growing demand of the consumer, consider how far this “boycott” should really extend.  

First of all, the obvious folks who should be expected to work on Thanksgiving Day; the EMT, the Police, Fire Department, and Hospital doctors and staff.  THEY are essential to our feeling of safety, so they really must sacrifice spending the day with THEIR families so that the rest of us can comfortably spend the day with ours.  This extends to Coast Guard, Highway Patrol etc, OBVIOUSLY.  And while we are at it, people in crucial travel and transportation industries, i.e. airline, rail, and cruise lines really help us create the necessary plans to be with our families, so really, they have to work as well.  And that should extend to all those who work to support vacation destinations; theme park, hotel and resort folks, their support staffs.  But hey, they figured that when they took the job, right?

What about those who choose to stay at home rather than travel?  Unless you are cooking your dinner by wood fired stoves, we kind of really need the gas, electricity and power industries to remain operational.  Again, thats a CRUCIAL part of our every day lives, so that is understood.  Lets include gas stations, convenience stores, and related businesses, just in case we need to run out and get some extra ice or maybe a gallon of milk, or a six pack.

And just in case, before we eat the meal being thankful for ALL of our blessings, what if we would like to watch the “Thanksgiving Day Parade?”  Certainly AFTER the meal we might want to watch a football game or two, so anyone who works in the Television and broadcast industry REALLY should be counted on to forgo spending their holidays at home with family.  I mean can you imagine spending the day of thanks with your family and NOT being able to watch TV?   This will necessarily extend  not just to the folks who help CREATE the parade and staff them for MILES of streets and routes, but also to those folks working at stadiums, for sports team support staff, etc.   And sometimes I really like to go out and see a movie, so personally, Id like those who work in a movie theater job finish their meal by late afternoon so that I can continue that tradition, but thats just me.  While we are at it, we may want to phone, post to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, so cable, internet and phone access is pretty damned crucial, so lets add them to the list of industries we consider as those who MUST allocate personnel support for the rest of us to enjoy our holiday.

Then again, most of these folks knew going into it that their working lives would be more important than just ONE day set aside to “give thanks for our blessings.”  

BUT, if Macy’s, Target, BestBuy or K-Mart, or the local malls decide to be open for part or all of the day, BOYCOTT THEM!!!!  Forget the fact that if you do not want to shop that you DO NOT HAVE TO, lets demonstrate our (selective) MORAL OUTRAGE to share our DISGUST that they try and satisfy our OUT OF CONTROL demand for MORE things.  They should just wait until (early) FRIDAY for us to behave like animals and treat each other like crap.   

After all, THAT is the  tradition.

and when you DO shop this holiday season....

We Are NOT Broken

We are not broken.

Think about a diamond.  If a diamond was spherical, even if highly polished, it would be beautiful, but less "magical."  It is the facets, the many different cuts and angles, the tiny, sharp corners, that allow it to refract and reflect the light that shines through it.  Whatever we have been through, no matter the difficulty or challenge, that has helped create a space in our being that will add to the brilliance and magnificence of the light we shine back, the light that shines through us, magnified and made glorious.  We are not broken, we are faceted.

When we are in moments of crisis it can be very hard not to try and label it as "bad" or "awful" or even "devastating."  We choose descriptives like "the WORST thing that could ever happen," or "this day was ABSOLUTELY RUINED" for whatever reason.  We set it up as an impossibility that we may actually GROW and become more enlightened by such experiences.  And that cannot be the case or we would all stop living and trying at a very early age.

No one would say that its easy to embrace a challenge when we are in the middle of it.  Its not.  But be open to what its telling us, where our heart tells us where we should be going and what we should be doing, to allow the circumstance to create that extra facet that would turn us into the precious, priceless gems that would gratefully reflect the light, the love of the Universe,  that shines through us.

on the passing of Robin Williams

If you have never personally been challenged with major depression, or had someone you love battle such demons, the taking of one’s own life may seem beyond your understanding.  Suicide as a plot point is portrayed often enough in pop culture, but the real desperation felt by those who actually attempt such a painful exercise cannot be easily shared in a conversation.

In my own life, there were times, especially as a teenager, when I would pray fervently, over and over, that I could just go to sleep and not wake up.  I really think the only reason I did not attempt taking my own life in my early years, was because I knew the pain such an act would cause my parents.  Yet, I would pray to God to please, please, please, just take me in my sleep.  I didn’t want to kill myself, I just didn’t want to live anymore.

Later in life, although I didn’t say those prayers as much, nor as often, I still had long periods of self destructive behavior. Drugs, drinking, inappropriate social activity, and you name it.  It wasn’t until my life was literally on a precipice that I somehow met my true self for the first time and although I have no desire to debate religious beliefs, I felt that if I was not dead, then there was a purpose that I was supposed to fulfill.  In the past few years, I have learned more about myself, become more authentic, opened up to the drive and talent that I feel are genuine, and with the help of more than one doctor and concerned friend, and my parents, I really am grateful for my life.

I never met Robin Williams personally, but those I know who either worked with him, or spent time with him, all remark on the generous nature of his spirit.  It wasn’t just the manic energy and boundless talent he displayed, they all say he was a really NICE person.  He was singularly gifted in a way that no other performer has been, nor probably ever will be.  How can someone like that, someone who could go almost ANYWHERE in the world and walk into ANY ROOM, and cognitively KNOW that everyone in that room LOVED you, allow such a gut wrenching pain to not allow that love to heal you?  If someone like Robin Williams can be taken in by depression, self doubt, and anxiety, then what hope do the rest of us have?  I can only guess as to what really drove him to his final act, but the reports about his depression have come from his inner circle.  I am a normally sensitive and emotional person, but it surprised even me when I kept choking up at the thought of the torment that drove Robin Williams to end his life.  I feel for his children, his family, and the friends he surely had.  And I feel for us.  I know he was beloved, respected, admired, and adored.  But he also showed us that the sadness and pain that sometimes fuels our greatest artists to touch us so deeply, cannot easily be shared.  Grateful for the laughter, and heartbroken by the tears.  

examples of an effort to avoid frustration by being creative

About a year ago, I was in one of my bouts of anxiety and depression.  Not severe enough to warrant pharmaceuticals, and yet persistent enough to stifle me from doing the things I know I should have been doing.  I became "conscious" enough for a moment to make a decision.  CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESPONSE.  Do something differently.  I had a large stack of magazines and I told myself, look through them, and each time you find the word "love," cut it out.  Admittedly, its a lot easier to find the word "LOVE" when you look through "Oprah" magazine or even "Vanity Fair" than you will looking through "GQ" but its there.  I ended up with quite a collection.  Then I asked myself, "now what?"  So I went back through all of the magazines and cut out pictures of flowers, balloons, candles, hearts, and other words like "happy" and "joy."  Then I found a piece of poster board, grabbed some glue and set to work just putting it all out there.  I worked non stop for a few hours and ended up with something that I was pretty proud of, as far as exercises in avoiding frustration go.  I even had it framed.  I kept the box of cut outs that were left and a few months later, I repeated the exercise.  It became cathartic as well as allowing my mind to be semi-focused on a task that allowed the creativity in me to come to the surface.  And thats the important part.  I needed to get out of my cycle of inner monologue and be able to really hear the whispers of my own creative impulses.  Its helped me quite a bit since then.  And it doesn't hurt to realize that all you need to do is LOOK for "love" to find it.  The last of these projects I did featured none other than Oprah Winfrey herself, along with her mantra "Live your best life."  Its worth repeating.

a story for sharing....

This post is a children's story I wrote inspired by some of the conversations I have had with my nieces.  I am hopeful to have it published.  (ANYONE who has contacts with literary agents, children's book publishers, graphics artists and illustrators, PLEASE feel free to share!)  And as always, I appreciate your feedback!  The artwork included is something I put together for creative inspiration.

The More You Get, the More You Get

(copyright 2012 by Brian Todd Barnette)

Once there was a young prince who had everything.  Whenever he wanted or needed anything, anything at all, there was a team around him who would rush to happily assist him.  All he had to do was ask, and the team of helpers would figure out a way to make it happen.  The Prince was a nice guy, so his team never minded helping him. For the Prince, it was a great way to live.

A very special birthday was coming up for the Prince and he was thinking about what he wanted.   He knew he wanted something REALLY special.  He wanted something that he would think was THE BEST GIFT in the world.  What could that be?

To find out, the Prince sent out a request to his team.  

“Find me the BEST GIFT!  The BEST GIFT in the world!” The Prince had called a meeting and issued a proclamation.

The Prince’s team was excited.  Whoever helped to find the BEST GIFT was sure to win favor with the Prince.  That would probably mean a promotion!  The castle began to buzz with activity and planning.  Experts were sought to find out what was considered THE BEST that the kingdom had to offer.  And they would present the gifts to the Prince at the start of a week of festivities to celebrate the Prince’s birthday.

As the birthday week approached, the Prince became really excited!  How great would this week be?  Surely his team knew him and knew what he would enjoy, and if asked for THE BEST GIFT in the world, they would find it!

The whole kingdom was filled with anticipation.  They loved the Prince and were happy to help him celebrate.  It meant a lot of work, but they took pride in it.  And if the Prince was happy, that made them feel good too.  The day that the celebration was to start, all the loyal subjects had cleaned the castle extra well and had put up extra special decorations.  The whole crowd was ready!

The first to showcase the gifts were artists.  They brought paintings and collages.  They brought mobiles and sculptures.  The whole castle was filled with art of all kinds.  It was all so spectacular!  The Prince thought this was a great start!  He had never been so impressed before by such wonderful art!

The next to give their gifts were florists and landscapers.  They had created such amazing bouquets of flowers, and even landscaped the castle grounds with topiaries and gardens bursting with color!  It was all so spectacular!  Such pride and care had been taken to please the Prince.  And the Prince was very pleased!  So far so good!  

Then came the musicians. All manner of ensembles from trios to orchestras, choral groups and choirs, singers and players of every kind of instrument you could imagine!  To make it even better was that there were dancers performing to all of the great music.  It was all so spectacular!  No matter where he turned, the Prince was surrounded by musicians, singers and dancers all celebrating!  He felt even more excitement than he could have imagined.

Just when the Prince didn’t think the celebration could get any better, the chefs and cooks of the kingdom brought in every type of appetizing treat he could dream of.  Platters of the finest cheeses, breads and fruits with cream and honey, pastries, cakes and pies, cookies and more and more!  It was all so spectacular!  So many treats, many iced and decorated and all of it so delicious!  The Prince felt like he could fly!  So far, this was the best celebration ever!

The Prince’s team was also very happy.  They just knew that one of these gifts would be considered the BEST GIFT and the Prince would lavish them with praise.  It was a job well done.  They decided to ask him what he thought was the BEST GIFT?

So the team went to the Prince’s Royal Assistant.

“Has the Prince decided yet what he thinks is the BEST GIFT ever?”  They could hardly wait to find out.  So the Royal Assistant went to the Prince.

“Your Highness, you have such dedicated subjects.”  The Royal Assistant said to the Prince.  “They all tried to outdo themselves to find the BEST GIFT for you.  They have presented you with so many great gifts!  What do you feel is the BEST GIFT?”  The Royal Assistant was ready to make the declaration and continue the celebration.

The Prince was deep in thought.  The kingdom had indeed pulled out all the stops and brought together so many unbelievably talented artists, and performers and professionals to help him celebrate and find the BEST GIFT in the world.  But he couldn’t decide.  How could he possibly choose just one of these gifts?  What was he to do?  He made a decision.

“I need help.”  He declared to his team.  “For the rest of the week, we will invite all of the Royal subjects of the kingdom to come and look at the art, walk through the gardens, listen to all the musicians and watch the performers and finally taste all of the wonderful treats.  Then they will all vote, and I will truly have found the BEST GIFT in the world.  I will make a formal declaration and reward the winner!”  The Prince was happy to have help in making such a difficult decision.

“So be it!”  The Prince’s Royal Assistant then invited all of the subjects of the kingdom to come to the castle and see the art.  They walked through the gardens and enjoyed the grounds.  The musicians played beautiful music and the singers sang such beautiful songs.  The dancers and performers put on such a wonderful show.  Then the whole kingdom sat together to enjoy the most delicious treats that they had ever eaten.  They had all come together to help celebrate with their beloved Prince and they had never had so much fun.

When the week was coming to a close, the Prince’s Royal Assistant asked each member of the kingdom what they thought had been the BEST GIFT.  But none of the members of the kingdom could decide.  If one chose the flowers, then another chose the music.  If one liked the treats the best, then another liked the art.  There were so many great choices.  The Royal Assistant was getting a little worried.  The Prince would still have to make up his mind all on his own!

Just as the last of the royal subjects was giving their opinion, a small girl from the kingdom asked to speak with the Prince.  She had one more thing to give to him.  The Royal Assistant was happy to have another moment to delay telling the Prince that no clear winner had been declared.  He took the little girl into the main hall and presented her to the Prince.

The little girl walked up to the Prince, and she curtsied her best curtsy.  “Yes, my little lady, what did you have for me?” The Prince smiled at her.

The little girl threw her arms around the Prince in a big hug and simply said “Thank you.”

The Prince was astounded.  “Why are you thanking me?” he asked.

“Simple.  You shared all of your wonderful gifts with us.  This was the best party I have ever been to.”  The little girl had actually never been to a party before, but that didn’t matter.  It had been the best party.  The entire kingdom had come together and enjoyed spending time with their beloved Prince and with each other.  They had all happily tried to find the BEST GIFT for the Prince.  And the Prince had happily decided to share all of the great gifts with his kingdom and he had valued their input.

The Prince was so happy he thought he would cry.  He decided right then and there what the BEST GIFT was.  He learned that sometimes, the BEST GIFT in the world was the one you GIVE.

For the Prince, it was a great way to live.

Notes on GIVING;

No one is saying that it isn’t nice to receive.  Everyone loves to get gifts!  And they should.  It means that people are thinking about you, they like you and they want you to be happy.  That’s a great thing.  When people do give you gifts, receive them with a happy heart, be grateful, and say “THANK YOU.”  It will make the person who gives the gift feel joy as well.  That is important too.  It feels good to give, especially when we give to those that we love.  The happiness goes both ways.  It feels good to see other people happy when they know we care about them.  It is important to be a joyful giver of gifts and a gracious receiver of gifts.   Next time you feel a little down and need to feel good, consider doing something nice for someone.  Give them the gift of your love and attention.  You get the gift of feeling good too!  That’s a great way to live!

an ongoing work....

I have learned so much lately about professionalism, who I can and cannot trust, and what my desire is as a creative individual. Of course there is MUCH left to learn. But I hope that my gratitude outweighs any residual bitterness or feelings of betrayal. Life is just too beautiful. I have begun substitute teaching back in the town in which I grew up and went to school myself, for most of my life. Its an education in itself for ME. So many beautiful kids, so much potential. Each with their own pace, their own struggle, and their own gifts to give. I hope they each find someone in their lives who truly believes in them and offers support and encouragement. Before I venture off on a tangent, the idea behind this post is from the first screenplay that I tried to write. It was a short script I wrote as an exercise for someone I met through a "film maker" conversation. It was produced and actually went to the showcase at the 2012 Cannes International Film Festival. I can still barely believe it. While the director changed a few elements and added a few of his own (naturally) the basic part of the story remained. The idea is that someone has died and stands before three spirits who represent his idea of the Trinity. He feels, according to how he lived and believed, that he is to be judged. That is his expectation. No such judgement is being offered, more a review of his life. Yet, he believes, as he lived, under judgement. It is an idea he cannot release. I reflect on the meaning I was trying to convey today. How do I live? How do I view the world? How do I see my actions within the world? Do I feel the need to justify my actions? Am I being judged?




The resulting short film made from my script continues to tour Film Festivals around the world, recently the Greek and Cyprus festivals. I remain grateful for my words becoming actualized by someone's vision. I am posting the original version that was my script. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know. No judgment. (NOTE: the formatting did not copy well, so please forgive the layout.)








Canonize Me


By
Brian Todd Barnette


Copyright 2011 by BRIAN TODD BARNETTE


open on various vistas of sun-lit clouds.
 narrator VO
 There is an ancient story of the most beautiful prayer. A learned man was traveling into the city and he passed by a poor man. The poor man was muttering with his eyes closed and his head lowered in prayer. The learned man rides on. On another visit to the city, he passes the same poor man again and again hears him muttering in prayer but this time he makes out what the man is saying. The poor man is reciting the alphabet over and over. "You there," the learned man says to the poor man. "What is it you are doing?" The poor man replies, "oh, please forgive me. I am not an educated man and I do not know the prayers that you must know. I recite the alphabet and I ask that the Lord rearrange the letters into the words that He finds pleasing." At this the learned man scoffs and feels in his heart a feeling of disdain for the poor man. Immediately an Angel of the Lord appears and addresses the learned man. "From this day on, YOUR prayers will no longer be heard in Heaven, for it is this prayer, the prayer of the most sincere that we find pleasing and sings in the heart of the Lord your God." The learned man is left humbled. For it was the intention of the poor man to please the Lord that rang the bells of Heaven.

increasing light from out of frame results in total wash out of scene; 

 fade to black
 fade in
 interior - all white room - 

POV of man opening his eyes. 

 There are muffled voices and all we can see is total darkness with silhouetted figures. There are three figures in the room, walking slowly back and forth and they are each backlit by a single color of light, one is red, one is blue and the other yellow. 

 Holly (to the others in the room) 

I think we have him. (to the man) George? 

 fade to black

fade in

interior - dark room - no particular time - 

 Small dark room with no detail except a table and a chair on one side which faces three chairs on the other. George Goodman sits on one side of the table. Beside him is a leather briefcase. He sits facing the three figures back-lit by the primary colors. Back-lit in red is what looks to be a tall woman with long hair but is very obviously male wearing woman's clothing, this is Holly. Next to Holly back-lit in yellow is a young woman, Martha, pretty but plain and holding what appears to be a baby wrapped in a blanket. Martha is rocking and patting the infant though we do not see or hear it. Seated next to Martha is a very shabbily dressed man, mid to late 50's in age, who has the appearance of a "homeless" person, slightly dirty, ragged clothes including a military jacket with the name "Emmanuel" on it. He is back-lit in blue light. This is Jésus. 

 Holly 

 George, there is great love here for you. Are you aware of that?

 George Goodman looks slowly and drowsily from one to the other. 

 George 

 What's this? Am I dead? 

 Holly

 Dead? That's not for us to say. You are no longer among the physical. But you are still in a state of what we call "separation." This is not part of your physical experience but you have yet to make a transition. 

 George appears weary and lets out a sigh. 

The young woman, Martha, holding the infant does not look up and he has yet to meet her eyes. Jésus has a look of total calm and regards George with a soft and easy expression on his face. 

 Holly 

 You still have a simple consciousness. Some things may take a moment to understand. 

 George 

 Am I to be judged? I was a good man, I was practically a Saint in my life. Surely that must be evident.  

Holly has a slight smile. 

 Holly 

 Judged? No. The idea of "Counselor" may be appropriate. We must decide what happens next. The next step. Next in time. That is up to you. 

 George 

 And who are you then? You seem familiar as if I should know your names. What do I call you? What is the last thing I can recall? 

 Holly 

 What do you recall? Where were you before you were here? 

 George 

 I'm not certain. There seemed to be a large crowd and a lot of noise. 

 Behind George a six-paned window appears and on it a scene exterior - civic park setting - daytime - southern town George is giving a speech. The sound is muffled and unintelligible to us. He is at a podium on a lawn with a crowd standing around him, in the near background a municipal building. The crowd is a mix of people who periodically clap during the speech. Flanking George are men in suits and ties. Clean cut, wearing "campaign" style buttons. We understand that this is a rally or political "meet and greet" of some kind. There is the sound of gunfire and then screams. 

 Window scene goes black. 

 interior - same small room - continuous 

 Holly 

 Is that the last thing you recall? 

 George 

 No. There is something else. I can smell disinfectant. I hear engines and traffic. Something smells burned as well. It feels crowded. Someone is yelling.

 The scene in the window changes 

 interior - ambulance - daytime 

 POV of George looking up as several EMT's are working feverishly over him. The siren wails and the EMT's shout directions back and forth. We can see a bloody shirt being cut off and pulled to the side and just below POV we can tell George is wearing an oxygen mask. One of the EMT's is putting an IV in George's arm. 

 The window scene fades out. 

 INTERIOR - SAME SMALL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

 George looks at Jésus. 

 George (to Jésus) 

Do you not talk? 

 Holly and Jésus exchange a look. Martha does not look up but continues to gently rock and pat the infant. 

 George 

 And what about her? (motioning to Martha) Does anyone else talk to me here? 

 Holly 

 Now isn't the time for frustration or for being angry. They have actually tried
many times to talk with you. Let us do what it is we need to so that a decision
can be made. You will be given all the information you need. Call me Holly, I can counsel you. Jésus will guide you as well. Martha cannot look directly upon you and speaks to you through us.

 George (in a quiet voice) 

Why does that make sense? Where have I been told that before? 

 Holly 

 You made the statement that you lived the "life of a saint." What do you mean by that? 

 George 

 If I am no longer in physical form, it must be that I am no longer "living." I
think I was shot. I don't think I survived it. I thought that after we die, we
are judged for our lives. I am certain I was an honorable and just man. I feel as if I am to be jedged then I need to say that I know I was a good man. 

 Jésus 

 Can you explain? 

 George is surprised by the sudden involvement of Jésus and turns to address him
directly. 

 George 

 Well, foremost, I treated everyone I met with compassion and respect. I was awarded for it on many occasions in my life. Humanitarian awards, special recognition for working with non-profits, donations to my church and to the community... 

 Holly 

 Ah, yes. The George Goodman legacy. You raised money for several organizations
and helped champion the scholarship for a school. The "George Goodman" Academic
Achievement Scholarship for your Alma Mater. I believe you insisted on naming it after yourself and also being able to have first right of refusal on any new products created by the participants when developing their senior projects. Did you not end up making more money by having an authorship rider on the patents created over the years? More money than all the endowments you made in sum
total? 

 George

 It takes money to make money. That program created several civic leaders and
leaders of industry for the city. It created jobs and kept people working. 

 Holly

 I am sure you can justify it. But lets talk more about the manner in which you treated others. Do you recall what you would tell friends and co-workers about those who pan handled or begged in the streets? 

 George 

 Well, I supported soup kitchens as well. And homeless shelters. 

 George has a flash of recognition. He looks at Jésus with wide eyes. 

 George 

 You! I remember you! You stood outside of the homeless shelter and wouldn't come in. This was years ago. You refused to go inside to get anything to eat or seek shelter. It was cold that year. 

 Another scene plays in the window of Jésus outside of a big brick building. exterior - dirty city street - daytime - date undetermined Jésus is having an exchange with a man in a suit that we only see from the back. Jésus is obviously bundled up against the cold. He is smiling but shaking his head nervously. He reaches out to take the hand of the man in the suit who recoils and pulls away. 

 The window scene fades out.

 INTERIOR - SAME SMALL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

 George 

 I remember you asked me to just go inside and bring out something for you to eat. I recall that it made me feel a bit angry. There was help for you just inside. All you had to do was walk in! 

 Jésus 

Do you recall what you did? What you thought? What did you tell others about that exchange? 

 George hangs his head a bit sheepishly, as if the memory now fills him with a bit of guilt. 

George 

 Well, what I remember is feeling indignant. As if all that we did was still somehow not enough for you. I didn't understand why you wouldn't just go inside. Some part of me wanted to drag you inside. I feel shame now, but I was mad at you. I told my colleagues that some people were beyond helping. I know that isn't so. It was my pride saying that. 

 Jésus 

 Do you recall what you said to me under your breath? 

 George (voice cracking)

 I said "so starve." 

 Jésus 

 There is an old proverb. "True charity sees the need, not the cause." The man you met that day, the man I seem to you, was a war vet. He was suffering from a post-traumatic stress. He found it almost impossible to go into strange buildings. He had seen several of his fellow troops ambushed once and they were all killed. He himself barely survived. He had been left for dead. Upon his return to 

civilian life, he was never able to accept the help that had been offered him. He only found help at alocal church that had to close after a fire. He lost his only refuge. And the way you now recall dealing with him, was a chance for you to welcome him. And inasmuch as the way you treated him, you treated the Divine. 

 Jésus pauses. George cannot look at him. He looks down at his own hands folded on the table. >>although there is much that Jésus is saying, his tone is always loving and kind. He never raises his voice.  

Jésus (with compassion) 

Do you understand the idea of seeing the Divine in others? That the way you treat others is an opportunity to interact with the Divine. And rather than take the opportunity to bestow kindness and understanding, you treated me from your pride and with indignity. You wanted someone to pat you on
the back for helping build the shelter, yet one personal act of kindness was lost. 

 At this point, Martha begins to hum softly as she rocks and pats the infant.
With a sweet voice she sings what sounds to George like a made up song. 

 Martha (singing to the infant, without looking at anyone else in the room) 

I love you, you're perfect. I love you, that's everything. You are part of me, I am in your
heart, you are in my heart. You are loved. 

 George looks on with a puzzled expression. He turns to Holly. 

 George 

 And why do I know you? Did I have an encounter with you? 

 Holly 

 Do you remember any reason why you and I would have crossed paths? 

 George 

 No offense, but I don't know any lessons I could have learned from...well...anyone like you in my life. I don't have anything against....people like you. To each their own, I say. I know I never did anything to put you down. 

 Holly 

 In your life, do you remember someone who worked in one of the companies from whom you sought campaign suppor when you were running for city councilman? There was someone you met, someone who headed the public arts council? 

 George 

 I think so. You always wore a neck scarf right? Always a neck scarf with a butterfly motif? I do remember now. I remember you catching me staring at you and I told you that the scarf reminded me of a picture I had seen in a magazine. I tried to make you feel...to feel...OK. 

 Holly 

 The person you knew me as was trying to make a difference in the community. I
wanted to create a public art space. To encourage kids and young people to find
their self expression through art. Do you remember that? Do you remember what you told the Mayor about the kind of people who worked with the public? 

 George 

 Vaguely. I think I had told the Mayor that even though I had nothing against you, the public may base their perceptions on his projects on how you....looked...and that may leave a negative image in their minds. But I wasn't the ONLY one who thought that! You must admit, most people would have felt uncomfortable not knowing how to relate to you! Should they think of you as a man? As a woman?

 Holly 

 In the world beyond yours, there are no such things as either men or women. There is neither free man nor slave. We are all one. We are all spirit. We appear to you this way now because we are part of what you accepted. You spent your life as a Catholic, but you didn't even fully experience that path to God 

George 

 How was I not a good Catholic? 

 Holly 

 Its not about being a good Catholic. I am speaking about your experience of God. There are as many paths to God as there are individuals, but you never even fully experienced the one to which you say you were attached. You say you lived the life of a "Saint" and yet you never even looked to a Saint for guidance, for comfort. You didn't pray the prayers, you stopped taking communion, you had not
made the sign of the cross in years. Whenever you were inside the most beautiful church in the state, your mind was a hundred miles away, in a small corner office, thinking of anything else. 

 a new window scene comes into focus. It's a small office. 

 interior - non-descript office - daytime We see "Holly" sitting at a desk, looking at a small hand mirror, adjusting the scarf around her neck. As she looks up she sees a man standing in front of her.
We see him only from the back. The smile fades from Holly's face and is replace with a solemn, almost "hurt" look and she lowers her head. interior - same small room - continuous George looks down at his hands again. He seems to be lost in thought. 

Martha begins to say the "Glory Be" prayer 

 Martha (to no one) 

Glory be to the Father... 

 George looks at Martha as she recites this prayer to the infant, which we have
still yet to see or hear. 

 A new image appears on the window behind George. 

 interior - undetermined location - undetermined time/date 

 A simple image of a pair of hands holding the rosary. The hands are not
discernible as either male or female. 

 Martha (VO) ...Glory be to the Father, 

 The scene in the window fades out 

 INTERIOR - SAME SMALL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

 Martha

 ...world without end....world without end....world without end Martha goes silent again. Jésus (quietly, not looking at anyone) And so it is. 

 George 

 I am beginning to feel like my life is being reduced down to a few instances
where I just didn't do it right. But I feel like that's an unfair assessment.
I really did try my best. (sighs heavily) 

 >>George regards Holly silently. Holly smiles at George again with a look of deep compassion. Her eyes are soft on him. George looks over to Jésus without expression. Jésus offers the same smile as Holly and brings his hands together as if in prayer and bows his head to George. George looks at Martha. She has yet to look up at him or engage him directly in any way. She hums softly but has a
small sweet smile on her face as well. 

 George 

 And what of her? When did I meet her in my life? What circumstance where I gave a sincere effort yet Was there a time I faile to completely honor her? 

 Jésus 

 You need not be defensive. This is for your benefit. For you to understand fully what happens next. There really is great love here for you. 

 George 

 No. I do NOT feel it. I feel condemnation. I feel as if I just do not measure up. How does anyone measure up. What are we cut out for? Who can be perfect? 

 Jésus 

 Who indeed? Whats perfect is the process. In any moment you strive to be even incrementally closer to Truth. That is perfect. That is all we must do. 

 George 

 And her? (indicating Martha) I am searching my memory. But she has not looked
upon me. How do I....how DID I know her? 

 Holly 

 What do you feel happens next? What is after your experience of life? Where are you going? 

George 

 What? I get to choose? Do you mean Heaven or Hell? I would choose Heaven!
What is it? Where is it? 

 Holly 

 Your "life" experience is the only one in which you have a separate sense of self. An identity of self outside of the All. Heaven, as you know it, is just a concept for the physical realm. To be part of the "ALL" is beyond your comprehension, It is a level of wholeness for which you do not have words or any point of reference. All you knew of as YOU will be no longer. Your mistakes, your hurts, as well as any feelings of separation. As waves are not separate from other waves but all part of the ocean. Though the circumstances that created them may be different, they all return to the ocean. Without want or need, you can return to Source. Hell is another concept for the physical realm, and in truth, it is a feeling of total separation from the All. Its a feeling of disconnection so total that you will never feel whole. 

 George 

 But sameness is hated in our lives. To be individual is the goal. It is rewarded. How can perfection turn that idea on its head? 

 Holly 

 But you do not have the capacity to understand how it really is. In your world, pure white light is made of the reflection of all spectrums of light. There are really endless levels within the pure white light. In your world, the absorption of all light actually becomes the deepest black. Perfection is the reflection of pure light. Inclusion, light and perfection. Separation is the absorption. Darkness, separation and lack of any characteristics. Simple but you may understand the opposites of a spectrum. 

 George seems lost in thought again. His brow is furrowed and he seems borderline exhausted. 

Martha begins to sing again. This time it's a song from the 1970's that had been refashioned into a soda commercial. As she finishes the first chorus, George, in a flash of recognition, looks again at her, wide-eyed. 

 George 

 Martha? YOU! I remember you! You helped me produce my first speech while we were in college! You were amazing. So beautiful and so dedicated. I think we even dated! (to the others) Is that her? Is that the same young woman? 

 Jésus 

 You have part of it correct. She fell in love with your drive, your ambition and the electric atmosphere you created wherever you went. She believed in your vision. She felt at her young age that she could actually make something of her life. She had come from a family where the mother was long suffering and the father was silently aggressive. Abusive with indifference. She was on the edge of becoming alive. Do you remember what happened between you two? 

 George face begins to crumble. He becomes overwrought with emotion. He doesn't cry but his words are almost strangled in emotion. 

 George 

 We went out after a debate. We had too much wine and made love. I woke up thinking that she would become a burden. She looked at me with such admiration and expectation. 

 Holly 

 What did you say to her? 

 A new scene appears behind George in the window.

 INTERIOR - SMALL ART STUDIO - DAY - UNDEFINED DATE 

 Martha sitting at a canvas. The canvas is actually blank. A door close behind her. 

 CLOSE UP on Martha's face, and her eyes close and smile fades. 

Window scene fades. 

 Interior - same small room- continuous 

 George 

 I told her that we could not be a couple. She wanted too much. She needed me too much. I needed more excitement than she generated. I told her she needed to learn more about the world. 

 Holly 

 It may be hard to hear it this way, but she didn't keep the baby. 

 George (choking) The baby? 

 Holly 

 She conceived that night. She had a very difficult pregnancy. You don't recall
that she dropped out of school because you were riding a wave of acceptance and
support that would carry you to many successes in your life. How could you know
what happened to one young woman? You knew her only briefly. 

 George (still emotional) 

What happened to the baby? 

 Holly 

 She was almost to term. She miscarried. Her family had turned their back on her and she felt guilty that she was not able to even become a mother. She had thought having a baby would bring into her life all the love she felt she wanted to give. And she lost her only son. In her grief, her life took a turn for the
worse. She escaped into drugs, selling herself and eventually into an unfulfilled life living on the fringe. Most people just didn't believe in her. In her goodness. In how much love she really could offer. The rest of the details aren't important. 

 George 

 Then what can I do? What are my choices? What happens now? You say somehow I will know or I will choose. Heaven or my concept of it is I get to forget all my mistakes? Hell means I get to remember them compounded? I don't want to be separate, I want things to be right. 

 Holly (indicating the briefcase that has been beside George the entire time.)

 In your memory are all the things that can be done differently. All the times you thought you were right but were still coming from a profound sense of YOURSELF only. Not selfish, but not concerned for anyone other than yourself either. You can choose to rejoin Source. Say good bye to all that was and experience paradise in Source, or you can... 

 George (interrupting) 

Can I do it over? Can I do it again? Can I take the chance that I DO know better? I CAN bring others closer to truth. Can I do it again? 

(he gets more emotional and impassioned.) 

 Holly and Jésus share a solemn glance and then look at Martha as she continues to rock the baby. 

Holly 

 You can choose so. You must choose freely. It happens when you decide. To rejoin Source is a final choice as well. All the effort will be over. 

 George 

 Then I choose to do it again! I can make it work. life is full of opportunitie to make it right. To bring us all to the Truth. For all of us to reflect the light. Life would not have been created if it wasn't possible. Too many of us agree that its worth it. 

 Martha (indirectly) 

The choice must be free will. 

 George (grabbing the briefcase) 

Then I choose it. I choose it all over again. 

 Light comes from the window scene and grows brightly until the whole scene has been engulfed in the light. It recedes a bit and we see Holly, Martha and Jésus stand. Martha drops the blanket open and we see it is now empty. Jésus and Holly come to stand on each side of Martha. Jésus has a tear in his eye. 

Holly 

 The choice is always the same. 

 Martha 

 They go back and live separately. (pause) They always choose "Hell." 

 A new scene appears in the window. 

We see a newborn being held in a doctors hands. 

 interior - hospital delivery room - undefined date 

 We see a baby crying, covered in birth matter, being cleaned by a nurse. From off camera we hear the doctor then the mother over the cries of the infant. 

 Doctor 

 You have a healthy baby boy. 

 Mother 

 Thank God. 

 Fade to black. 

 end